I wanted to reply because you sound like me. I’m still single and working through my issues but I am finally in a place where I feel I am deserving of love, confident that I will meet someone but where I am also happy if it doesn’t, somewhere I never thought I’d be. I hope I can say something to help a bit.

First of all, I think you’re going in the right direction; you’ve already worked out what your patterns regarding men/relationships are, where they come from and you also recognise that the answer lies within you. Try and see the time on your own as your friend, an opportunity to work on yourself. you’ve aksed for things you can do every day; if you don’t already, i’d recommened practising Yoga and mediation. Yoga can be useful for releasing negative emotions and mediation will help you to quieten the mind and reduce the negative thoughts. Even if you still have the thoughts, we will learn just to notice them before they drag you down into some negative reaction and you’ll stop taking them so seriously. As a side note, i’d also suggets doing yoga with a female instructor to avoid the risk of the yogic student-teacher crush! Like Geoff says above, i’d also recommned Eckhart Tolle’s teachings. They have really helped me a lot. He’s also spoken on this topic quite a bit.

Regarding your background, have you asked your dad about his reasons for leaving/staying away? If you feel you can, it might help to talk to him about it and let him know how you felt growing up. Perhaps you could write him a letter. even if you don’t send it, just writing it down will help them emotion to come out, as you noticed when you were writing your post. Remember also that had your dad stayed, it doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t have these same emotional issues. My dad was around, but I still have the same problems, which i think are down to my relationship with both my parents and my family as a whole. I know you said he was a loving father to his other children; maybe he was that way because he felt he was missing out on his relationship with you and wanted to make up for it. If he’d stayed and had a poor relationship with your mum that would also have affected you negatively. Talking to him about his reasons, if you haven’t already, may help you put the past to rest.

Something that’s also helped me is realsing that (almost) everybody, even those people we least expect, has problems with self-esteem on some level. I remember a while ago, really liked this guy thought he was the sexiest, best-looking, nicest, most wonderful person ever. Like you, I had the same ‘he’d never want me thoughts’, until I was his friend on facebook and saw him writing about all his insecurities and asking why he couldn’t get a girlfriend. You never know, the guys who are ignoring you ma be doing so because they’re also shy and don’t believe you’d ever be interested in them!

Another thing that has helped me is (re)discovering the things I like doing and taking up new hobbies, although make sure it’s something you genuinely like and not soemthing you think will help you meet men. Having fun, or perhaps developing a new skill can help boost your self-esteem, bring more people into your life and will leave less space for the negative thoughts to distract you.

Hope this has helped!

Hello, like the ladies before me I too grew up without my dad. I knew him, saw him about two times in my life, he was never interested. The older I got the more it seemed to hurt me. I ended up marrying a man at 19 because I finally found somene who liked me and cared for me. Well we are divorced now and I also raise our daughter by myself…. at least he sees her regulalry. What helped me to get out and over this feeling of being worthless and lonely is simply time and patience with myself. Constant affirming that “I am great, I am loveable, I am worthy of all those great things that everyone wants and needs” Look at yourself in the mirror every morning and say ” I love you” I truely and deeply love you. It feels funny at first and you might get very emotional but that is good. I have done a bit of counseling over the years, read many self help books like ‘A new Earth’ from E. Tolle and also books about not loosing yourself in a relationship. t is hard but life is too short to let these thoughts stop us from living a happy and fullfield live! Learn to love yourself, fill your life with things that make you smile, happy and feel content. Also never see any man you may meet as a potential partner rather as a human and then eventually as a possible friend. The rest will come by itself if it’s meant to be. I just poured my mind out, I hope this is still helpful to you. Wishing you all the best. Work on yourself, give yourself something to be proud of.
Things to do : 1. read 2. learn 3. affirmations 4. yoga 5. meditation 6. counseling 7. writing (poems, diary) 8. Keep Smiling 🙂 Monday to Sunday even if it hurts

Sending you my love Anne

hi there:) i can find myself so much in your story!!! my mother left my biological father and he never cared about me, either. he is very rich, but did everything in order that he is only forced to pay the minimum alimony. when i was 3 years old (he lives on another continent), he called and lied to me, that he is about to visit me. i was waiting for weeks. it hurts so bad only thinking about that. how can one be so cruel to his own child? i have met him for the first time when i was 21 years old and i think he is in general a very, very bad person and i am thankful that my mother left him. still, i am so scared of being abandoned by men, or laughed at. my stepfather, whom i met when i was 3 years old did also do me harm regarding my relationshsips to men. he never accepted me, made me feel stupid and inferior many, many times.
most of the time i can accept myself (i am very proud of it, since it was so hard work to get to this point). But i still do have very, very bad days. when i meet a nice guy i treat him badly, because, unconsciously i guess, i think it´s better to be left for something you are not, than rather for your true self. of course, this is no solution. then, i am also atrracted to guys i don´t even know and probably never will. i imagine a life with them and get lost in day dreams. i feel soo ashamed for this and i have never told anyone. i think, i´m dreaming of a prince charming fairytale-style, because i want a man to come up to me and tell me, that i am fine the way i am. that i am lovable. everytime i get rejected, whether for my true self or my bad behaving self, i feel hurt deep down in the roots of my identity. at the lowest points i even think, that maybe i have a gene or something that makes me akward in the eyes of guys. i am soo scared to stay alone and to never have children and a family. that is one of my biggest goals in life. what even hurts me more (i do have experiences with guys, still, not that much as my peers) is that a friend of mine told me, that guys dont come up to me cause i´m tall and blonde and they might think i am a slut anyways. thats so unfair, because i wish so badly to have somebody to love, hug and share time with…

Tiny Dancer Hi

I honor your journey and feel your pain. You have, I believe, the most important quality for overcoming childhood abandonment, the will and desire too. How to accomplish this?

I am approx 2.5 years into this journey of overcoming childhood abandonment. My background along with what’s worked (practically as you’ve asked) follow:

My Background:
Childhood abandonment struggles have been with me for 40+ years. I’m a bit more sensitive than most. Growing up the home I lived in was empty.. Dad worked out of town and was not present when he was home. Mom worked full time, went to school full time and then worked 60+ hours a week. I was the target of her end of day stress and anger. She invalidated my experiences and cultivated doubts in me…At the time I was not strong enough to stand up to that… Siblings are older and were not present… Lacking social skills I struggled through school with rejections, awkwardness, bullies and few friends… I feel your pain.

Confronting my abandonment issues began in earnest 2.5 years ago when I was laid off and my marriage was crumbling. I am now capable of standing up for myself and letting myself experience my feelings. Knowing I matter, venting and expressing 40+ years of unexpressed unacknowledged feelings and learning what I need and want are all works in progress.

What Worked For Me in a Practical Way?
> Addressing Feelings which have been deeply suppressed for a long time….
Learning the language of feelings… Feelings that were too scary too radioactive for me had to see the light of day and I had to let myself experience… I deeply suppressed these…. hurt, anger, rejection, frustration, conflict, confrontation, fear, doubt, overwhelmed…
> Lots of crying… I experienced these feelings in waves… first hurt more recently doubt and anger. Each wave brought with it more tears.
> Sometimes to get to the sunshine requires passing through a storm.
> A good therapist. I tried 3 or 4 therapists before finding one I worked well with (very important). I’ve been in therapy 2-3 times a week and it has changed my life in a positive way.
> Surround myself with a small group of family and friends I confided in. Stating out loud my fears and doubts has a cleansing effect on me…
> Made of list of when I feel ____ I can _____ (fill in the blanks)… for example when I feel overwhelmed I can do less, say no, remember there are no dead ends in life…
> My feelings matter… I know this and am working towards feeling it. I’ve been consumed with needing and getting others to like me and neglecting my feelings.
> What do I need? What do I want? Still figuring these out. I know I need the people I surround myself with to hear me and be able to empathize with me.
> Would like to amplify SerCay’s comments… You are lovable and use sweet, caring and empathetic qualities on yourself… I still struggle with this.

New Knowledge
> Reading the book Transitions by William Bridges

If you are going to read one book read this one.
> Watch the Last Lecture by Randy Prausch

> Watch Brene Brown videos… Listening to Shame and The Power of Vulnerability


> Watching Robert Irvine Restaurant Impossible on the Food Network… He is terrific at diagnosing issues and finding solutions. He’s a new role model for me.
> Cut Throat Kitchen also on the Food Network… This show teaches me how to act when dealing with conflict and competition…

Hope this helps.

I am interested in starting a dialogue (this forum, chat, maybe talk) with others who have experienced childhood abandonment and would like to work through this too. Is this of interest to anyone?

Hello there,

I think all the main answers here are great advices . Love yourself and believe that you’re worth it. This doesn’t have anything to do with the fact your father did “his best” at that time. If you have the chance to talk to him, do it, it helps but still you have to do some work to release any anger, forgive and heal .

It takes time and patience. Do things that you love and start the day with a smile with positive affirmations: Meditation helps, and it can be done in many ways. You have to learn to love yourself and find your inner peace.your balance.

I can tell you this because even if I had a father in my life, he unfortunately never showed me real affection and despite of being raise in a loving family and even with an overprotected mother, ás a child I got the feeling of being abandoned or without importance to my father because He didn’t pay attention to me as others fathers do with their children.
He had his own issues and I could understand he didn’t know how to do it better, shame he didn’t try to learn or figure out but in any case i forgive him because i know it’s a feeling not a reality, though the feeling made a big scar in my life which i recognize in my relationships, by mostly giving myself and suppressing most of the time my feelings to don’t hurt others or make them leave me but , who truly loves you and wants to love you will listen to you and will share the time to get to know you BEACUSE EVERY HUMAN IS WORTH OF LOVE. Work on that and don’t compare with others, just cultivate your inner connection with your soul.
Hope it helps, accept what it was and believe it’s ok and it will be ok.
love.

IC