July 23, 2019 at 3:45 am #304457
its been one year since I have been in a relationship. I am extremely happy with it too. I have a super friendly, fun and caring boyfriend and at the same time very loyal and sincere. but yet there’s only one problem that I am not able to do anything about it. we both are studying for the Association of Chartered Certified Accountants. we still have around 6 to 7 papers left to complete. these days my boyfriend is extremely lazy and least bothered about his career. he is totally into a don’t care attitude about his studies, exam and career. and I am really worried thinking about our future and about our future income earnings as a family. I am extremely worried if he is gonna look after the family’s financial side. fortunately, I have been grown up in a family where I have seen my parents working really hard especially my dad to support and grow the family’s standard of living. so seeing my partner’s this type of attitude makes me feel tensed and worried. I am totally ready to push him and motivate him to become ambitious and make him develop a hard-working mentality but I have absolutely no idea how to deal with it. I really need some effective guidelines on what I can do my best as a partner.July 23, 2019 at 5:43 am #304463
You’ve been in this very positive relationship for a year. It sounds as if your boyfriend’s attitude has changed fairly recently – I am wondering why this would be. People very rarely change from being studious/ambitious to being lazy and non-caring without there being an underlying reason. Do you know why he has had this change of heart?
Your boyfriend is not your father. Perhaps his expectations are not the same as yours. If you have to ‘push’ him into becoming ambitious and ‘make’ him have a hardworking mentality, he might not be the right person for you. Friendly, fun, caring, loyal and sincere are all extremely good qualities to possess. Mind you don’t “push” him out of your life with your need for financial security so early on in the relationship. Perhaps this is his way of telling you that he doesn’t share your agenda – not yet at any rate.
I suppose it’s pointless me telling you that worrying is futile. You have your life ahead of you and it’s probably going to take all sorts of twists and turns. The only thing that worrying will do for you is make everything seem worse than it is. All that stress and tension in one so young! It sounds to me as if you have a ‘beauty and the beast’ relationship – his light hearted approach attracts your stressed and worried approach. A word of caution here – the very things that attract us initially (even sub-consciously) are the very things that drive us apart eventually.
There’s more to life than money – is there any possibility that you can change? Looking at it from your boyfriend’s perspective, I would be very worried at the thought that I was entering into a long term commitment with a woman who wanted me to change. If you don’t love him as he is, you don’t love him.
PeggyJuly 23, 2019 at 9:00 am #304487
I agree with what Peggy said. If he’s suddenly changed his ambitions, it may be because he is feeling overwhelmed and needs a break, is losing interest in what he’s studying for, or he’s just settling into the relationship now and this is who he is. That’s probably a conversation you’re going to have to have with him.
You can’t really “push” and “make” people do things. That only creates resistance and animosity. You can encourage though (gently) and have discussions about what he envisions in the future and what his plans are for meeting his goals. If he’s losing interest in his chosen career, perhaps you could think of something together that could pique that interest again. If he’s feeling burnt out, that’ll likely take care of itself with a bit of rest and self-care, but he should set a timeline or date for when he’ll start pushing himself again. If this is just who he is and his level of drive and ambition doesn’t actually line up with your ideas of what you want, that’s something you’re going to have to think about as he may not be your match in that case (however, the qualities you’ve described are wonderful qualities in a man, and men don’t HAVE to be the family breadwinners if you happen to be the one with major drive and ambition… women can support a family, too).
Just remember during these discussions that your boyfriend is his own unique person and comparing him to what you’ve experienced with other people (like your dad) is quite unfair, just as it would be if he compared you to others in his life or projected his ideals and expectations onto you.July 23, 2019 at 9:14 am #304493
My rule for relationships is “what you see is what you get” which means, I don’t expect someone to change when I meet them. You want to take on this “project” in somehow making your boyfriend to be someone he is not rather than accepting for who and what he is. What you are getting is a super friendly, fun, loyal, sincere and caring boyfriend who has no ambition and is apathetic.
Don’t expect to be able to change certain parts/qualities of him as if he was some sort of construction project. You cannot motivate him. It has been proven in countless ways in psychological studies that real change comes from internally generated motivation, i.e. he has to want to do it himself.
Either move on or accept that you will be the one who is concerned about career, finances, and future. Are you willing to take on that burden?
MarkJuly 23, 2019 at 11:48 pm #304619
yea I know I shouldn’t hit on my perspectives and thoughts on him. But the fact is that he has been caught hold on a laziness issue. ( which he has accepted it with me before too). I am really sorry for not mentioning that its not something that all of a sudden he has changed. this is something that has been going on for years. Basically, he is a lazy person. He doesn’t sit for hours for his exams. He usually takes a few hours and maybe by luck, he passes few subjects with a boundary limit marks or maybe fails. He does not regret choosing his career, it’s just that he needs someone to push him to work a little harder. a few days back I had a talk with him if he is upset or fed up with what he has chosen or if he’s lost interest or something. but that isn’t the matter. he wants this qualification and also wants to get into a high profile and interesting corporate job, but it’s just that because of his laziness he is not able to reach his goals. I clearly don’t want to force him and make strict schedules for him to study because I don’t think so that’s gonna be a long-lasting technique to boost him. I just want him to get motivated and make him productive and help him to get rid of his laziness.July 24, 2019 at 1:18 am #304623
This doesn’t add up. He wants this qualification, he wants a high profile, interesting, corporate job. He doesn’t want to put the effort in to gain the reward. The job market is highly competitive and he will need more than borderline passes if he is to compete. Even if he were to get such a job, how long would it last?
I wonder who he wants all this for. If he isn’t motivated it is probably because he isn’t interested. The words coming out of his mouth aren’t matching his actions.
What career will he choose if he doesn’t pass his final exams? Maybe he just isn’t as worried about this as you are. This is not the be all and end all of life. Be wary of labels ‘lazy’. He’s carried this characteristic for years and will probably carry it for even more years to come. Maybe he’s just more laid back than you. In your view, all he needs is someone to “push him, motivate him and make him more productive”.
Your second post contradicts your first post where you said he has a ‘don’t care attitude towards his studies, exams and career’.
Everyone has said the same thing in their replies to you. If you are prepared to be the one who achieves, provides the finances and worries incessantly – fine. He will make an excellent father with all those friendly, caring, loyal and sincere qualities that you are enjoying so much.
Funny how you haven’t listened.
PeggyJuly 24, 2019 at 1:41 am #304625
So you already understand it is not possible to change people and that it is not something you should want to do. So unless your boyfriend wants your help to help him focus, you need to either accept him as he is or figure out if this is a deal-breaker for you.
If he wants your help, then there are many practical, pragmatic ways to be supportive in helping work out a schedule and approach that works for him. And that’s the point – you need to be supportive – not responsible. It is his choice and his alone. It is not a problem until he considers it a problem. You can not push him to do this, only help him if /when he wants help.
If I were you, I would also consider spending less time on his perceived problem and consider some of your own views too. E.g. “I am extremely worried if he is gonna look after the family’s financial side”. Why would you assume this would be the case – it sounds like you would naturally be the more capable one for this? Sounds like this is you assuming your life together will mirror that of which you have grown up with? It is ok to be different from your family, it does not make it automatically ‘bad’.
Do you often find yourself unfavorably comparing your boyfriend to your Dad? It sounds like anything your boyfriend does which doesn’t match the standard, especially of work ethic and finances, set in your family causes you concern. If you are truly happy in this relationship apart from this perceived problem, perhaps it’s worth exploring what your own values are. The qualities you list in your boyfriend are very valuable, as valuable as any financial ones. Accepting him as he is means accepting your lives may look different from those of your parents and you need to decide if you are ok with that without feeling resentful.