Hello anita,

I am sorry I didn’t reply to you. Thank you for sharing your experiences! I wish you success on continuing your path of self improvement!

Maybe therapy is the way for me too. After all, I don’t seem to be able to fix the problem. Last week I looked up therapists online, but I haven’t called them yet.

You are right that I focus a lot on the negative, while I forget the good things. Especially after something bad or embarrassing happened. Then I often overreact.

Last week something good happened. My old employer called and asked if I wanted to work for them again as their company is doing better again. So I started working there yesterday. So that is an improvement, but next time I will have to write applications instead of waiting.

Now that the new semester started and I see my friends more I also feel better. Plus it’s springtime and I went out for walks quite often.

Thank you and everybody else who responded when I was feeling low. It really helped writing it all out!

Lily

Hello again,

I hope it is okay that I write again in this thread…

For some time I was feeling better. I started reading “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron and in the beginning of may I was really productive. I was very happy with myself, but maybe I should have taken more breaks. At that time I felt like I couldn’t take some time off, because I wanted to get things done and with work and uni during the week, I had to use the weekends and couldn’t take a day off.

But in the last two weeks things didn’t go so well. I had to prepare a talk for one class. In hindsight, I think I spent too much time reading and should have started preparing the talk earlier. Also one fellow student of mine told me that her birthday was tomorrow, but her best friends were out of town, so her plans for the weekend were ruined. As I know how terrible it feels, when nobody calls you on your birthday, I offered to spend the day with her. We went to a museum together and it was nice. (But I might have made a stupid comment… I also worry about that) Anyways, I probably shouldn’t have offered to go to the museum with her, because I didn’t really have the time.

The week of the talk I also had a compact course, but I couldn’t really concentrate and I was really stressed, as I was thinking of the talk. Here is the problem: I was really insufferable there, I think I got on everyone’s nerves. We were working in groups and I was disagreeing with the proposals of others, but I also didn’t have any good ideas myself. Then I had some sort of a breakdown and went home earlier. When I think about it, it reminds me of my father’s behavior. He also goes crazy when stressed. In such a moment I get these intense self-destructive thoughts. I feel like people dislike me, that I can’t do anything right. I am pitying myself. And I start to think things like “I want to burn my sketchbooks”, or that I want to kill myself or hurt myself… And later, I feel even more disgusted with myself, because I reacted so horribly. And I wonder if I’m a toxic person or a narcissist. I need to get my emotions under control, but I don’t know how. I really don’t like myself at the moment. At work I also feel like I’m asking too many questions and get on everybody’s nerves. I am so problematic and I wish I could be different.

For now I decided to spend some more time by myself. I always feel more at ease when I’m alone. I just can’t truly be myself when I’m with others. This weekend I want to work on uni stuff only in the morning, then go to a sports class and then finally clean up my room (which is a total mess).And on sunday I will visit my parents, who are currently on vacation in my area.

I’m sorry for the long rant. I just needed to talk to someone, I think.

Dear anita,

thank you for always replying to me.

I reread your posts and what you said sounds logical. I really thought that I had overcome my past, but it seems like that’s not the case. Until now, I was still hesitant to give therapy another shot. But now it becomes more and more clear that I can’t make the changes on my own. I know that my own way of thinking (beating myself up) is not helpful at all, but I can’t seem to make it stop. And lately I felt like I’m getting even worse.

So far, I haven’t tried hard enough to look for a new therapist. I only called one, which of course didn’t have any free appointments. It’s so hard to find a therapist! They only have certain times when you can call them (usually one hour once or twice a week) and when you reach them, they will likely have no free spots for new patient (unless maybe you have private insurance…). It will likely take months. I don’t know how people with even more severe problems can do it.

But I guess I will have to make a plan, when to call whom like I did last time. I just fear that people who have free spots might be less competent? Well, I just have to try.

Maybe I was expecting too much too fast. It is true what you wrote, that healing takes time. I think I have to take things a little slower and try to go a little more easy on me.

And about what I wrote about my father. Yes you are right, of course a lot of people go a little crazy when stressed. But the way in which I reacted reminded me of my father somehow. But maybe it doesn’t mean anything.

Lily

Dear anita,

sorry for not responding in so long. I have some good news though. Today I talked to a therapist and I felt really good about her. She can’t take me on before September, but I haven’t felt as good about any of the other therapists I talked to before. We will have (at least) a second meeting before deciding if we will work together. She also suggested to me to have a final conversation with my old therapist for closure. It never occurred to me before, but this might be a good idea. I still have to think about this more, maybe I will do it.

Also I tried tracking my thoughts, but it was not so easy. When I’m at work or Uni, sometimes I forget about it. But I noticed that those thoughts come when something happens (I make a mistake, act weird or somebody makes a negative comment about me, or when I stand out in a bad way) and sometimes when I do tasks that don’t require too much concentration (like cleaning up, running errands etc.).

I tried to track my thoughts today.

In the morning I felt really bad. Yesterday there was a misunderstanding at work. I had agreed to work more this month, because there is a lack of staff in the company. One colleague and his wife thought that I would start working more today, but I can’t, as the semester only ends in one week. I’m very sure I said the correct date, I looked it up to make sure. Anyways, the colleague  made some “joking” comments. He already had made similar comments with another colleague on Monday (he initially seemed to think that I would work more starting Tuesday). They said “Oh, the child has to study…” and then something about “first she learns how to store data..” (which is part of my job). The comments yesterday were along those lines. He said something about me writing applications, but I didn’t understand all of it and another Co-worker said it’s good that I didn’t hear it.

It made me feel so worthless. What they were trying to say (as I understood) was that I haven’t accomplished anything. Or am I wrong? I felt belittled. My thoughts were like this: I was quite sure I had said the correct date. But I can also understand that he is very stressed at the moment. At the other hand it’s not my fault that they don’t have enough staff. And I don’t find this sort of comments in any way helpful. It feels passive aggressive? If he has a problem,I would prefer he would address it directly. Later I also thought more about it. Maybe I don’t communicate enough. Usually I focus on my work and don’t like to talk much. Often I just don’t know what to say and I feel safer concentrating on my work. Maybe that came off as arrogant? I got along well with the former staff, but his wife was newly introduced. First she worked in another place and somehow we didn’t really introduce to each other. Now she has to take on the main burden of work. Maybe next time I should ask her how her weekend was or something and also suggest that we address each other informally (by first name)?

Still, the comments really bothered me. I couldn’t sleep. I thought to myself: I’m worthless, I’m spoiled and such things. Others have it worse, they deserve therapy more than me. Also that I don’t like myself, why haven’t I accomplished more? Things like that. I cried. And I thought: why do I feel sorry for myself? I need to go and change something, do something about it. In the morning I still felt bad. And I was angry at myself and even hit myself with a cutting board in the head (I know, it is crazy and weird…).

I know I shouldn’t let other people’s judgemental words get to me. But I often react very emotional. I need to learn how to control my feelings and thoughts…

The rest of the day was better though. After the appointment with the therapist went well, my mood improved. Then I went to Uni from 10 am to 5 pm and I was mainly focused on my courses, with little room for weird thoughts. Only sometimes I worried if I looked at someone in a strange way or that I should have participated more in the discussion. But overall it was good…

But your idea of writing down thoughts is good. Maybe I can become more conscious that way.

Dear anita,

how are you doing? I know that I did want to post less, but at the moment I feel not so good. I am spending Christmas alone, because of the pandemic. During the last months I have been feeling more lonely.

Especially during the last days there were lots of negative, shameful thoughts, obsessive thoughts. Yesterday one of my flatmates moved out, the one that lived here for a long time. Sometimes I worried that I was making her feel uncomfortable. I know that I can be difficult. When I asked her, she said no, that she moved out because it’s closer to her work and that she actually was  unsure about moving, because she felt so comfortable here.

But yesterday, it was weird, I was more hiding in my room while she and her family moved. I also told her that I wanted to social distance, because I had a weird feeling in my chest area and while breathing. The thought of having Corona and then infecting someone is terrifying. But it was also because of my social awkwardness.

There are also some good news: I can go to work again and I also felt pretty good there, like they accepted me. I even got a little better with the phone calls, I feel. But now I have two weeks ahead of me that are empty, because of Christmas holidays. My own thoughts are very debilitating and I got not much done and  was crying. I try to do calming things like listening to audiobooks and I called my sister and my parents. But I can not talk so openly with them.

How are you doing during the pandemic times? Hope you are well!