How to stop holding grudges against nasty people from my past

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This topic has 8 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks, 2 days ago by anita.

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September 7, 2025 at 5:21 am #449482

MissLDuchess
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Lately I’ve been struggling with some old scars resurfacing. I recently found out that a girl who bullied me in high school is now engaged. My mom had always pushed me to be friends with her because we grew up close by and were two of the few Americans at our international school. Even my U.S. admissions consultant was adamant we’d inevitably “hit it off like a house on fire.” But in reality, she was snarky, nasty, and passive-aggressive, constantly mocking me for my socially awkward, “teacher’s pet” nature (later diagnosed as NVLD) and my heritage. She made me feel “weird, inferior, and dumb.”

Since being diagnosed with NVLD, I’ve been reflecting a lot on how misunderstood I was growing up. To be fair, I do have fond memories of my international school years and met people I wouldn’t have crossed paths with otherwise. But college was far more difficult — socially it felt like junior high on steroids.

I had a nightmare roommate in an all-girls dorm (something my mom encouraged, thinking it would lead me to nice, quiet peers). Instead, I was constantly sleep-deprived, harassed by her controlling fiancé, and gaslit by my RA. I ended up going home most weekends to survive, which only sabotaged my chances of building friendships. Ironically, that same RA is now in jail abroad. So yes, sometimes people’s actions do catch up with them — but the pain they caused still lingers.

Meanwhile, people like that “mean girl” from high school are moving on with their lives, settling down, getting married. And I’m still here — trying to heal, create meaningful friendships, and hopefully one day find a life partner. I have acquaintances, but my circle of true friends is very small.

The truth is, I don’t want enemies. I don’t want to hold on to resentment. I just want peace, and to know that even if my path looks very different from others, there’s still love and belonging ahead for me.

How do you stop spiraling about the unfairness of it all? How do you stop looking back at painful chapters — the missed opportunities, the disappointments, the hurt caused by people who seemed like they were supposed to be the “perfect friend” — so you can actually open your heart to the happiness, love, and friendships you deserve?

September 7, 2025 at 3:14 pm #449492

Roberta
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Hi
You have already taken the first step , which is that you have noticed that these thoughts bring you no happiness only more misery.
Each time they arise & you feed upon them it is like you are wrapping yourself in barbed wire so it is not only painful to you but it also puts a barrier up to anyone coming close to you. have you tried a phrase such as “that was then, this is now” say this to yourself each time you notice that you have slipped into the past.
Moment by moment we have the opportunity to choose to abide in peace & wisdom & equanimity.
I will give you a for instance from my life…..the other morning I had to bathe & change my dad whilst he was in bed because he was wet & soiled & could not stand up. I was crying thinking I can’t go on & maybe I should just call an ambulance & have him taken to hospital.
I took a couple of deep breathes made sure my dad was safe & I said to my self you need to go & have some breakfast now & listen to a dharma video. I noticed I was physically shaking due to low blood sugar levels so breakfast was definitely a wise thing to do. The video gave me some perspective & an hour later my dad woke up all bright & bushy tailed ready to get up & go out.
Regards Roberta

September 7, 2025 at 10:11 pm #449496

Alessa
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Hi Roberta

I just wanted to say. Bless your soul! ❤️ Your father is lucky to have you. I know it is hard taking care of a loved one. I know it is painful, but he gets such excellent care and so much love with you. Such a beautiful nature you have as well and an excellent perspective. ❤️

September 7, 2025 at 10:26 pm #449497

Alessa
Participant

Hi Miss Duchess

Meditation and gratitude practice help me a lot. Therapy too. Learning about Buddhism helps me too. It is all training to develop more positive thoughts and a more flexible perspective. ❤️

I think that loneliness is very hard for people and the only cure is really putting yourself out there and finding your people. That you have friends is proof that you can do it again, so don’t be disheartened. You have been doing really well with it, facing your fears putting yourself out there even though it is not comfortable right now. I know it is not easy, but you are doing the right things. ❤️

Recently, I meet someone that I would like to be closer friends with and it hasn’t worked out because their lives are so busy with travelling. It is nice to touch base when she is around though. 😊

The difficulties are still relatively fresh for you as well. They will start to become easier in time. Sure you might always have memories that come up. But you can learn to take care of yourself when that happens. Be kind to yourself, not judge yourself for it. It is part of the human experience and how our minds work. We need to be able to remember to learn. ❤️

October 6, 2025 at 6:38 am #450595

Thomas168
Participant

Forgiveness. When one begins to forgive then one can begin to forget the past. If you don’t forgive then the past will always come up and the hurt and pain will be relived. Forgive them and let your heart lighten.

November 4, 2025 at 7:18 am #451499

kyle
Participant

My view on forgiveness:

The thing about forgiveness is that it’s really about us and not them. whether or not they are aware you’ve forgiven them is not as important as the act of forgiving is to us.
If they know you’ve forgiven them and accept that, well it’s just a bonus.
Forgiveness does NOT mean you are okay with what happened.
Forgiveness does NOT mean you will allow it to happen again.
Forgiveness DOES mean you will no longer allow what happened to affect you physically, mentally and spiritually.
Forgiveness takes back the power that resentments and hate and anger drain from our being.
Forgiveness can be given in person, in private (without them knowing) or even to someone whom is deceased.
We are allowed to forgive ourselves as well!

November 4, 2025 at 8:30 am #451508

anita
Participant

Hello Kyle:

I like the clarity you offered in your reply above, your first in tiny buddha, I believe. Thank you 🙏

I was wondering, can you elaborate on:

“Forgiveness DOES mean you will no longer allow what happened to affect you physically, mentally and spiritually.”?

Let’s say a person was shot and as a result can never walk again, how can that person no longer allow what happened (the shooting) to affect him physically (he can’t walk)?

I hope to read more of your thoughts here and in other threads 🙂

🤍 Anita

November 5, 2025 at 3:04 am #451559

kyle
Participant

[quote quote=451508]Hello Kyle:

I like the clarity you offered in your reply above, your first in tiny buddha, I believe. Thank you 🙏
[/quote]
Hello Anita, Thank you for the warm welcome, although I would apologize as it seems I truly didn’t offer clarity.

With respect to not allowing forgiveness to affect one physically, I certainly did not mean to imply that it would erase any of the physical scars of trauma.

Rather the physical effects caused by the emotional, mental and spiritual toll that holding on to anger, resentments and hate can have on our bodies. Anxiety, depression, increased heart rate, appetite loss, chronic pain, sleep loss and many other negative health outcomes can result from these negative emotions, especially when they are held long term.

At least that is my understanding, I am not a medical doctor and so please understand that.

November 5, 2025 at 9:22 am #451562

anita
Participant

Hello Kyle, Miss L Dutchess, Everyone:

Thank you for answering me, Kyle!

You were clear (in my mind) except for this one sentence. So, forgiveness means to no longer entertain long- term, or chronic anger over what happened, and so, to no longer experience the physical, mental and spiritual effects of chronic anger. That’s clear to me.

And indeed, I read that multiple medical studies have shown that long-term anger can negatively affect physical health — especially the heart, blood vessels, digestion, sleep, and immune system.

* A 2024 NIH study found that even brief anger episodes impair blood vessel dilation, which can contribute to long-term cardiovascular damage.

Long-term anger keeps the body in a heightened stress state, leading to chronically elevated cortisol levels. This can result in fatigue, poor emotional regulation, and increased impulsivity, as well as weakened immune function.

Anger disrupts the autonomic nervous system, which regulates digestion. Chronic stress and anger are linked to IBS, IBD, GERD, and other gastrointestinal issues.

People with high anger levels often experience sleep disturbances, including difficulty falling or staying asleep.

Anger is associated with worse symptoms in anxiety and depression, and can impair concentration and emotional resilience.

I continue to read that Healthy Anger is temporary, fades after resolution, is triggered by a specific event or injustice, is expressed through assertive, respectful communication, its purpose is to motivates change or boundary-setting, and in regard to its impact, it can strengthen relationships.

On the other hand, Chronic Anger is persistent, lingers for hours or days, is often triggered by minor issues, is expressed explosively, passive-aggressively, or it’s bottled, it reinforces resentment or emotional tension, and damages health and relationships.

Thank you, Kyle. I hope to read more from you, here, or elsewhere 🙂

🤍 Anita
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