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How to cope with an affair whilst pregnant

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Brandy 2 months ago.

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  • #230477

    ella
    Participant

    Hi. A few months back I found out my husband had been having a deep emotional affair with a first love – a girl I always suspected he never got over and I asked him repeatedly about this through our short marriage.  He always denied it, but my gut told me otherwise.  We have a 14 month old and I’m pregnant with another.  I found all of the messages and explicit photos on his phone.  To say I’m devastated is simply not adequate – I’m consumed by grief and have been to the abortion clinic three times in distress, but I couldn’t go through with it.  We married two years ago, I moved for him, bought our house, did everything I could.  Now Im left in a place I have no friends and with (soon) two young babies and have to give up my job to look after them.  I’m so angry too that he chased me and adored me until the second we got married and I gave up everything for him, now I’m left broken with no ability to see any hope in the future.  My self-esteem is non existent.  I feel so ugly and useless.  On top of this, I’m dealing with pregnancy.  How do I deal with this? I can’t see any point in going on.

    #230535

    anita
    Participant

    Dear ella:

    What a difficult situation you are in. I wish life was different for you at this point. But it is what it is and you can make choices at this point that will make your life better and not worse. You can stay with your husband or leave him/ live separately, maybe move back to where you lived before. You can perhaps attend marriage counseling with him or seek individual counseling for yourself. Maybe there are other options.

    What are your options?

    anita

    #230541

    ella
    Participant

    thank you so much.  I guess my options are staying in the relationship and always feeling like second best and unloved, insecure and lonely, or going it alone and facing life with two small babies and no job, hence no income.  Either way, I feel I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I can’t see any light.  I have a professional job but cannot work due to childcare costs.  And not to mention that I feel moving on is impossible.  How can I with two small babies, one a newborn?  I’m so lost.

    #230545

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Ella,

    I really feel for you. I know how much work it is to raise young kids, especially newborns, to leave my job while they’re young and how that messed with my self-esteem, to move to a new area and have no friends, and to feel out of sorts while pregnant. What I don’t know is what it feels like while going through all of the above to find out that my husband is emotionally attached to another woman.  What does he have to say about what you found on his phone? Does he still deny having feelings for this other person?

    B

    #230553

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi ella,

    My heart goes out to you.

    Is it possible that this girl is NOT the true love of his life and he just had a post-marriage freak out?

    I would send those explicit photos to her parents anonymously, no matter how old she is. (I know someone who did that and that affair ended PRETTY QUICK!) She will blame him (or rightfully crawl into a hole in shame), he will blame you (if he dares) and you say that there must be a LOT of other guys she’s sending those photos to as you are too busy with two small children to keep his harpy mistress in line. And she will NEVER see him again without crawling into a shame ball. And then nothing will happen. And then she will never see him again.

    Did it ever get physical or is it just some skanky hoe sending him pictures and he just likes the attention? Have you confronted him about it? If it’s just an emotional affair your children deserve to have their father in their life rather than some girl having him in hers.

    Best,

    Inky

    P.S. If there are explicit photos, how “emotional” can it be? Shut that down before it turns physical.

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by  Inky.
    #230559

    anita
    Participant

    Dear ella:

    The options you mentioned:

    1. Staying married and “always feeling like second best and unloved, insecure and lonely”.

    2. Leaving alone, “facing life with two small babies and no job, hence no income”.

    Better be a third option, maybe a fourth. If you leave him, and if he has a job, better get a lawyer and secure child support, so “hence no income” will not be the case. There may be government/ community help available for single or divorced mothers regarding child care.

    Can you share more about what is happening, what is your husband’s position about what has happened and what is happening?

    I hope things will get much better for you, real soon. I will be back to the computer in about sixteen hours and hope to be reading from you when I return.

    anita

    #230603

    ella
    Participant

    Thank you guys so much for taking time to reply to me – it’s so nice that you’d take time out of your day to do that!

    Firstly, as for the photos, I took a screenshot of one and sent it to her and told her she’d better tell her husband or I would.  I saw logs of video calls early hours of the morning, which is when they would call each other and watch each other …well, you know.  This happened three times, all whilst I was sleeping in the next room with our 14 month old and pregnant.  Mostly I’m more broken about the emotional bond they had.  They talked often, texted almost everyday and discussed how unhappy they each were in their marriage. The feeling of betrayal and grief is overwhelming.

    I did actually send her a screenshot of a text from my husband saying he was totally turned off by her because she didn’t keep herself, erm, clean and neat down there and it was gross – I think that has killed off any feelings she has for him at least!  Yes, I know it’s not a nice thing to do, but I don’t regret it.

    I talked to my husband for the first time tonight in almost three months since I found out.  He is desperate to get the marriage back on track and says he has no feelings or had no feelings for this girl but he caught up in attention that he wasn’t getting from me.  We have had a very rocky marriage.  We married two years ago today, I got pregnant on my wedding night, we bought a house that needed a lot of work, I’m a lawyer in a stressful job, he just changed jobs – all of this in the space of a year.  We argued non stop, I took responsibility for the baby whilst working and being the main provider (I bought and paid for our house).  I just feel like I’ve given him and sacrificed so much and got nothing back.  And then he cheats and asks me for another baby when he had this going on with another woman!

    The ball is now in my court as to whether I divorce or not.  If I do, I’m a single momma of two babies (I can get some social security but pretty much nothing from him – I’m a lawyer and know how the system works here and he doesn’t earn enough to support us.  I’d receive barely enough each month to cover the mortgage).  If I don’t and I stayed with him I’d feel stuck with someone that doesn’t love me and makes me feel so insecure, and truthfully, someone I have little respect for anymore.

    Just over two years ago I was working in Cambridge University with a great salary, lots of friends around and happy – its funny how one decision can completely change your life.  All I know is I now have two beautiful children and I have to do my best for them.

    Ella x

     

     

    #230609

    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    Dear Ella,

    Im sorry for what you are going through.  Is it an option for you to sell the home,  and move closer to ppeople you know who care about you.

     

    I know life is so difficult for you right now,  but at some point,  when your oldest child goes to school,  the child care will be a lot less for you – that is,  if you decide to go.

     

    Your husband sounds like a person not suitable for marriage to say the least.  I was with a person a long time ago who said and did the same types of things.  Thankfully. I wasnt able to have children with him.  The thought of him today totally grosses out, and I think at some point,  you are likely to feel similar.

     

    You are not second best. You are likely  not ugly either.  If he was once so attracted to you,  then you were probably beautiful in many ways,  and a good catch.  Your career sounds very impressive.

     

    I I hope you can make contact with family and/or friends who can help support you in practical ways.

    #230637

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ella:

    Reads to me that divorce is the answer. How can a woman make it work with a man capable of having online sex with another woman while his pregnant wife and child are sleeping in another room, and do so repeatedly, over a period of months, correct? It wasn’t a one time, impulsive act of passion, unplanned. This has been ongoing. What a shame.

    I suppose you will have to make the best use of your lawyer brain and proceed with a separation and divorce, keeping the well being of your children in mind every step of the way.

    anita

    #230735

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Ella,

    Of course he’s is desperate to get the marriage back on track. You’re the main provider. You bought and paid for the house. You have your act together. His standard of living is better when he’s with you. Being with you is a great deal for him; it’s a bad deal for you.

    I say hang on to that job of yours. Let’s explore childcare options here. HoneyBlossom is right: the childcare challenge will last a few years and then it’s gone. I also like her suggestion of selling your home and moving closer to your support system, if possible. There are ways to make this work.

    He actually told you that he got caught up in the attention he was getting from this other person, attention he wasn’t getting from you, a full-time attorney with a young child and pregnant with a second? What exactly is he expecting? I know what it’s like to juggle a stressful full-time job with a small child while pregnant with another. It’s called survival. What a bozo.

    I certainly can see how you’ve lost respect for him. I have a lot of respect for you. You hang in there. You’re going to get through this.

    B

    #231079

    ella
    Participant

    Thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words.

    Yes, I agree with a heavy heart that divorce looks like the best option,  although this makes me feel incredibly sad.  The pain is physical not only emotional.  The pain of grief is very real.  I’ve already taken steps to transfer the house into my sole name – which I was advised to do when I bought the house, but I didn’t want to start off my marriage by thinking that this is ‘mine’ but everything I have is ‘ours’.

    Now I have to look forward and not backwards, and get through the pregnancy and see what else life has to throw at me.

    Thanks so much to you all x

    #231105

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ella:

    You are very welcome. Your last post reads very sensible to me. Doesn’t look like the life in front of you will be easy, not at all. But I think your good reasoning, your intellectual  ability and sensibility are your greatest assets and you will do well. I hope you post again any time you’d like, I’d like to read from you again.

    anita

    #231121

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Ella,

    You’re welcome. You’re going to need support from family, friends, church, wherever you can get it. Ask for help. You’ll get through this and there will be so many wonderful times ahead for you. Your kids will give you so much joy. And one day you’ll look back and realize just how strong a person you really are.

    B

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