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Hurt and confused.

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Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • September 29, 2018 at 3:20 am #228055
    Katie
    Participant

    So I started college about a month ago and I met this guy. He is so sweet, intelligent, polite, and good looking. He is a stark contrast from my boyfriend who is aggressive, loud, rude, and many other things. My boyfriend isn’t all that bad… but this new boy that I met possesses all the qualities that my boyfriend doesn’t have. For example, he offers to hold my backpack and offers to put his jacket on me when I’m cold. I’ve been hanging out with this new boy secretly. I know it is wrong even though we have never actually done anything sexual. We hang out as friends and he flirts with me constantly while I don’t really flirt back (because of my boyfriend) but I don’t reject his flirty comments either. I love my boyfriend so much but he treats me very poorly. I have NEVER cheated on my boyfriend during the 3 years we have been dating. I literally haven’t flirted with a guy since I met him (except for this new boy). This really isn’t like me. But I can’t descibe how amazing this new boy makes me feel. He is so interested in getting to know me. I think it is such a turn on that he tells me about his family and asks about mine. I get butterflies so badly. I can’t stop thinking about him yet I still love my boyfriend. I can’t imagine breaking up with him because our relationship is basically my entire life. We have plans to marry and everything. However, I’ve noticed throughout the 3 years we have been dating that for some reason he seems to think about his ex a lot. I can just tell. He’s done many hurtful things that show he thinks about her and wants her back. I haven’t noticed it recently until tonight because the last time an incident occurred involving her was about a year ago. But tonight I was thinking about the new boy during the entire time I was hanging out with my boyfriend. I literally can’t get my mind off him. I think I was looking for a way to break up with my boyfriend. I didn’t have the guts to do it as I still love him so much. I can’t just leave him. I wanted a reason… so I went on his phone and saw his ex drunk texted him and he was replying (they were almost flirting). He then texted his friend “(ex’s name) drunk texted me but now she’s not answering” and his friend asked “are you still with Katie” and my boyfriend replied “on and off” but we are NOT on and off. I know him flirting with his ex isn’t that bad considering I’m flirting with this new guy I can’t stop thinking about. But it hurts to know that he still seems to be in love with her. And he has been doing little things like this for the past 3 years so yeah it makes me feel like our relationship meant nothing. Whatever. The thing I’m MORE hurt about is the fact that I thought I knew I loved my boyfriend and was so loyal to him. I never thought of anyone else and I was so sure. Now I’m confused because of this new guy. In my heart I love my boyfriend and can’t let him go. It’s so hard to explain. But this new guy is so sweet to me. He treats me like I should be treated and we aren’t even dating or anything. He compliments my eyes and my hair and my facial structure. He’s so interested in who I am. He seems more invested in me than my boyfriend ever has before. It’s like we have this mutual bond between just us… something my boyfriend and I never had as we are always fighting. I’m sad. Hurt. Confused. I know if my boyfriend saw me texting and hanging out with this new guy he would flip. Like I said my boyfriend is very rude and he has threatens me multiple times that he will “message my new boy if we ever break up and tell him a bunch of bad stuff so he never thinks of me the same” and I honestly believe he will do it because that is who he is. I thought I knew my life and then this guy comes up out of the blue AND my boyfriend is becoming way more obvious in his pursuit for his ex. He is snap chatting all of her friends… which I think is a way for him to get closer to her secretly. I’m flooded with so many emotions:

    1) extreme lust for this new guy who is sooo attractive and sweet and smart and polite. I am so happy every time we talk and I haven’t felt such a strong connection with someone in a long time

    2) extreme hurt because I want to be with my boyfriend deep inside but this new guy is messing it up. I don’t WANT to have feelings for this new kid but I can’t help it. I feel them so strong. I never thought this would happen to me I thought my boyfriend would be my last.

     

    3) heart broken over the fact that my boyfriend seems to be a little too fond of his ex. It makes me feel like I wasn’t enough for him. For example, I feel like she is more erotic than me. Im very sweet and kind and she is very outgoing fun and flirty. She is Filipino and he is very much into Filipinos. I feel like I am not attractive enough to him. I don’t feel like his ex is more attractive than me however I feel as though she is more of. His type.

    Please help because I am so confused about these emotions.

    • This topic was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Katie.
    September 29, 2018 at 3:34 am #228059
    Katie
    Participant

    To add more: I just need to explain a little bit more of why I am so attracted to this new kid. He is sweet and kind but not too much. I’m into bad boys and he seems to be that way from the outside. However, his personality shows that he is very kind and caring. His parents taught him how to treat a girl. He has never explicitly said he likes me but I can tell he does because he constantly offers to do favors for me, constantly tries to bring up hanging out, offers to drive me home, offers to help me with my homework, he tells me about his family and asks about mine. He asks me stupid questions like “what is your favorite color” he constantly goes out of his way to talk to me. We met in class and he always walks me to my dorm when the class is over. My dorm is further away from the building than his is yet he still walks me. Ugh. I seriously can’t get him off my mind. I love that he knows exactly what to do to get the girl he wants. I love how smart he is. He is studying to be a neurosurgeon and is just very smart. Yet he claims he thinks I am sooo smart when in reality he is very smart. The only reason he thinks I am so smart is because I do very well in the class we have together. I seriously can’t get him off my mind but I love my boyfriend still…

    also I know it’s wrong to snoop on people’s phones but I always use his phone to play games and he does the same with my phone. So it was natural for me to go on his phone but then I saw the text messages from his ex accidentally.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Katie.
    September 29, 2018 at 6:09 am #228077
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    The trick is to make the decision to break up with your boyfriend whether the new guy existed or not. And by the way, YES! I think you SHOULD break up with your boyfriend ANYWAY! This relationship has run its course. You are worth so much more than being treated like you were an unwanted consolation prize.

    The other trick of it is to be OK if the new guy doesn’t actually choose you as a girlfriend once you break up with the old boyfriend. Otherwise you can be totally resentful. I would keep him as a friend forever regardless of how far it goes with him.

    This new guy has come into your life to show you how you SHOULD be treated. Thank God! Better you find this out now than at 30 when you find yourself in a loveless marriage.

    Best,

    Inky

    September 29, 2018 at 10:48 am #228131
    Katie
    Participant

    Inky,

    I think I am going to follow that advice. But I need a little bit more time to think so I’ve decided that in the mean time I am just going to keep the new boy and my relationship as a friendship. We will be friends until I make the decision to break up with my boyfriend or not. I’m not counting on this new guy to take my boyfriend’s place of course. I only want to break up with my boyfriend if it is the best decision for myself. But I can’t get over how much he seems to like me seriously. I have an essay due next week and he wants to help me with it and he even offered to do research on the subject to help me. He keeps offering to do things for me in a very caring way that screams “I am able to take care of you” it is weird. I know it is just infatuation since we just met, but the thing that makes him so attractive to me is he is a little bit cold and distant when you first meet him. The class is very small and he rarely talks in class. When I first met him I noticed he has a very “I don’t care about this” attitude. For some reason I find that so attractive since his coldness is mixed with the fact that he acts like he cares so much about my well being. It is like he is tough, cold-hearted, and strong when he has to be but he wants to show me his caring side to win me over.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Katie.
    September 30, 2018 at 7:59 pm #228329
    Katie
    Participant

    Update:

    I hung out with the new boy today and realized I don’t like him… and I am disgusted at how much I thought I did. But that’s another story. Well, now I am back to hating college and wishing I wasn’t here because I have no friends.

    October 1, 2018 at 1:49 am #228351
    riris
    Participant

    Dear Katie

    Thanks for the update. As for the new boy – you liked him and now you don’t anymore. Don’t be hard on yourself! In fact, with this new boy, you realise how you should be treated by a man. Your current boyfriend, as I understand, doesn’t do that or very litte. It’s like you have to prove time and again to be with him. Maybe he sees / feels doubts on your side and wants to help out with your essay. Correct me if I’m wrong.

    As having no friends, why do you think that? You’re now in an emotional state of mind.

    Riris

    October 1, 2018 at 9:59 am #228423
    Katie
    Participant

    Riris,

    Yes, that is true. I now know that a man should treat me with kindness and respect. When I am looking for someone new in the future, I will now know what I want. I think I just feel very uncomfortable because I broke the news to the guy that I do have a boyfriend. It was awkward. And I feel like have no friends because… I kinda don’t. I have met people and I know people… but I don’t hang out with anyone on a regular basis here at college. It sucks because I am such a social person but I am timid. I also go home often to see my boyfriend/ friends. At first, I thought the reason I had no friends was due to me continually going home on weekends… but I am starting to think that I go home every weekend to avoid feeling lonely on Friday and Saturday nights. And when I do go home, it is pretty fun. My boyfriend’s college is 40 minutes from my house so I drive up there and he takes me to parties. I do enjoy spending time with my boyfriend and his friends, so it is good. However, I wish I had more friends. How/when will I meet people who I enjoy being around/ who enjoy being around me?

    October 2, 2018 at 4:56 am #228565
    riris
    Participant

    Dear Katie

    Of course, it was akward to break the news to that man – maybe he wanted more than friendship. However, it’s good that he knows about your boyfriend. Now it’s in the open.

    About (making) friends… You wrote that you hang out with your boyfriend and his friends – is that correct? When I was your age (a bit younger perhaps) I started to contact people of my class. To go out, having drinks,… I got out of my comfort zone. At first, it’s uncomfortable. Later things went better.

    In your class, is there anyone? You can talk about class and gradually, if you like that person / persons, why don’t you spend more time with that person / them? I know, it’s hard, I’m timid too, but why won’t you give it a try?

    Riris

    October 2, 2018 at 1:54 pm #228681
    Katie
    Participant

    Riris,

    You gave me a good idea to hang out with a guy and a girl from my philosophy class. We are supposed to meet up tonight to work on our essays. I’m gonna try to get friendlier with them and maybe even become close enough to start hanging out regularly. They are the type of people who like to have fun and those are the types of people I want to be friends with.

    I have tried a couple of times to become friends with the girls on my floor but it hasn’t really worked. They are all nice but they have become close. I haven’t had many opportunities to see them. I think I have social anxiety. Today, while I was waiting in the lunch line I saw a girl from my floor and a guy from the floor below me who I know. When I saw them I said hi from across the way but they didn’t hear…. but then they did. I don’t know why but I felt so awkward when everyone in line saw me say hi and they didn’t hear. Well, they ended up coming over to me and I was acting all awkward and blushing. They could probably tell something was wrong with me… ugh I hate those moments. I don’t want to be seen as weird. And then now I am worried… am I going to ruin my reputation if I keep acting so nervous and blushing? We actually had a decently long conversation after the incident and I KNOW my face was red but I was talking normally.

    October 3, 2018 at 5:48 am #228773
    riris
    Participant

    Dear Katie

    I know the feeling you express by getting nervous. I had that too, until I was going to teach for a group of 20 students…! Btw, I survived.

    Everyone (and I mean really everyone) feels sometimes akward, nervous, gets red in the face, gets uncomfortable… Thing is, no-one tells you this. You are not weird. You’re dealing with insecurities in this moment of your life. And no, you’re not ruining your reputation. As you wrote, you had a decent conversation. That’s what counts.

    Riris

     

    October 3, 2018 at 5:51 am #228775
    riris
    Participant

    And good for you to become friends with the girl and the boy in your philosophy class! It’s good to have / to become friends on your own, and not friends attached to your boyfriend.

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