Home→Forums→Tough Times→How to get your priorities in order while everything is falling apart~
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June 25, 2018 at 9:27 am #214049
BellaParticipantHi Anita,
Falling is what I feel when I have this feeling…I do remember as a child whenever my life was in chaos I would have the same feeling. It feels deeper and longer this time then it ever did before.
I may be having this feeling of dread that he is going to call & tell me he is getting married…I guess because I am so afraid he is gone forever if he marries her. I keep telling myself it is his life & he does not care how I feel…he can do whatever he wants. Then I start beating myself up that he is so blissfully happy & get upset that he did not talk to me about our break-up until he made his decision to leave.
I continue to hope he will call & then I think about changing my phone number in hopes I will not continue to check & see if he calls , or sends a text. I realistically know he will not call, it is me just waiting in hopes of one. All the number change would do is let me know he has no way to get in touch and then I would stop making this cell phone my life line…
Bella~
June 25, 2018 at 10:06 am #214053
AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
It is the feeling of dread you described, of falling, that is preventing us from thinking clearly. It keeps us thinking the same as before and stuck there. For example, you already acknowledged that he is not happy, he even told you himself that he is not happy. Yet you keep thinking that “he is so blissfully happy”.
This feeling of dread prevents us from learning from our experience and operate more effectively because of learning. You are upset that he didn’t talk to you about the break up before he left, yet you shared before how when he got irritated you would tell him that he was being a child and you walked away from him, if I remember correctly. And so, you did your part in discouraging honest communication with him when he was angry. (He did his part).
We all do that, when we experience that dread, that fear, I know this dread very well. I wish I didn’t. But I do. So many of us do and this is why we keep making the same mistakes over and over again, keep doing what doesn’t work for us without learning and changing our behavior.
It takes moment-by-moment courage to withstand that dread, to talk calm ourselves, to have faith that we can make it through the dread, that we are capable.
anita
June 25, 2018 at 11:13 am #214061BellaParticipantHi Anita,
You mention how I treated him like a child when we had a disagreement & that was preventing him from honest communication. The question I have is if indeed at that point he loved me, why wouldn’t he have tried harder to express his feelings to me other than just leave…He is the one that cheated and made me believe it was me that caused the split…
I understand we can’t predict why he did what he did, but I can’t help but feel if he still had feelings he would have expressed them. It took a lot more effort to move out than it would have for him to just tell me what he was feeling…
June 25, 2018 at 12:18 pm #214067AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
I don’t know if he was available for honest communication even if you did not dismiss him when he was angry. As to your question to me, why was it harder for him (if it was the case) to express his feelings than to leave- it is often harder for people. People do leave a lot of the times with no explanation at all (ghosting is a recent term for such leaving). It is easier to leave a relationship.
In his case he left where he lived as well, and that was made possible because he arranged for a place for him to leave to.
And notice, he did tell you something about what he felt after he left, when you told him that he was happy, he told you that he was not happy I don’t think you asked him what he meant by it, or why he was not happy after leaving you, did you? And then you kept repeating here that he is happy. It takes telling and listening to communicate honestly about feelings.
You are struggling and it may feel easier to figure it was all his fault. But there is little comfort in that, beyond maybe a moment relief because it is not the case. In the great majority of relationships it is not exclusively the fault, or the responsibility of only one of the people in the relationship.
Be away from the computer very shortly and be back in about fifteen hours. I sure hope you feel better soon. I would like it very much if you came to some peace of mind about this!
anita
June 25, 2018 at 3:08 pm #214109
Ana IrisParticipantHi! here are my five cents:
Evn though it might seem everything is falling apart, it is not, just see it as it is changing and change is hard sometimes but doesn’t mean is just waste, simply things are finding its way.
First of all focus on you the basic stuff. For instance, remember to eat healthy, drink water, take a bath, get groomed, etc. Even if you feel desperate these things you can do. That gives you a focus on you.
Second, let’s make a wellness plan for YOU. Try meditation, reading great posts here at tiny buddah, read a book, go for a walk. write on a journal Even if you don’t feel like it. FORCE YOURSELF the hardest part is to actually take the first step. Don’t expect perfection just try.
Third, focus on your responsabilities. Work, kids, family, bills to pay. These need you.
You’ll be fine thingss are just getting were they are supposed to be. You’ll be ok
June 26, 2018 at 5:45 am #214215BellaParticipantThank you very much for your advice. I agree with all you are saying…
This situation is difficult for me because it is causing me to have feelings resurface that I haven’t felt in over 20 yrs.
I am taking 1 step at a time & yes, it is a horrible feeling slowly letting goof what I thought was a trusting lovable relationship. I can’t help wondering what I could have done to salvage what I thought we had. I feel if I stop thin thinking about him, all we had will vanish and I know it is already gone, but for some reason I feel if I let go 100% I feel like I am giving up…
The first step is to continue the no contact rule & to keep moving forward.
Bella~
June 26, 2018 at 5:49 am #214217BellaParticipantHi Anita,
I slept a little better last night & continue to think about the downfall of my ex. I was able to think a bit more logically & have started thinking about the bad parts…It helps a bit~
I just pray these feelings of wanting him back will go away.
Please send some positive vibes my way!
Thank you~
June 27, 2018 at 6:12 am #214385AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
I wasn’t aware of your most recent post until a moment ago. This is why I didn’t reply to you earlier. How are you doing today? Do think about the whole experience, the good, the bad and the ugly living with him. This way you will want him back less.
anita
June 27, 2018 at 10:41 am #214459BellaParticipantHi Anita,
It seems mu life is going down hill & he is in bliss…I fell this morning breaking 3 of my teeth & went to the dentist. It really made me angry at him because I know all of this stress with him caused my blood pressure to flip/flop which in turn causes me to black out.
And now that I am seeing a little more clearly about the whole situation with the break-up I feel he had it planned for a while…But, even though I know it is best not to communicate with him, I was hoping he would at least be nice and take some responsibility for the downfall of our split.
Hopefully, I will be able to sleep well tonight. I can’t say part of me doesn’t want him back, but I know I deserve better …
The hardest part for me is him just walking away as if we never existed as a couple…
Bella
July 2, 2018 at 6:48 am #215099BellaParticipantHi Anita,
It has been a rough few weeks & I was ok until Saturday. I decided to go out with some friends on Saturday to the lake and I was so disappointed. People my age were acting like teenagers & it was sad to see people get so drunk & acting so immature. Pulling swimsuits off of one another & guys removing girls tops while they were in the water. But I wanted to try to be around other people & see if I could make some new friends. ( I do not want to have friends like the ones I met) I came home about 8pm and started thinking about my life with my ex & what could have changed it. Once again I started thinking of him & how happy he probably is with his new girlfriend. I know I don’t know what is going on with him, but I went back as far as I could and nothing really makes sense, other than him cheating before we broke up & how much he hid from & lied to me to be with his new girlfriend.
I completely understand he is gone, it still does not make me feel any better. I had a panic attack yesterday & it scared me so bad. I had trouble breathing & started crying, which made it worse.
When things start getting bad all I do is make them worse with regrets of things in my life. I have only seen my ex about 4 times in the last 3 months since we have split & am still heartbroken that he walked out after such a long time together and has no concern for my welfare. Even to call and say Hi how are you. I will not call or text him & each day it seems to get worse, not better. I would think the distance between us & not speaking but once in the last month would help me to move on, but it is not.
What more can I do?
Bella~
July 2, 2018 at 8:06 am #215107AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
I wasn’t aware that you posted June 27 until a few moments ago. I suppose the post of that day didn’t reflect under Topics, so I didn’t know about it until you posted today. It is unfortunate your teeth got broken as you fell. I hope you do all you can do to keep your stress level down so to lower the chances of future falls.
You wrote it is not getting better for you. Once again you stated that he is happy, “in bliss”, but wrote later that you don’t really know what is going on with him. So you don’t have any evidence that he is in bliss. Clearly, you are angry at him, and have been for a while.
I wish you met people you did like and I do hope things do get better for you soon! I will be away from the computer and back in two days, July 4. Take good care of yourself.
anita
July 4, 2018 at 8:36 am #215395BellaParticipantHi Anita,
I am home today and decided to spend the day alone. I realized going out with people trying to have fun is less fun than spending time alone with my cats…They seem to comfort me more that most people. I love watching the birds and at night I have several raccoons & a beautiful red fox that visits once in a while.
Several of my friends I have spoken to in the past few days have given their comments about my past relationship & said they feel I am better off because they feel he did not treat me well. Even my neighbor which is 75 said she thought I would be better off as soon as I could get over the pain. I am trying to continually tell myself I am better off & it last for a while. Then a cloud of thoughts come rushing in my head about how happy he must be and did he really think our last few years were so terrible that is why he left.
I was going through papers and cleaning out some things & found severl cards he had recently given me & places we had gone and things we had done which we had a lot of fun. It was all in the past year. So, I let it start upset me again as to why he would have said he had been misraeble for the past 3 years.
I am beginning to think he was trying to convenience himself he should leave. I also know in my heart he probably found it exciting when he started the affair with the new girl and could not have respected me enough to be that weak. All the lies I have found out about are also painful.
I spoke with a male friend of mine, we worked together 30 yrs. ago & he was telling me he always recalled me being such a strong independent lady & I deserved better than the way my ex had treated me during the relationship. It made me think back & I am a different person now then I was before I met my ex. I should be thankful he moved on because I really don’t care to feel helpless like I did once I got into the relationship with my ex. I want the old me back!
Please tell me why if I know in my Heart I am better off, why do I feel so much pain & so afraid. And so angry that he may be so happy…
One more thought, it keeps going over in my head that any reasonable adult after seeing one another every day for 8 years & having a decent relationship…How could he not call after a month & at least be curious if I was doing well. One other thing that haunts me ~is the last time we spoke he said “I have to tell you something funny, I had a dream last nigh night that I built a house and put a bedroom on each end, one for you & one for my new girlfriend…Then he said I can tell you about the dream but not her because she would get upset” That has bothered me every since, but I made NO reply to him when he said it. Personally I thought it was a bit immature~
Bella~
July 4, 2018 at 8:48 am #215397AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
You wrote, “if I know in my Heart I am better of, why do I feel so much pain”- because you formed an emotional attachment to him and it is painful to separate from the object of your attachment.
“why do I feel… so angry that he may be so happy”- maybe because if he is miserable then he will come back to you, repentant and re-dedicated to you.
anita
July 4, 2018 at 11:47 am #215431BellaParticipantHi Anita,
I don’t feel if he were miserable he may come back~ If he were miserable I would feel satisfied and actually happy & be glad that he is getting what he deserves…
I don’t know why I tell myself he is happy because if I were in his position I would feel like a schmuck. I would think I would be terribly miserable for what I had done once the newness wears off the new relationship, because it always does. I feel foolish for not figuring this out before it happened and would love some gratification knowing he is unhappy.
I know I need to use my energy focusing on bettering myself and moving on rather than wander if he is unhappy. Maybe it is part of the healing process. Joining the gym today and talking to my friends about our life goals and our futures. I will do my best to take things one day at a time/step by step and try not think about his misery, or happiness~ it won’t affect me in any way once this passes & I know it will.
I thank you for your help during these difficult few months, and will continue to post when needed and to give updates. It really helps!!
Bella~
July 5, 2018 at 7:51 am #215533AnonymousGuestDear Bella:
You are very welcome. I figure you have focused on him being happy or miserable, wanting him to be unhappy because you are angry at him. When we are angry at a person we don’t wish them well.. quite a natural feeling.
Looking forward to your updates and will be glad to reply to you again and again.
anita
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