July 24, 2014 at 9:09 am #61677VKParticipant
I need a helping hand. Mornings and nights seem to be the worst for me, and before work today, I feel I need to release. I made a mistake a few months ago and let an individual back into my life that I have known for a long time wasn’t good for me; ill blame it on hope. Although he isn’t a bad person, he has problems in regards to aggression, disrespect and drinking, usually all combining when we fought. I have been called names and been treated like dirt over a 2 year span of an on and off toxic circle. When we weren’t fighting it was all good, and that’s what kept me around. Moving on, this last fight (less than a week) was the most detrimental one to me by far. He put his hands on me in public and said some of the most awful things to me that I am literally still recovering from. On top of that, of course I am also dealing with the break-up and knowing it’s time to let go. The combination of both of these major occurrences has got me feeling like I have a heavy weight on my chest. The thing that confuses me the most is that I have dealt with the break up thing before with him and although it was sad, I have way more motivation to be okay than I have right now… but I feel it’s due to the fact I was broken in half that night mentally and spiritually, embarrassed and belittled, so I am working on a very, very sad & weak mindset right now. It’s scaring me. I don’t like it. The only thing that has any sort of comfort is that I know this is all so raw still.. If I was feeling like this 6 months down the road I would be freaking out, but I know it’s simply because It hasn’t been long enough to even digest. How someone could destroy another human, or try, ill never understand. I know Ill be okay, I KNOW it. But right now, it doesn’t comfort me. Any positive words, or experienced people in this category, I would love, love, love to hear your words.July 24, 2014 at 2:18 pm #61691MattParticipant
I’m sorry for your suffering, and know how low we can feel sometimes after a struggle with an aggressive being. Sometimes when we feel low, generally unhappy with who we are as a person, we become vulnerable to other people’s opinion, give them the keys to our well being, and then despair when they fail to honor that gift. The healing comes, not from them changing, but rather from being more responsible with our own self. Said differently, VK is a beauty, but when that goes unnoticed, someone else saying “VK is ugly” seems to tear at us, harm us. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Consider that its time for you to take your power back. If in was standing there, watching the exchange, you would not appear less in my eyes, his words would appear to spring forward from his own bullshit, and have nothing to do with you. You have nothing to be ashamed of, he does, but you have tried to walk a heartfelt path, and that’s clear, shines around you like an aura.
At some point, we have to accept that snakes are snakes, and when we dance close to them, we can get bitten. A stronger, more stable VK perhaps could have stepped aside, not taken it in. “Uhh, you’re rude, sorry, I’m done with you.” And walked away. Hey, listen to those birds singing! What a beautiful day! But, you wanted him to see you favorably, wanted things to work, and that desire gives him an in,even now. As though his opinions mean anything… reflect some part of you more truly that your own two eyes. From a different direction, if a three year old came up to you and insisted that the sky was green, grass is blue, would you think maybe that was true? Maybe you were seeing things wrongly? The same is true with him. He says this and that, blames, shames, grabs… but because he is weak, stuck, unable to bear the wright of his own crap. So he tries to offload it to you. “You make me mad”, nope, false. He’s mad because his mind is unkempt. “You’re unlovable”, nope false. Love is in the heart of the lover, and his lack has to do with him, not you. On and on, his baggage tries to become placed on your shoulders, and it is not yours, never has been.
What’s yours is taking his garbage in, knowing he is corrosive and getting close. Like willingly jumping into a snake pit, getting bitten, and becoming feverish from the venom. Now that you see it, though, you won’t do it again, right? Lesson learned, “VK deserves tenderness, kisses, not bites.” Well, some biting might be fun, but in a much different context.
Consider, now, turning away from him, his reflections, his baggage. Yes, it would have been great if he could have treated you with tenderness, but he didn’t, so its up to you! Time to be the tenderness you’re looking for, and become more gentle, kind to your heart. Consider getting back to the self nurturing that you did before getting swept into the love/hate passionfest. Go for walks in nature, hop in the tub, continue participating in exploring the world with like minded people. Your heart is stronger than you know, and will heal in time. As we self nurture, we offer our body and mind the space it needs to heal, find its balance, come home to the tender space of compassion and happiness inside us. When that is stable, a person yelling at you looks way different. Either “Wow, what a dick. Glad I’m not him” or “I wonder what conditions bring that kind of blabbering behavior” or “sorry, friend, this bullshit you’re spinning isn’t mine.” Etc. Not “oh no, he broke me”. He.did.not.
Finally, try not to hold too much resentment for the venom he offered you. His past is perhaps long and arduous, as healthy people don’t act like that. Get away, yes, keep away from the snake pit. But don’t resent the snakes for being snakes, that just how they are right now, the conditions of their own life, their makeup. Turn away, walk away, and their hissing becomes laughable. Like his heart is open enough to see you, reflect you truly… ha. If his heart was clear, he would lay his wand at your feet in honor of your beauty. His unwillingness/inability to do that has nothing to do with you. “Not mine” taught the Buddha.
Namaste, dear sister, may your clouds break, sunlight shining from within.
MattJuly 25, 2014 at 7:12 pm #61775VKParticipant
@matt WOW! Thank you so much for your words and support. It’s Friday night and I was TEMPTED to feel lonely and sad, but thank goodness I decided to check if I had any replies. All i need is reminders, those are lifesavers to me. Thank you for reminding me of what is important and the positive steps to take. Tonight’s mood and overall enjoyment has increased greatly thanks to you. Much love!July 26, 2014 at 8:25 am #61804MattParticipant
You’re welcome, glad to have helped. I especially like the way you noticed I was only helping you remember. Such as, the words only helped you see what you already are. Consider giving gratitude to yourself, especially, because your loving intention is what causes the shine… not the reminders to notice it. Said differently, that “WOW” was all you, the words themselves, empty, pointers, a mirror. 🙂
May there be many nights where you laugh at the temptation to lament, feel sorry for yourself, and with that laughter, go play. Namaste.
MattAugust 4, 2014 at 6:08 pm #62628NatashaParticipant
Nice Matt – you rockAugust 5, 2014 at 9:28 am #62691WillParticipant
VK, I hope you’re feeling OK. This is a hard situation to be in, so cut yourself some slack if you feel sad, weak, even broken. Even if that is how you feel right now, you will heal in time if you continue to offer yourself kindness and comfort.
And stay away from the snake pit, yes.
All my best wishes.