How to accept my mother doesn't want a relationship with me?

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This topic has 7 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 3 months ago by Saiisha.

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August 27, 2015 at 12:48 am #82477
Libby
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I used to be close to my mum about 10 years ago when I had my children. Growing up was tough as I was the eldest and I helped mum bring up my siblings, but I guess we were close. We went through some very tough times when my mum divorced my dad. She fell out with me when I moved out to set up home with my fiance. She ruined my wedding rehersal by telling my dad to f off infront of the vicar showing me up. My wedding day was ruined as all my husbands family wouldn’t speak to my mum. When I told her i was pregnant with my son she called me a terrible name, and I was a married woman. We didn’t speak for 4 months. Honestly I could go on, through her depression she destroyed many happy times for me but I forgave her and after I had my children we became pretty close. Then 4 years ago my brother started being very violent and mentally unstable. He attacked many people including my husband infront of my children. My mother demanded I forgave him blaming he was ill. I did as I was told back then as I was bullied into thinking family forgive. A year on her chased after me, I drove to a police station for safety and he was arrested for trying to attack me infront of a police officer. Since that day my mum has apparently been depressed and had anxiety, is on medication and I am resented by my siblings because I won’t forgive our brother to make mum happy again. Mum is apparently depressed because her family is split up and I won’t forgive him.

I became very unwell after all that happened and I had horrific ocd and anxiety, I couldn’t leave my house and was afraid of everyone, it was awful. My sister bullied me constantly with abusive messages telling me to forgive him or she would make sure I never had my family in my life again…… Well Mum since then has been in and out of my life. One day she sees my point of view as to why I don’t want him near me or my family again, the next she resents me. My sister got married recently and I didn’t attend, my sister has never apologised for her abuse so I felt no need or want to attend. My mum since then hasn’t come to see me or my children. We had got to a stage where she would visit every other Thursday and I always picked her up. That hasn’t happened since May and my children feel so hurt and ask me weekly where their Nan is.

So it hasn’t been easy having mum back in my life. I have grown stronger, and tougher and I no longer let anyone in my life that is toxic. Everyone around me dislikes my siblings and tell me they have always been toxic and that I am apparently the happiest they have ever seen me since I walked away from them. I still have some anxiety issues but yes I feel happy and content. The moment my sister tries to get intouch I feel anxious and have panic attacks, says it all really. My mum begged to come back into my life last year so I let her but she blows hot and cold. This time it’s the worst and I don’t know how to feel about it.

It’s the summer holidays here and my children go back to school next week. My mum lives near my siblings and she is in one of my sisters houses daily helping her with her children, she is extremely dependent on our mum and mum loves to feel needed so enjoys being there daily to help her. My mum has even bought a zoo pass to do days out with my sisters. She hasn’t been near my children this summer other than a visit with her husband one weekend and then she brought with her 2 of my sisters children unannounced. I have since text her weekly asking her if she is visiting the children that week to be rejected with some excuse that my sister needs her. Last Thursday I text asking if she wasn’t visiting again because the children were upset asking why they don’t see her anymore. She replied with an excuse she couldn’t get a lift and when she could she would visit. A very poor excuse as myself or my husband have always picked her up. I said to her I would pick her up as I always did and that the children were upset. She ignored me and 2 days later said she was sorry that again she had not visit and that she would try to visit this week. I said ‘you haven’t seen the children properly since May, they are asking me why’. Her reply ; I know and I will soon’. I didn’t respond and a week has passed and still no sign or word from her.

It hurts me inside, not for me as I am used to feeling rejection from her but I feel torn up inside that she is such a big part of her other grandchildrens lives and mine are tossed aside. When she sees them she makes such a fuss of them and I know she loves them but where is the effort. She does this occasionally the last few years, I used to chase her asking why she made no effort, and I’d go to her crying but I guess now with time I have grown stronger, I respect myself and I am a very different person. I walk away from anything negative and protect my family. My mum knows this and hates how strong I am. She will no doubt in a few weeks come to me crying saying she wants us to be close, when she realises her manipulation to get me to forgive my siblings hasn’t worked, yet again. I then have to go through a big heart to heart and tell her how I feel, but no I won’t do that again, I won’t put myself through that. It’s my birthday in 2 weeks time and if she turns up I will be polite, civil like I am if I have to see my siblings but nothing more. I will no longer invite her to visit or make an effort, because I can’t keep putting myself in the line of fire and my feelings going into turmoil. I have even noticed my anxiety spiking again this week since she hurt me. I won’t risk my family making me unwell again as it took me so long to get to a good place.

Last week my sister messaged saying they were all going on a day out and mum wanted me to go, I said I was busy as there was no way after 3 years and after all the violence I would play happy families on a day trip with my siblings. No way. I have to look after number one after how unwell they made me. I politely declined and said I had plans and wished them a nice day. I know my mum will be angry I didn’t go. I am sick of being made to feel like I have done wrong but they all love and bend over backwards to support my brother. He was diagnosed with a personality disorder and something else which I am not sure of so I am resented because I won’t forgive him and see that he is unwell.

Sorry I have rambled on here. I just don’t know how to feel. I won’t be messaging her again, I have done all I can here. I just don’t know how to make my children not hurt and miss their Nan.

Thanks if you got this far.

Libby
- This topic was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Libby.
August 27, 2015 at 4:21 am #82480

Inky
Participant

OH LIBBY!! ((hugs))

I can relate!!

This is what I’ve done with my own Dad and my kids. I reframed the situation. I call myself The Holiday Aunt. I keep my family super busy so they don’t have time to miss the greater family, and then we see everyone on holiday’s. Mother’s Day (for step mom), Father’s Day, Easter, Fourth of July (here in the States), My Dad’s Birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas. THAT’S IT! Everyone can be civil for one day (even me).

When they’re older (teens) and ask, tell them the truth without putting anyone down. Say, “Your uncle flew into a rage and the police saw it. We stay away for safety reasons. Your grandmother and aunts take care of uncle. They are all staying away by choice.” If they ask “But why do they/don’t they?” Shrug and say, “It’s their choice.” If they say “But why don’t you” repeat “Safety reasons”.

Of course they’re mad at you. You’ve CHANGED THE SCRIPT! I didn’t have the abusive brother, but I put my foot down when my dad became abusive. Suddenly I was disrespectful and unforgiving. I wouldn’t let my kids or I be alone on long vacations with them. And told them why. Said, “If we were back in the States and you pulled something like that I would call the police.” And, “Get help.” And, “My family comes first. It’s all about the kids. They’re the ones that really matter.” Basically saying *I* mattered, and *YOU* don’t now. Hierarchy = Kids, Me, You Last now.

While they’re living in this horrible parallel universe and supporting/enabling a sick brother, you’re offering a mirror showing them how life could/should be.

Keep being strong. Be a “Holiday Aunt”.

Blessings!!!!

Inky

August 27, 2015 at 8:44 am #82487

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Libby

You know who your mother is, experienced her rejection, her lack of love for you, her “hot and cold’ behavior and yet you insist on putting your children in her presence. They are already experiencing what you did: her rejection, un-reliability and yet, you pursue her to be in their lives. Why? Why do you insist passing on the misery to your own children?

The love you think you see your mother giving the other grandchildren is not love. It may look like love, going to the zoo, etc. but it is not love. The woman doesn’t have it in her. Why do you pursue a mirage?

Mercy on your own children, let go of your mother, insist that she does NOT spend time with your children. Explain to your children the truth (not the whole truth, but enough of it) and see to it that your mother is not in your life or theirs.

anita

August 27, 2015 at 9:28 am #82495

Jodi
Participant

Honestly from your description, it sounds like you mother has a personality disorder as well, which would make sense with your brother’s diagnosis. People with PD are toxic and if you want to do what is best for yourself and your children, it’s probably best that you just not have contact with them. I know it can be difficult when it’s your mother and your close family, but you and your children will not be served well by attempting to have relationships with people who aren’t capable of them.
Best of luck!

~Jodi

August 27, 2015 at 6:54 pm #82520

Saiisha
Participant

Hello again Libby,
I had no idea you have this much pain in your life and around your family. So sorry to hear how manipulative each person is (your mom, sister, brother, all of them). You seem like the voice of reason and sanity and I commend you for being able to take the high road.

Inky, Jodi and Anita have some great practical advice, so now you know your next steps.

However, I wanted to give a different perspective on the situation between your mom and you. Very close relationships, especially parent-child, spouses, teacher-student, etc. tend to be “Karmic” relationships. These are soul connections that may have been made prior to taking on life on this planet, based on agreements your souls made to support each other, prod each other, push each other, all in the name of learning lessons through these experiences – which can be positive or negative, but most definitely explosive. If they’re positive, they can feel like “love at first sight”, or a “match made in heaven”, or “meant to be”, but if they’re negative, they can feel unsettling, terrifying, threatening. These experiences tend to be repetitive in their patterns and behaviors. The reason for that is because your soul is prompting to teach a lesson through these experiences. Lessons about love, self-love, forgiveness, understanding, compassion, but also self-esteem, self-respect, self-inquiry. You soul wants you to learn to be joyful, courageous, free. The experiences in your life come up again and again in various forms until you learn those lessons. The lessons usually start with a whisper (as if a nagging feeling, or an ugh in your gut) that something is wrong, and the more you ignore those feelings, the louder those lessons get.

It sounds like you’ve had a long history of putting up with situations that feel wrong in your gut. Try to go deeper and ask yourself not just what’s wrong, but what these experiences are trying to teach. We all get caught up in our expectations of this is how a mom is “supposed to be”… or this is how a relationship is “supposed to be”… but in reality the only thing that’s real about your relationship is what it actually is. You cannot expect your mom to change (unless she wants to). The only person you have any control over is You. You can change how you act and react. You can set an example of how you’d like a mom to be. You can create your own world with the inner and outer changes you make.

So don’t expect something or someone to change for you. You’re the captain of your life. You are in control of your ship. Steer it the way you’d like to live.

I hope this helps!
Namaste, Saiisha

September 2, 2015 at 1:09 am #82714

Libby
Participant

Inky – Thank you for your reply.

Perfect advice that I will take on board.

Anita – You’re right, they have all asked this summer why she won’t visit and why there is no relationship with her anymore, and my eldest has felt angry towards her. I don’t want them to feel how I do at all.

Jodi- I have to agree. My mothers behaviour has been very hot and cold all my life, and she can also be aggressive in her manner and controlling. My sister is exactly the same and I am 100% sure she has a serious PD. My younger sister is more like me and we are more sensitive and laid back.

Saiisha – So true, I knew all my life their behaviour wasn’t normal but I put up with it because ‘we are family’ as they used to say. I could write a book on all they have done to me through my 35 years. I feel so liberated to have walked away from them. Sadly the final straw led me to anxiety and panic attacks that I haven’t fully recovered from but honestly I wouldn’t change what happened to me. I have found myself in the storm. I found yoga, meditation and I am now learning more about spirituality. I would never have done any of those things before as my family would have picked fun and be littled everything I did. I remember when I went to university to do my nurse training 6 years ago and my mum refused to look after my children or even help me. I went and I paid for childcare which really put my mums nose out of joint. 2 years later my sister started uni for her nurse training and my mum to this day still looks after her sons daily so she can work, and she did this for her all through uni. When I asked why she wouldn’t do this for me she said ‘well Jo really wanted to be a nurse, you always change your mind and don’t stick to anything’ I felt hurt. The reason I left uni after 12 months was due to anxiety and panic attacks that again were caused by my family being aggressive towards me. Now I feel happy, I am doing what I want to do in life. I may not be going to uni and yes I can be a bit indecisive but that is mainly due to anxiety and having no confidence in myself.

I do remain civil with my sisters but I don’t want a relationship with them, that angers them and frequently they will get intouch asking why I don’t ‘bother with them’ or try to see the children. I miss my niece and nephews and I feel so sad I am not an auntie to any of my siblings children, it pains me but I had to back off from family after what they did to me. The day after my brother chased after me and was arrested my sisters went on a day trip to the beach with him and posted photos all over Facebook. They didn’t once ask how i was, or come to check I was ok. One of my sisters, the one that is extremely volatile, messaged me threatening she would ruin my life if I didn’t delete all her partners family off my Facebook as she didn’t want them knowing what my brother had done, like she thought I would broadcast it on my Facebook. Noone knows other than those i have chosen to confined in. She also messaged my husband and told him to leave me, lied to him saying I plan affairs,…. you name it she said it trying to destroy my world, like I hadn’t been through enough terror the day before 🙁 This was all because my brother was ill and violent and he had social services at his home due to someone reporting him for child abuse. This was not me but I was accused and abused by my family for a year until I hit breaking point and became so unwell. My own Mother came to my house the evening after I was terrified by my brother shouting at me saying I got him arrested and if he killed himself I would have blood on my hands 🙁 It was then I walked away and I never looked back. I used to suffer from extreme anxiety, stress, chronic headaches and panic attacks. My husband said he came home to a very unwell wife every night and it was all at the hands of my toxic family. Now he says I am calm, happy and a little spiritual yogi as he calls me 😉

It’s funny because now they all beg me to be in their lives and say they were all in the wrong and they know i didn’t do anything at all. It’s too late for me, I have walked away. Being civil to my sisters is all I can offer and it feels like i have to be the same with my mum. I used to cling to mum, I used to think I needed her if I was ill or anxious. In the last 3 years where has she been for me? When I had crippling agoraphobia, panic attacks… she had no time for me yet she supported my brother who was diagnosed with a personality disorder and resented me for not letting him back in my life and for not letting him see my children. She has made my life so difficult at times. All I wanted was to forget them and move on with my mum in my life, I used to cry and ask why she resented me, write her letters…. This year I stopped all that, I make no effort but it still hurts she hasn’t bothered to put the effort in. She doesn’t see my children, she doesn’t even try. I called her last night to tell her about my blood tests as I have been told I have low iron and I am developing hypothorydism. Her reaction was very little, no love or support. When I told her my son (who now suffers anxiety after seeing my brother attack his dad) is very anxious about starting high school tomorrow and I am trying to get the school to support him with an in school counsellor, mums reaction was very little because she knows my brother caused his anxiety. She said nothing and when I said I had to go and said goodbye she didn’t even wish my children well for their new school year or say give my son a big hug. Nothing, so you all made me think, yes does she actually love my children? What hurts me is she very obviously loves my siblings children. She is with them all day, every day. She sleeps over at my sisters the night before her sons birthdays. She has stayed over throughout the school holidays to be with them more. My children get nothing unless i chase her and ask her to visit them.

I sent her a message the other night asking why she doesn’t visit, I just needed to know. She said ‘I have visit them this summer, I don’t’ know wha you’re talking about’ She has been twice and those 2 times she was with my sisters sons. I said ‘but you didn’t come alone all summer like usual, you haven’t been for your weekly visit since May and you haven’t attempted to call the children but you’re with your other grandchildren daily’. Her response was ‘ I have been to see your children and I love them just as much as my other grandchildren’. I left it there, I don’t want to get into a family argument because my sister would have soon messaged me abuse for upsetting mum when that wasn’t my intention.

I told my husband last night what you had all said on here and he said you all talk perfect sense. He knows it hurts as he walked away from his mum who is very violent and toxic. She threatened to rip my throat out infront of my children once, she has never liked me. It seems not many people do and I cried to my husband last night and to my friend and my husband said ‘Julie you are lovely person, kind and beautiful inside and out’ my friend said ‘sadly you and your husband were handed toxic family members’. You just start to turn it on yourself thinking am I a bad person for these people to turn on me 🙁

I have been ill all summer due to my thyroid problem, I haven’t had any support, every day I have got on with it despite my chronic fatigue and ill health that’s suddenly hit me. I have anxiety and get very anxious being alone with my children sometimes, yet my husband started a new job this summer 30 minutes from home which is a huge change from 5 minutes away, but I did it. You know what I am very proud of myself. My mum looks after my sisters children and she needs to be there daily, she hasn’t offered to help me out, not even for one day and I am bloody proud of my achievements. I was once a week person who felt she had to put up with the family abuse because I needed my mum and my children needed their grandmother, but now I realise I actually don’t and in these last 3 years since they turned on me i have grown and I am the person like you say that mirrors how they should be and how they should be treating eachother. I have a wonderful family and I know we are what a true family should be, we treat eachother with love and respect and I know we always will.

Sorry that got long, thank you for letting me talk to you on here it has helped me so much.

Ju/Libby

September 2, 2015 at 4:19 am #82718

Inky
Participant

All I can say is “Nothing Creates Distance Like Distance”.

Would it be possible to MOVE? I know it’s a pain in the azz, and terribly unfair, but even if you live a half hour away in the other direction from where your husband works (and thus a full hour away from them) that would help. A lot.

And I know people who MOVED closer to where their children went to college.

Then you can see these people (if you’d want to) at holidays. One day, one evening, three hours. Done.

September 4, 2015 at 4:54 pm #82869

Saiisha
Participant

Hi Libby! I’m so happy to hear you’re finding peace in your decisions, and are proud of who you are! And more importantly, expressing who you are – that takes an immense amount of courage, and a lot of inner work. THIS is your life’s work – to become more and more of who you are, discovering the authentic YOU.

Do what feels right in your gut, follow your inner instinct, and you’ll never go wrong.

Namaste, Saiisha
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