Hi to yourself!

OK, I wrote a response, then I looked up my own values I had written last year (and posted them on another website, which is why they have explanations and are written in English despite that not being my native language). Now I’m reflecting your question again against the values I had written before and decided to delete my initial response 🙂

My initial thought was that I would be OK with someone having values different from mine, as long as both would respect the other person’s values and would maintain their own integrity. I’m not so sure now. Looking at my own values, I don’t think I could be with someone who would think in a completely different way. I also am not attracted at all to men who lack values of their own. I would love to inspire a man, but I don’t want to influence him to the point that he would just abandon his own beliefs at the drop of a hat to adopt mine. I have met *many* men who are ready to agree with me or change their own opinions just because they wanted to please me, and it has never pleased me 🙂

I do think that values can change as we become more experienced about the world. We mellow and become more accepting and realize that there is not just one right way to do things and the ultimate truth is quite unobtainable to us mere humans. Being flexible and understanding could also be a value 🙂

Anyway, here are my values:

Respect towards all people and other living beings
Respect doesn’t have to be earned. Respect is something that you have in your heart and mind. Being respectful towards others, regardless of who they are and how they behave is in my opinion important. Everything has value. Mocking other people and calling them stupid is an ugly thing to do. To see someone as having less value and pointing that out is the mark of an immature and insecure person. We all have those moments, but it shouldn’t be a continual state of being.

Being courageous
Everyone has bad days and we all get hurt and become fearful. Lashing out during an initial shock is understandable. Yet, when the moment passes, one should take time to heal the wounds and strive to move forward with courage. Seeing fault in everything, complaining and whining and fearmongering will not only cause damage to that person, but to everyone around them.

Honesty and authenticity
This one is difficult, because we can easily lie to ourselves and still think that we’re being totally honest and authentic. Sometimes things can be so difficult and painful to look at and admit to, that we simply deny the reality and create an alternative one. Still, it’s something we should strive for.

Supporting, encouraging and protecting others
When someone makes an effort to be authentic or show their vulnerability, it may spark fear in others who aren’t prepared to do that. I know I’ve felt that. Yet, those who are courageous enough to open their hearts should be supported and encouraged. We need to protect and nurture life, not destroy it and live as zombies.

Big Blue,

I enjoy your question, and pardon if I answer it a little backwards. 🙂 To me, the question comes down to morality, such as rules we force ourselves to follow, versus wisdom, such as knowing what is and choosing skillfully.

Consider “don’t punch the kid next to you”, for instance, is a value, moral, a rule that seems helpful. When we’re four, its good to have such rigid structures. “Don’t go near the stove, bedtime, chew your food”, and so on. These lessons build into a morality, a way of moving, choosing.

As we develop, we can trade morality for wisdom. “Right and wrong” dissolve into “true and false”. We don’t have to consider punching our neighbor “wrong” or “bad”, we can simply see how it causes four wounds, so why make that choice? (Fist, neighbor, our mind, neighbors mind). Osho said that being moral is about being alert. When alert to the karma, the effects of our choices, we naturally choose more skillfully. We don’t choose to burn our hand needlessly, so “stay away from the stove” drops as a rule. Etc.

How this ties into romance, and intimate connections, isn’t so much “value conflict”, in my opinion, but rather “different vision”. My teacher advised me that it wasn’t sharing desires, values, or hobbies, (though those help), but rather whether or not the couple is seeing the same basic things. Looking out at a similar world. Mountain to climb? Garden to tend? Rome to conquer? What’s the theme of your song? The flavor of the view?

When the same basic vision is being shared, the wisdom grows in the same direction, and so do the explorers. Value conflicts become simple to compromise, because the core of the intimacy remains stable, fertile.

Namaste, friend, and thank you for all the delicate light you share.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Big Blue

Not sure which “light bulb” went off ? Care to explain ? Though glad that the words resonated with you at some level 🙂

J

Thanks Big Blue

Your compliment put a huge smile on my face. Thank you 🙂

J

Big Blue

Now you really humble me. I must have done something really good today to deserve such compliments. Thank you so much. You will be in my prayers later tonight.

Cheers

Jasmine