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How To Stop Taking Everything So Personally

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Inky 2 months ago.

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  • #316301

    Henly
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m Henly I am a school teacher so I meet with other teachers often. We have to stay late hours sometimes & I know this frustrates everyone. Sometimes people arrive with heavier energies, slightly slam doors, have a more aggravated voice that I happen to catch or be in the crossfire of. The problem is , I take it all personally. My mind goes down this self blame path because I sense changes in energy so intensely, I blame myself & convince myself they are angry with me. Then I go down a list of reasons of what I possibly did wrong which makes me paranoid to a point I fear losing things including my job. Even when I haven’t done anything wrong I find something because I always blame myself for other people’s energy or negative feelings. I know it’s not all the way rational but it’s automatic.

    This doesn’t just happen at work either. I know it probably stems from some childhood stuff. A responsibility I had to caretake for my caretakers who were ill, irresponsible, & unable to communicate effectively. But I’m not a child anymore. Now I’m just vulnerable and wounded.

    I guess in a perfect world everyone would be accountable for their own mood & be more conscientious of how they communicate , do things & treat others when they are not feeling the best. But I guess because everything is so desensitized- the world still doesn’t properly accommodate sensitive people to a point my sensitivity is feeling a lot more like a disability. I pick up on things I don’t even mean to or want to then I’m stuck trying to figure out how to deal with it. I feel bad for the people I pick it up from, I mean so many people are walking through life not allowing themselves to feel they just rather repress it then develop a physical ailment or something I guess. I sometimes wish I weren’t so sensitive, but then I think maybe God has allowed me these sensitivities to help others but now it just feels like a burden. Like it was a mistake. Like there’s something wrong with me.

    #316333

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Henly:

    “it’s automatic… A responsibility I had to care take for my caretakers who were ill, irresponsible & unable to communicate effectively”- so as a child you took care of your parents, but they were angry at you in return, weren’t they- communicating one thing effectively to you- that they were displeased with you, angry at you.

    So now automatically you assume everyone else is angry at you, is what I figure.

    Am I correct?

    anita

     

    #316339

    Henly
    Participant

    Hi,

    my father was really angry. My mother was really emotionally manipulative, like never taking responsibility for anything . Constantly self victimizing. It would make me feel guilty and like I had to fix everything. I get where it comes from. Just don’t know how to stop thinking this way.

    #316505

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Henly:

    “how to stop thinking this way”-

    1. “Sometimes people.. slightly slam doors”- when you hear a slamming of the door, say to yourself: this is not my father slamming the door. I am not at home with my angry father.

    2. “Sometimes people.. have a more aggravated voice”- when you hear a person’s aggravated voice, say to yourself: this is not my father. I am not at home with my father.

    3. When you notice that you “blame.. & convince myself they are angry with me… I go down a list of reasons of what I possible did wrong”, say to yourself: my father/ my mother was angry with me, and he blamed me. I was afraid a whole lot that I just said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing and he will be angry with me.

    – in other words, when you notice that your past experience has been activated in the present, move your attention to those past events, assigning your present thoughts and feelings to where they belong- the past.

    * I am assuming these interactions with your parents are indeed in the past, that you no longer live with them, no longer take care of them, and no longer being exposed in any way to your father’s anger and your mother’s manipulation.

    anita

    #316517

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Henley,

    Firstly, take a step back from whatever is happening with your colleagues, calm yourself with a couple of deep breaths if you need to and then ask the question “I hope it’s nothing I’ve said or done?”.  You’ll know from the reply whether or not if’s your fault and if necessary you will have the opportunity to apologize or make amends in some way.  “What’s going on.  I can sense tension around me.” might be another opening where you can put your mind at rest that whatever is wrong has nothing to do with you.

    It might take some courage initially but very soon you will reap the benefits and cease to worry about things unnecessarily.

    Best wishes

    Peggy

    #316753

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Henly,

    Strategies:

    1. Simply not be there for these “mandatory” late hours once or twice a year. No one can argue with a toothache, right??

    2. Change the mood. Order pizza, and offer coffee or chocolate for everyone.

    3. When someone slams a door, tell them to shut it quietly. Offer a chocolate. When someone is aggravated, tell them that it stresses you out. Offer a chocolate. Commiserate. Say you hate being there as much as anyone.

    4. Tell everyone you are going out for dinner/drinks after if anyone wants to join you.

    5. Ask, “Is it me??” He/she/they will fall over backwards assuring you that it’s not you!

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    #317255

    GL
    Participant
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