Feeling trapped in a marriage because of economics and/or kids is unfortunately all too common athena.

I have a strong opinion that the answer to a bad marriage is not running to another guy.

If you really are convinced that your marriage is over then take steps in leaving him.  Staying together for the sake of the children is not a great reason.

Your children learn by example.  What kind of example are you setting for them?  To be miserable in a bad marriage?  Not to be self sufficient? To be depressed?  To show your children that life is horrible?

Mark

Hi Athena,

As soon as the children are adults, I would leave. Is it financial? While they are all school aged, make your own money and have your own bank account if you haven’t yet. This will prepare you to walk out the door with confidence when the time comes. Make your life more and more independent from his with each passing year. You can live without sex. And when you do set yourself free, be free! You don’t have to settle for your old childhood friend. Or anyone!

Best,

Inky

Hi Athena,

I read your earlier post from 3 weeks ago. In it you said “i have always felt i married my soul mate and had a happy marriage although with some issues but with kids and all they were buried. Last week while meditating a feeling of unhappiness that i have never really experienced before overcame me. The reality of the state of my marriage flashed before my eyes. We have always been the poster happy couple. I feel i have been trapped and i want out.” You also indicated in that post that you are bisexual, and although you loved your husband when you married him, you were not sexually attracted to him or “in love” with him. You wrote that the two of you disagree on things such as which languages the kids should learn, whether or not to eat healthily, and how to manage your finances, but that you acknowledge that he’s a very caring father, adores you, and helps around the house.

I think I understand how unhappy you are, and if you didn’t have 3 young children, I’d say end the marriage today. But you do have 3 young children, and not so long ago (right?) you believed you had married your soulmate and that your marriage was a happy one, but now, after this “awakening”, you want out of the marriage. So let’s say you leave, take your 3 young girls with you to live elsewhere, and then have another meditation experience where you realized you did the wrong thing? It reads to me that your husband is not a bad guy and that he loves you and his kids. Raising three young children is not easy — I know, I’ve done it — and some days you may want to run away and escape back to your old carefree life, but you don’t do it. A lot of the issues that the two of you have are the same issues that many married couples raising children have and go to couples therapy for, but the bisexual thing….I just don’t know about that one. Is this what is driving your feelings about this marriage? In your latest post you mention this other guy from your past whom you rejected and now may have some regrets. I agree with anita in that you may want to explore what’s going on with you through quality psychotherapy before making any big decisions, because the decisions you make could profoundly affect your three young girls.

If a friend who was in this same situation came to you and asked for your advice, what would you tell her? I mean, as an objective observer looking at the situation from the outside, what questions would you ask her, and what advice would you give her?

Hang in there.

B