Dear Michelle:

I am thrilled that you are back! And I am well, thank you. I need and want to read our past communications before I respond further and answer your questions best I can.

It used to be easy to read previous threads- simply clicked on a member’s username and got all past posts by the member, list of all threads started and replied to. This feature doesn’t work anymore, for some reason. Is it possible for you to post here a link to your previous thread of almost a year ago? If not I can go back page by page.

Looking forward to re-reading past communications and continuing here. Glad you had a good time traveling, that magical things happened. Magical things can still happen…

anita

Dear Michelle:

I appreciate the link. First thing I noticed is the 70%/ 100% item. In your first thread you wrote regarding your marriage: “I thought I wanted someone who just needs to understand me 70% and the rest I keep to myself..” On this thread you wrote about your travel: “just following my heart- 100% as you said, not 70%”

This percentage item is leading me to the following understanding: Your childhood experience was lonely, lacking intimacy with your parents/ others.  Your experience was “living in a vacuum when I was a child and possibly til now.”- vacuum= disconnected to others. This lonely experience explains your experience with sadness: “Sadness is a terrible thing for me” (previous thread).

The human tendency is to over-compensate, going to unrealistic/ ineffective extremes. When a person is overly hungry, the person is inclined to overly eat, which is ineffective because it causes discomfort and distress. When a person had a lonely childhood, a person is inclined to expect nothing but a 100% intimacy in a relationship, which is … not possible.

I don’t know the current state of your marriage. A realistic assessment of compatibility and intimacy possible is required, taking into consideration the over-compensation tendency.

You asked here, on this thread:

“Will this craving for deep connections always be part of me now?”- a need to connect is a human need. It doesn’t expire with age. The intensity of the need, the craving- as you become connected in the future- will lessen.

“And will I be able to reconnect with my mother? Re-build a bonding with my mother?”-

I believe that attempting to build a bond with your mother is a futile,  not at all helpful. I will explain:

I read a long time ago that the reason baby/ very young animals have those round faces and look so cute is so to attract the attention- and connection- from the adult parents. The child is very highly motivated to connect and reaches out constantly for connection, needing it for survival. When a child grows up without the mother’s adequate attention and connection, it is not because of lack of effort by the child (or by nature itself), but because of failure on the part of the mother.

All the years of your childhood, when you were as cute as you were, reaching out as desperately as you did, she did not attend to you/ connect with you. It is highly unlikely that now, at the age of 34 (correct?),  she will attend and connect with you (not in the ways you need).

You see, as true to yesterday when you wrote this thread, you are STILL trying to reach out to your mother, you are still trying to connect with her. It failed before, over a long, long time, with your very best efforts. Better give up on connection with her.

(There was no bond, so there is none to “RE-build”- it is the craving for a bond that you are re-experiencing)

You wrote: “I believe that’s (a bond with your mother) the first step to building healthy strong relationships with others.”- it would have been the first step if … it happened, the bond. But it didn’t happen and a childhood can not be re-created with a different mother… and so, the bonding needs to be with someone else.

Let me know of your thoughts and feelings about my input/ your life.

anita

Dear Michelle:

A powerful share, above. I want to re-read it tomorrow morning and give it the attention it deserves. Will reply in 10-12 hours.

anita

* Love having you here, Inky.

Dear Michelle:

You are welcome.

You wrote: “My childhood was lonely…But maybe my memories are distorted.”- memories of order of events in time and place are often not accurate (such is the nature of memory), but your emotional-memory, the feeling of it, is accurate. You felt lonely because you were emotionally alone, unattended to.

You wrote: “whenever I am sad, I was taught (by your mother) that I need to rationalise it, and I can only be comforted by rationalization… The magic… in Nepal. That day I was sick and I had low sugar in my body, I almost fainted. That mother hold me like a child, stroked my hair, put me on her thigh and just rock me like a baby. For the first time I felt that being weak and vulnerable is okay. There’s someone there to comfort me… If it was my mother would probably give me something to eat, and let me lie down on my own.”

When the woman in Nepal held you, stroked your hair, put you on her thigh and rocked you like a baby, she sent you the message that you are okay when you feel weak and vulnerable, that it is acceptable to feel this way and that you are lovable when feeling weak and vulnerable.

When your mother tried to talk you out of your feelings, rationalizing, and not comforting you physically (beyond food…), she taught you that you are not okay when you feel weak and vulnerable, that it is unacceptable to feel this way and that you are not lovable when feeling weak and vulnerable.

This is why you “buried your heart for that long” (from a previous post), because you believed, based on the teaching you received, that your heart is … well, unacceptable, unlovable.

“in Munich, I was very sad, my friend would hold me tight and tell me it’ll be okay… led me to realise that when I’m sad, I didn’t have to talk myself out of misery, not at that moment. I can just feel sad and it is okay, and I will be comforted.”- It is acceptable to feel weak, vulnerable and sad. You are lovable when you feel these.

“to be connected, I need to be vulnerable, and show my vulnerability… The relationship we (you and your husband) have is very logical, to me it’s lacking emotional bonding, especially when I feel sad or angry. When I show him my vulnerable side, he would, like my real mother, try to talk me out of misery or anger.” – and so, he is sending you the same message as the one you received as a child: it is unacceptable and you are unlovable when you feel weak, vulnerable, sad or angry.

You continued: “Or he would leave me alone until I’m calmed down and then talk about it. Yes I agree sometimes this is a better solution, yet I also need the physical closeness to feel that I’m needed or loved especially when I am vulnerable.”- your need for physical comforting/ closeness when feeling these ways is non-negotiable.

“So now knowing what I want and need for bonding, is it possible to tell e.g. my husband that this is what I need to feel connected?”-

as I wrote above, your need for physical comfort is non-negotiable. Yes, tell your husband how strong your need is, how required, how necessary.

If after you tell him, he cannot or will not provide you with such comforting (give him some time to practice this new behavior on his part), with the sincerity and intent of comforting you, then- since you don’t have children- separation and divorce is what I would recommend.

Because your need is non-negotiable.

anita

Dear Michelle:

You are very welcome. Once again, I want to re-read your post and reply in the morning, when I hope to be more focused than I am now. That is in ten hours or so. Take good care of you.

anita

Awww… Anita you’re a glimmer at the end of the tunnel for soo many people here. So well done for holding onto your heart and using it in a positive way that helps other people on their journey.

I hope you manage to find the close intimate relationship you’re searching for. I too can relate to you. My mum hated me for being born and held onto the resentment for me most of my life. But I let go of it, thanks to the havening technique and countless positive affirmations. Even though she hated me being born after being told she wouldn’t have anymore children after my 2nd sister, she didn’t abort me. But it has caused me to seek and need the intimate nurturing I never had as a child. So I relate to the intimate bonding needed when it comes to letting out our emotions. But it also helps if we can understand our emotions and feelings. And after having them caged for soo long it does take time.

And true and meaningful love causes individuals to grow, develop, and chnage together on this journey. So I hope your husband connects with you the way you need. But even if he doesn’t, it may take time either way, but you will find it