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HoW do you when it is actually love?

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  • #85578
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Well everybody else puts their so I’m going to put some stuff.

    I’ve got this thing whereby I find it impossible to fall in love and impossible to accept people love me. Even though I do and they do, I always rationalise it.
    They say I love you. I say nope. No you don’t. You were bored and some whirlwind girls come and shaken you up a bit so you just love feeling alive and associate me with that feeling so it’s not me. You could make yourself feel alive.

    I think. .I love him…. nope! No you don’t, you love how he made you feel and love what he represents to you. You could make yourself feel that and represent that to yourself. ..

    I’ve been deeply and truly in love before. .even looked ahead to the years where I’d have to wash his bum and prechew his food for him but I walked away from that because love comes and goes so what could be love now won’t always be so don’t pin any hopes on it…

    What is that? What bizarre safety mechanism is hung on? When is it safe to switch it off?

    #85586
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Man this message world spins my head sometimes.

    I wrote all that this morning and I’m reading
    this book. A nothing book, some story book or other. But it ts riddled with things that feel just for me. It’s rife with lyrics from the smiths songs wgich I know inside out from my youth. It mentioned yesterday the film the birds, hitchcock which happens to be the home made Halloween costume I’m currently making and I just read this passage:

    But love? Who can say what is just a mire of dark needs and desires and what is true love? Can’t it be that if we say I love you to another person and know that we mean it, then that is love , regardless of the motive?

    My book answered my own question.

    #85587
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Caroline,

    It could just be the jadedness that comes with age. It could just be your hormones are off or low so you don’t feel that “in love” feeling.

    It is probably because you have been hurt before on some basic level.

    It could also be because you are misinterpreting what Love, real love, really is.

    OK, how about this. Make a list of 10 or 12 people who would be there for you, go to your funeral, and vice versa. Now, some will be family members and others will be dear or lifelong friends. When you meet someone who is of that level, that is Love.

    It’s not just a feeling. It is devotion. It is also connection on a spiritual level.

    Best,

    Inky

    #85591
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Caroline:

    You wrote in the second post that the book you read answered your question. The answer you quoted, that the motive doesn’t matter as long as you mean it, that answered your question? Can you elaborate, because it answers nothing in my mind, as as I read it.

    anita

    #85595
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    … the book says to me who cares to what motives people say I love you for. If it’s said and meant at the time then it is what it is. It’s love anyway.

    Nah… love schmove. I can’t bear to connect myself to anyone for any long period of time a d I can’t bear for anyone yo connect themselves yo me because it’s all obligation and commitment and a sudden expectation that their needs are supposed to be your desire and the pressure of your needs becoming their desire and Argh… where’s the individuality and freedom? Where are you going, what are you up to? I need to stitch myself to you. I can’t stand it.
    The chap I like I like because I like it when a guy says no to me instead if the endless yeses I seen to attract. But then I doubt it’s him I even like as I assume I like the challenge and it’s actually all about ego and pride not him.

    …. Pleh. … get through til March Anc then we’ll see. (Seeing the msn I purport to ‘love). (In NZ).

    #85596
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    As for jaded with age. Ha ha steady! Nah I’ve had great relationships and I’ve been loved massively and I love absolutely everyone. I’m curiously just exploring what this blockage that stops me from giving my all and having the faith in love .

    #85598
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Caroline:

    Your attitude of Who Cares and WTF and Nothing Matters and… I’ve-been-there-done-that and… in your thread screams loud and clear to me. What can possibly be new in NZ then?

    I love you are the most misunderstood words in the spoken, written language, says I. When honestly said they mean a person is attached, that is finds comfort and safety in another person’s company and/or stimulation, interest and HOPE.

    Hope for something NEW, I imagine, would do it for you, Caroline. Something new.

    What could something new be?

    anita

    #85607
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Curious observation. Thank you for pointing it out.

    There’s nothing for me in NZ other than a fulfilment of a lifelong dream to visit there.

    The man is just a stepping stone. Once I’ve visited there’ll be no more visits ever. There’ll be no more man. I dint need a man just now.

    Don’t get me wrong, I feel love. I feel the stuff people sing songs about. I just don’t trust it is all.

    Something new huh..? I don’t have an answer to that just now. If in doubt I’ll do nothing and the answer will come when it’s time .

    Thank you for chatting. It feels odd to look inside

    #85611
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Caroline:

    Once dropping the delusions I have not much to day dream about- used to, that was my to-go place, day dream about a big love story. A happily ever existence basking in eternal warmth. Once I looked- and am still looking (it is not easy to look) at the … love of my own mother for me, once I see it, again and again, in my own mind… what people call love, often it is an opportunity for the one “loving” to destroy the “loved” one often, in the name of love. I would like to think that the word love is misused and that I can practice it a bit better.

    anita

    #85636
    Michaelann Dahlman
    Participant

    I remember having this really annoying repetitive dream where this man I was discussing poetry with, kept asking me “What is the definition of Love?” I had this dream every night for nearly a week, while I working on a book of poetry and it was really starting to drive me bananas. Then I remembered something I learned from my meditation teacher taught me about lucid dreaming. Your dreams often try to tell you something about yourself. This was a poem that I needed to write. I was working on a series of romantic haikus, this is what I finally came up with:

    definition of Love 1 (haiku)

    the definition
    of love, when your happiness
    is my happiness.

    #85642
    anita
    Participant

    * I like it, michaelannd. I re-state it in my brain: your (mental) well being is my well being, just because happiness means intense joy to me and I can’t grasp it. So when the motivation is: your submission is my well being, or this particular behavior on your part is my well being, this is not love.
    anita

    #85643
    Nekoshema
    Participant

    I know the feeling. It’s a work in progress, but you can stop questioning it. Not always [when I’m depressed I question why my boyfriend loves me] but you need to start slow. If the person says they love you, smile and say ‘thank you’ or ‘I know’. Even if your mind says they don’t, ignore that thought and think ‘thank you’ or ‘they love me’. Over time that voice will come less and less.

    This is a semi-joke my friends says a lot, ‘true love is when the person you’re with drives you so crazy you could kill them but you never will because you’ll miss them too much’. [Makes me laugh, but I’ve got a dark sense of humour]

    I also don’t like the belief you can’t find love until you love yourself. It’s true you should learn to love yourself [and it will help you accept love] but you can love someone without fully loving yourself. [I do] it can be difficult focusing on yourself and another, but the right person will understand when you need time to yourself.

    #85657
    lovelimess
    Participant

    Just assume it is and realize it wasn’t later.
    Fall in love hard, for the first time, every time. LOL

    #85778
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    hmmm. some lovely answers there and thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I suspect I have a real fear of commitment and that’s why I refuse to believe that someone loves me because it means I have to give things I’m too scared to commit to give. I’ll give anything and everything but I guess I like these things to sneak up on me – I prefer to look up and find that like 10 years have gone by and I’m still with that person. I’m happy with that.,

    anyway as you were. x

    #85784
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Pomplemous:

    I am very curious about what those things are, the things you are too scared to commit to give?
    anita

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