First of all- you might just be too much to handle! nothing wrong with that- that’s how you are so accept yourself, there might not be anything wrong with you , only you yourself might be convinced of it.You might just be a caring person but a little overbearing;take a step back from all situations and concentrate on what you feel is important.

It might be other people weakness not to relate to you since people always like to live in a feel good zone sometimes ignoring reality.It is good to find joy in mutual relationships , that does not mean that you are tying to gain their approval, maybe just that you need to adapt to the context of that particular social group, there are many , each one with it’s own rules.It’s not a personality issue either just that you are adopting a veneer in order to “fit in” or it may be unnatural for you to fall in line with this group in particular- find another social context in which you fell more in tune naturally.This is part of social dynamics that not everyone is built for.Rise above that particular circumstance.Probably you will find when you have less to do with that group they will criticize you less, When some people gather together they feel better about themselves if they have another person to” bring down” it’s just a form of cowardice where they only feel comfortable with others similar to themselves.

Life is not a walk in the park, get used to overcoming trouble, danger and disaster, which are more likely companions than happiness joy and elation, otherwise you are also in a form of denial about why we exist at all.

bear in mind that you get defensive only because you are left with less options of how to relate nicely to others in the face of their reactions to you. Apologise where you feel you are wrong but where you feel you have no need don’t be apologetic, marking territory creates respect even though they may not like you for it.

As for overdoing things, if someone asks you to go a mile go two! willingly, then what can they have against you

good luck!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by BRUNO.

Thanks Bruno and The Ruminant for your wonderful insights.

Hi PG / SG

I think you will benefit from an EFT or energy healing session. It seems you are holding on to a lot of unresolved emotions from your childhood and hence, the need for approval from others. These emotions and a certain innate belief system (I need to get approval from others to be happy) might have created a deep neuro-pathway in your brain.

You will be able to kick start your self nurturing and loving journey by having a healing session or an EFT session. Find out if there are any such practitioners in your locality whom others have had successes with and give it a try with an open mind. Within one or two sessions, you should be able to see some benefit.

Sending you heaps of positive energy and self-acceptance. You are awesome the way you are 🙂 and you know this very well too.

Hope @amatt can offer his loving insight here for you when he goes through your post.

J

Hi SG,

I’m new to this forum so not sure how things run along here. I couldn’t help but reply.
I absolutely can understand your situation as I used to do that alot.

For me what helped was to understand that it was my FEAR that let me in to this thinking, from my experience I learnt that when people often asked me “why”
it isn’t because they doubted my decisions or are necessarily criticising. I grew up being bullied in school, then always criticised by friends and family which resulted in me finding myself in a similar situation as yours.

Moving on What I found annoying was that I would explain myself to people even if they didn’t criticized me. Often it was because people would genuinely be curious and interested.

What I find now is that I ask myself whether it is important to explain myself to everyone I meet and if i do I try to remind myself to keep the explanation very short, clear are precise. Gradually this changed to me just no longer finding myself in a position where I am explaining myself to people to convince them.

It’s a great feeling, always put yourself and your happiness and inner peace first. Everything else is just noise. Surround yourself with people that allow you to proser and grow and distance from anything that drains you. Explaining yourself to people in order to convince them of what you want for yourself is draining.

I hope this helps

x
S

SG,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how old habits are tough to untangle. Perhaps when you were young, you had to walk on eggshells to stay safe, keep alert, ready for danger. Mistakes were terrible, lead to harm… so we learned to be very, very cautious. But, we were also kids, dumb, bumbling, ignorant, and so couldn’t predict or be perfect. Oops here and there. Then uncle would jump in, ready to swing, but if we could explain him down, talk him into seeing how we were coming from a good place, or whatever it took to keep his hands away, then we could avoid a shitton of pain. And perhaps you got really good at it, but now get stuck in a loop of it, do it automatically, when it doesn’t fit.

Plus, often when we let others take advantage of us, even if they are good people and would never want us to sacrifice, they either don’t know or fall into their own habits of expecting you to do this and that. “Oh, he’ll take care of it.” And sometimes, we want their love and affection enough that we’ll do it, feel resentment, but at least the “status quo” is maintained.

Whew! What a mess! Its actually a lot simpler to untangle than one might think. The main result you’re suffering with seems to be a lack of inner light, self love, the heartsong. Having to dash and dodge perhaps caused you to suppress yourself, keep hidden, keep safe. Now, though, its time to stand up, stretch those wings and get some air beneath your feet, in those lungs. But what to do?

Consider starting a metta meditation practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship in the chest, and intentionally growing that warmth helps the mind become smooth and peaceful. Said differently, when we spend time thinking kind things, directing our attention toward happiness for ourselves and others, it goes deep into the subconscious and silences all those old stuck bits very directly, quickly, simply. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Some of the other bits will naturally erode as you bolster that inner light. Consider for instance, sometimes the kindest thing to do is say no, but if the light is low, we may do the unskillful if we can gain some approval. Which is not really that kind at all!

Namase, dear brother, may you realize your strength.

With warmth,
Matt