September 14, 2019 at 6:26 pm #312305
Hello everyone. I was with my ex fiancee for four years and we have recently split up. Initially i was elated and relieved. The negativity had vacated my home, where we lived together for 3 years. The fighting and arguing over seemingly nothing was gone. Although we shared the same space, I felt incredibly lonely. The relationship was riddled with problems.
Fast forward four months later and all I can think of are the good times and it makes me miss her terribly. The bad times dont seem so bad now, although I know in my heart of hearts, the relationship was doomed. I’m just a bit confused and wondering if anyone else here has experienced this and what are your thoughts about it?September 15, 2019 at 3:33 am #312339PeggyParticipant
Relationships are rarely black and white. Whilst you were living among all the negativity, that became your main focus but now you are no longer arguing and fighting, you are remembering some of the reasons why you were with her in the first place. This is what you are missing – the positive side of your relationship.
I hope you will be able to move on from this.
PeggySeptember 15, 2019 at 5:39 am #312353InkyParticipant
In the old days it made sense to stay with someone for survival. The tendancy of only remembering the good times is a carryover of that ancient proclivity.
What I have done (very unforgiving) was to write down each time the guy I was with would piss me off, say something insulting/condescending or do something bad. Then when I couldn’t remember the dam dailies he put me through anymore, I would resurrect the old list and be mad at him again.
Time to move forward!
InkySeptember 15, 2019 at 7:29 am #312363
“Initially I was elated and relieved. The negativity had vacated my home, where we lived together for 3 years. The fighting and arguing.. was gone”. She was gone which means you found yourself living alone and feeling lonely.
You felt relief because a troubled relationship was over and done with. But then you got lonely and that is a different kind of trouble.
Before you met your now ex fiancée, you lived alone and sometimes you imagined having a girlfriend and living with her, no longer living alone, correct? Fast forward, after she moved out, you again imagine having a girlfriend and living with her, only now you imagine your ex fiancée being that girlfriend.
If before you imagined a life with a woman you didn’t meet yet, making up the details from scratch, now you imagine a life with a woman you did meet, and you take details from that experience and make up an imaginary story “based on a true story”, that is, an imaginary story with some true details in it.
We are social animals. We are born to be with others. A movie I watched long ago, “Cast Away”, was about a man who found himself living all alone on an island. He found a soccer ball I think it was, painted a face on it and made it his friend, growing attached to that soccer ball. This is how strong our need is to be with someone, to connect to another.
anitaSeptember 15, 2019 at 8:16 am #312373
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you all for the feedback. What I have been doing lately is vocalizing some of the issues we had in our relationship to my few close friends, and my dad. Talking about the bad stuff so it stays in my conscious mind. To my friends we seemed perfect…pictures on Instagram and Facebook can be a bit misleading, but my dad saw us (in real life) often. He could tell I was miserable and he could sense some red flags that were going on with her and our relationship. Hes been a great source for reminding me that her absence is definitely for the best.</p>
I’m still fighting urges to call or text her…I actually blocked her number and social media accounts. Shes reached out to me lately wanting to drop something off she has of mine. She wants to come over…Its not really something I care about so I told her to toss it. Then her parents dog became lost in my neighborhood and she asked that I help try to find it…I ignored the call and voicemail. I did drive around and look for the poor animal though. Her contacting me really triggered some emotions within me…made it even more difficult not to reach out.
One more thing as this is getting quite long…sorry. We have broken up and reconciled before. When we got back together it was so wonderful. We were really going to work on things and I’m sure at the time we meant it, but one year later with ring on finger, everything went back to “normal” which means ignoring the 10 elephants in the livingroom… I’m assuming it would be the same if we reconciled yet again. I know it’s time to let go and move on, but oh man what a laborious task it can feel like at times…September 15, 2019 at 8:34 am #312377
When you broke up before and reconciled, “everything went back to ‘normal’ which means ignoring the 10 elephants in the living room”- here is an idea: what if you buy 10 inexpensive elephants, made of cardboard or plastic and place them in your living room… for as long as you need the reminder.
anitaSeptember 15, 2019 at 8:40 am #312379
Hey Anita! I think I like this idea.September 15, 2019 at 8:48 am #312383
What I have done since shes gone is return all of my Buddha decor back to where it was before she moved it to the spare bedroom out of sight…she didnt like my statues and prayer flags….my space is MINE once more!September 15, 2019 at 9:03 am #312389
I like you liking my idea. And good thing you have your space back. One more suggestion: when you start imagining the “based on a true story” love story that you had with her, that is, using positive or attractive details of the story that was (such as her looks, her voice, her acts), without the negative elements, make a switch- intentionally place another woman in her place, within your imagining.
It can be a movie star, a woman you saw in a magazine.
anitaSeptember 15, 2019 at 9:21 am #312393
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I will make an earnest attempt at this Anita, although right now it is difficult to even look at or think about ever being with another woman. Doesnt even feel possible at this point. We have only been apart for 4 months. But I dont know, should that be enough time for me to be over a 4 year serious relationship that had marriage on the horizon?</p>September 15, 2019 at 9:28 am #312395
Is 4 months enough time to be over a 4 year serious relationship, you asked. My answer: if you keep the relationship alive in your mind and heart, if you keep replaying the good parts as you have done, four months will not be enough, nor will four years or… four decades be enough.
Stop re-living parts of this relationship, see to it that she doesn’t contact you anymore (!) and you will make yourself available for a new relationship.
anitaSeptember 15, 2019 at 9:50 am #312399
The relationship was doomed, and marriage/children/mortgage was a horrible idea. She wasnt the right person for me and there is someone better for me out there…this is my new mantra.September 15, 2019 at 9:57 am #312405
A mantra true to reality is a good mantra to have. Stick to reality and stay away from fantasy is my advice. And do post here anytime you want to, I will be glad to read from you and reply every time you post.
anitaSeptember 15, 2019 at 10:20 am #312409
Thank you so much Anita for the solid and meaningful advice. I stumbled upon this site by accident (or was it?) and I’m really thankful that I did.
Many thanks and blessings to all who chimed in. It means a lot to me.
September 15, 2019 at 10:32 am #312415
- This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by LiamJames.
You are very welcome. I think you stumbled upon this site by accident, but now that you know about it, it will be no accident when you post again today or on any other day.