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How to Socialize as a Loner… help

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  • #314545
    Aiko
    Participant

    So I hit my 25 year mid crisis & decided that I’ve lost my pizzazz…

    in college I was super sociable & popular. Still a introvert but it was so much easier making friends..

    Now that I’ve graduated and spent 90% of my life at work & home completely isolated from friends. And after getting out of a relationship with someone who made me feel lonelier than I already was. I decided to push myself to adopt a new sociable & adaptable ego so to speak.

    I want to be me at my best, sociable , charming , adaptable , courageous , fierce … not just 10% of the time as usual but I want to be this way most times!

    i challenged myself to go to events alone so I can force myself to socialize . I’m currently at a open event & everyone is cliqued up as usual & I came alone & socializing seems impossible. It’s a movie event and the movie has yet to start.

    im sitting at a table alone while ppl socialize together. I feel like a idiot. Embarrassed. Alone & like people feel bad for me…

    I shouldn’t have come out…

    now im afraid to leave. I get in this weird habit of thinking people are watching me…

    ugh. How would a socialite navigate this situation ?

    How would I socialize with ppl when everyone is already happy with friends ??

    🙁

    #314631
    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Aiko,

    I’m not the world’s best socialite but I have on many occasions gone to movies, group meetings, concerts etc. on my own.  Conversations with others, women in particular, meet with comments such as “I wouldn’t be brave enough to do that”.  I’ve just taken the view that if I want to see the movie, concert or whatever, it’s what I have to do.  So I sit alone, smile on my face, drink on the table and attempt to look as if I’m enjoying myself.  I might feel slightly uncomfortable but it’s only going to last for about 15 minutes until the event begins.  Sometimes, I would ask to sit at a table that a couple might be occupying and usually a conversation begins.  Being open and friendly is the best way forward and perhaps a simple explanation as to why you have had to go to the event alone could lead to you being included in one of the groups.

    A socialite doesn’t really care what people think of him and knows that he has every right to be out in the midst of a social event.  He wouldn’t be embarrassed, would enjoy being the center of attention, and wouldn’t be afraid to leave if he wanted to.

    Peggy

    #314647
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aiko:

    If it is true that you had anxiety all your life (“I’ve had anxiety all my life”, previous thread), then “I want to be me at my best, sociable, charming, adaptable, courageous, fierce… not just 10% of the time as usual but I want to be this way most times!”- is an unrealistic expectation for yourself.

    Here is an example of what I think is a more realistic expectation: I want to get better, over time, gradually. To be genuinely sociable at times, authentic, courageous and patient with myself.

    anita

    #314713
    Aiko
    Participant

    Hi Peggy , thanks so much !

    ive been reading this new book on self mastery and it’s helping me tons.

    Thanks Anita, I hear what you’re saying. It is a gradual goal. I don’t think me saying that I want to be more sociable than 10% is unrealistic at all. But I do hear you. To paraphrase I was trying to say that before graduation  I actually was more sociable & post graduation and getting a full time   Job I’ve scaled back a bit. So I’d like to get back to where I was. I have anxiety but I’m more on the high functioning end. And I’ve managed my anxiety pretty well with self discipline and really proud of that. I believe in setting realistic goals and this is what I’m doing and holding myself accountable to .

     

    Thanks for your comments guys.

    The book I’m reading is specifically on alter ego development which is a interest of mine. (Todd Herman). If anyone can give me more examples of how a socialite would navigate this situation. I’d appreciate it!

    #314723
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aiko:

    Can you explain to me what “alter ego” means to you- in the context of your thread here, do you mean that you want to adopt a socialite personality, sort of fake-it-till-you-make it?

    anita

    #314751
    Aiko
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    as mentioned in the post & in my comment. I am trying to go back to being more social like I was in college. While utilizing a common psychological hack used amongst many well known sports psychologists when training athletes or even entertainers. It’s similar to the placebo effect. Utilizing capabilities your body already has, igniting it with an intention or by modeling someone or something that does it well . It would be followed by an integration of ego.

    #314753
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aiko:

    People’s priorities change when moving from school/ college to the working world, lifestyle changes and so, “How to socialize” requires a new answer, a new strategy. I heard of meetup groups but never attended any. Maybe attending an acting class will benefit you- it did help me express myself in the context of a group. With a good teacher, an acting class can do wonders for “a Loner”.

    anita

    #314763
    Aiko
    Participant

    Thanks Anita you’re very smart.

    #314767
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Aiko, and thank you.

    anita

    #383634
    Murtaza
    Participant

    I want to be me at my best, sociable , charming , adaptable , courageous , fierce … not just 10% of the time as usual but I want to be this way most times!

    Sounds like you want to be perfect, this also (i want to be me) means you have a high expectations for  yourself, and will push yourself even if it more good then bad, it also means you already have an image of yourself,

     

    Im assuming the worst of your repaly, if any of them its true then its good because now you know, if not, you won’t lose anything, and i think assuming the best won’t do any good.

     

    “now im afraid to leave. I get in this weird habit of thinking people are watching me

    A further evidence to my claim (sounds you want to be prefect) you care too much about people opinion, you want to be perfect infornt of them, and the evidence is that you are afraid to leave.

     

    How would a socialite navigate this situation ?

    The better question would be “how would i wanna handle this situation?”

     

    Why you try to be something that you are not? You said that you are introvert, there is other ways you can make friends, other way to connect with people, a more introvert way, that will suit you more.

     

    How would I socialize with ppl when everyone is already happy with friends ??

    I don’t think this is true.

     

    I actually was more sociable & post graduation

    WAS, foucs on your current self and desires.

     

     I want to be more sociable than 10% is unrealistic at all

    This only supports my claim “you have a high expectation for yourself and gonna push yourself even if its bad” the funny thing is, i read a section of your post and replay and then continue reading.

     

    I believe in setting realistic goals and this is what I’m doing and holding myself accountable to .

    A very inflexible attitude, no one gonna change your mind about this goal or the problem underneath.

     

     I am trying to go back to being more social like I was in college

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Why you try so hard to be something you was in the past? That’s the question you should ask yourself, and can you drop your false image of who you are for one second?</p>
     

    Utilizing capabilities your body already has, igniting it with an intention or by modeling someone or something that does it well . It would be followed by an integration of ego.

    I don’t care who says this, you can’t change the core of your quality of your personality, if you have the desires and feelings and thoughts of an introvert, then you can’t change them, you can only push yourself towrds something that you don’t desire for a false image or an idea.

     

    “a Loner”

    Notice that anita put marks there, because you have this image of yourself, and it bothers you so much, its because you look yourself from people perspective too much, that you forget your needs and desires and foucs on what they should see, they should see a perfect person, a soical, courageous, charming person, that is not a loner.

     

    its hard to help anyone online, especially when he hand picked the information he gives, i assumed the worse out of scenarios, if you got offended then ask why? Why did words online effected me that much, my its your ego, myabe you don’t like what you hear, ask why, this is all i can offer.

     

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