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How to deal with extreme loneliness?

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  • #44146
    memm
    Participant

    I’m going to be 25 in a month and I’ve never been in a relationship, over the last 6 months I have asked two girls out that both rejected me one of which I had a massive amount of things in common with and yet still nothing happened.

    I have university work to do, exams coming up but I just can’t concentrate on any of it, I can push my feelings aside for a little bit but they always return sometimes worse than before. I just honestly don’t know what to do, I try not to act like it but inside I’m a mess, desperate and lonely.

    What can I do to get over this?

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by memm.
    #44148
    iris valera
    Participant

    Hi there!

    Have you tried keeping things in balance? What I mean is, work hard but play hard as well. There is no use working so hard while leaving out relaxation. Feelings like this are sometimes triggered by stress or lack of activities other than your work or your university life. Try getting together with your close friends, go out with them and just enjoy your free time, hang out or even have good conversations over dinner or coffee. Maybe you just lack enough human connection either through communication or just being with others for fun…Cheer up! 😉

    #44149
    Sarah Y
    Participant

    Hi memm,

    I can relate to what you are feeling at the current moment. You are eager to get into a relationship which in your point of view might cure your lonely soul. Perhaps you may also feel pressured to get into relationship due to peer pressure as I may understand that many guys friends around your age might be involved in a steady relationship whilst you are still struggling to find one. Please do not be in a hurry to find love. You will end up being more desperate or even end up with the wrong girl whom may risk breaking your heart or you breaking hers. Trust me, your soul mate will eventually turn up when the time is right. Nevertheless you should also play your part. Remember, “There will be no gain without pain” right? Sounds familiar? Here are some pointers for you to consider and ask yourself;

    i. What kind of person are you? Social type or quiet type. If you are the quiet type, you may consider volunteering through your university as such that you may be able to meet more new people and girls who may share your common interest. As for the social type, try using your eloquent charm to engage new people you meet in various events. You may stand a chance to catch someone’s eye. Good sense of humor is a sexy thing for a guy!
    ii. How about your overall health or physical outlook. Are you wearing the correct clothes for the occasion? How about changing your outfit or physical looks or event the way you present yourself to others? Are you fit? I’m not prejudice about the external outlook as I truly support the notion of inner beauty but good first impression by attire counts too.
    iii. University might be tough at times with many assignments and deadlines not counting small test and exams thus you may not have time for some social events. How about trying to reschedule your time? You may consider drafting your events into a planner book.

    You are still young and there are lots of opportunities out there for you. So do not feel down or sad if you are still not in a relationship despite having tried many possible things cause there are more things in life for you to explore and experience besides being in a relationship. I’m sure you are a wonderful young man!

    #44151
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi Memm,

    I have to reply to you because what you’re describing is exactly how I felt and the situation I was in a few years ago. First thing, what you’re describing is an inner problem, and you can’t solve an inner problem with something external (be it a woman, money, food, drink, holidays, TV etc), most people in life don’t get past this stage I think. These things provide a brief respite, but once you’ve had them you’re still left feeling empty.

    To fix an inner lack you need to bring an inner solution. There is no exact prescription for this because this solution will be slightly different for everyone. But broadly speaking I’m talking about your spiritual side, finding a deeper purpose and meaning in life and activities to feed that inner hunger. This does require an open mind. I’m a scientist by training so understand how some of this talk might seem a bit ‘airy fairy’, but it is important to allow yourself to be open enough to at least try/read a few things before deciding.

    I can tell you from experience that if you feel like you say now, having a woman will not help. It provides a short term ‘smoke screen’ but soon after the feeling will be right back. This inner lack also leads to a neediness which drives women away. However, once you address this inner stuff, I’ve found the opposite happens, you become just a teensy weensy bit magnetic hehe.

    Okay, so a few ideas of things to try: articles on this website are a great starting point, self-help books (e.g. The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, Meditations on the Buddhist Path), things like meditation, yoga, Ki-Aikido. You’ll need to find what works for you though ultimately. Doing these things will awaken you to what I’m talking about. By working on your inner stuff first, you will eventually end up attracting external success (see list above) anyway.

    One last thing, it takes time, effort, determination, but most of all perseverance. You will have times, more frequently in the beginning, when you can’t be bothered/give up/wonder whether this is all just a waste of time. I had long periods of thinking just this when I was at uni so my life never really got any better until I finally just got back on the search for answers to address my suffering and eventually finding answers. ALWAYS PICK YOURSELF UP AND GET BACK TO IT.

    Good luck!

    #44153
    Dee
    Participant

    Hii Memm,

    I turned 25 just a month back and contrary to your situation, I have always been in relationships. I still am. Thing is I still have felt utterly lonely at times in spite of this fact. I have been a mess and have had really tough times when I felt there is no way out.

    So thing number one: Do not try to get into a relationship just because you are lonely.

    And secondly, I know this one is hard, but pull yourself out and show up even when you do not feel like showing up. Try to do the the things for yourself, focus on your studies. Your efforts will definitely build your confidence and that thing is contagious for sure. The key is you. The answer lies with you.

    Ever wondered if this loneliness might be helpful rather than what you think it is doing to you now? Think about it.

    And do not forget to wear that smile.

    Loads of love!!

    🙂 🙂

    #44171
    Kate R
    Participant

    I believe the only way to escape loneliness is to turn my attention to my connection to everything – all people everywhere, all animals, trees, nature, just, everything. I think feelings of loneliness come from thinking of myself as a separate being, but that is an illusion. when i feel overwhelmed by feelings of loneliness, which i sometimes do, I know i need to make a conscious decision to turn from the lie of separateness to the truth of connectedness. I don’t know if that helps.

    #44210
    memm
    Participant

    Hey thanks for the replies everyone, I will think about what you have all said and try to internalise it. It’s very difficult though since a lot of people around me have nice girlfriends and I feel like I’ve missed out on something most guys my age have already experienced several times over.

    #44213
    Rashmi
    Participant

    Hey you!
    I’m 25 and I can certainly relate to your experience. My first relationship (which lasted almost 4 years) ended and I was a mess. I felt betrayed and rejected. My self confidence hit rock bottom and it took me several years to build myself up. The choices I made were fueled by my fears (fear of being rejected, fear of loneliness and low self worth) caused me to make choices that were less than desirable. The fear I projected on to my world only caused everything I undesired to manifest around me. By manifest I mean, my actions were fueled by my fear and that made me behave in less than desirable ways, which inevitably pushed everyone I loved dear away from me, causing me to feel the same rejection that I feared OVER and OVER AGAIN. I was stumbling in the dark and my own limiting beliefs caused me nothing but misery. At times I thought there was something wrong with me. Until I realized that I do have a choice to believe whatever it is that I want. I can either believe all the good things about me or I can believe or the bad things about me. I also stopped looking for outside things to make me feel whole. Looking for love in all the wrong places can never end well. People are attracted to happy people. Confident people. It is because of the vibes that you give off. If your choices are fueled by fear and desperation anyone can smell it a mile away.
    We all struggle with rejection mainly because it bruises our ego. Not because it actually diminishes our self worth or who we are. Right now you’re struggling with being rejected because you let it validate you as a human being. Don’t let it this one incident define your sense of self worth.

    From what I gather in your post, you’re someone who struggles with confidence and low self esteem right? Unless you stop looking for rejection in every experience, rejection is all you’re ever going to get. Work on yourself, enjoy being alone. Be the kind of person anyone would want to be around. Here is an article I came around, I think it might help. There are more articles on this blog on overcoming negative self talk etc HOW TO GRACEFULLY RECOVER FROM REJECTION
    Hope it helps

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