Dear Nia:

Welcome back! We communicated at length in your previous thread from Feb 24- Oct 1, 2020. I just read through our communication back then. If I have it right, you are married now for just over 10 years and have a 3-year-old child.

Today, you shared, best I understand, that Dona, your best friend from childhood, whose parents helped you and treated you well, recently ostracized you from the group of friends on social media because you didn’t visit her or her parents, in-person, for years (since Covid-19) even though you live in the same town.

“I feel not good of that.. because I think I was wrong because didn’t visit them… I am surprised she said bad thing on group about me… What should I do Anita..? Is that relationship makes conditions should be have a routine meet? Is that Dona have a toxic issues also?“- I am sorry that you were ostracized from the group of friends.

It is possible that Dona has toxic issues. Lots of people do. But I understand why she’d be troubled by the fact that you didn’t visit her, and particularly her parents (who were good to you) even though you live in the same town.

I wonder what bad things she said about you..?

“And is that problem on me? I think I have some isolation issues also and I’m introvert“-I wonder if you didn’t visit Dona or her parents because of some form of social anxiety (being nervous to be with people in-person), and on top of it, anxiety born during Covid-19, when being around people in-person was considered physically dangerous?

“And what should I do with her parents? I still feel guilty  because their kindness is really valuable for me. I don’t know either how to repay them..“- did her parents or Dona accuse you of not being grateful to them? What kind of communication have you had with her parents in the last few years and recently?

anita

Dear Tania:

You are very welcome, it is good to talk with you again!

You shared that Dona lost her husband to Covid, that she loves being in the company of others, and that your husband (of 5 years, not 10) doesn’t feel comfortable in her company because “she sometimes talks unpleasant things“.

“She said that I will show up if only there is a problem or issues“- I am confident (based on our previous communication) that it is not true that you didn’t visit her in the last few years because you didn’t have problems or issues, so her claim stated in this quote is untrue.

“and she writes down all of her effort to meet me. On the other side, I think she didn’t remember that I have (put in) effort too“- looks like she tried to portray you as the bad guy, and herself as the good guy, so to speak. It’s unfortunately common for people to do that. (I am confident that.. you are not the bad guy).

“this relationship become not really comfortable, I think“- I would feel very uncomfortable if I was in any kind of relationship where I was the bad guy. As a matter of fact, I was in such a relationship with my own mother, she presented herself to me, in no uncertain terms, as the good guy, and she presented me as the bad guy.. in no uncertain terms. It was very, VERY uncomfortable for me, to say the least.

I don’t know if what brought up right above is the reason, or part reason for your discomfort.

“my husband doesn’t comfortable with her“- this can be a part-reason for your discomfort, since what he thinks and  feels is very important to you.

In addition, I imagine that your attention is now focused on your husband and on your child, and you have little interest in life outside them. Back in Feb 26, 2020, you shared in regard to your husband (you were not yet a mother back then): “actually I live like live in his life.. My attention just for him… to get his attention (of course sometimes I care about him instead but most of time, I focus on his attention). I don’t  know why and I really hard to stop that. Indeed, I can just literally daydreaming (I mean not doing anything, just sit down then thinking about him or waiting for him to come to me). It’s really annoyed me actually.. I tried to do another thing, it’s not working. Like my mood is depend on him… Since I (am) too possessive/ obsessive of him, my world like gone. What I usually did when I was still single, it’s gone… It’s drive me crazy everyday.. I want to change“-

– this has not changed, has it?

“I want to visit her, but I can’t. I know this may seem like a reason I made (up), but I don’t know why, in my heart and thoughts, (it) is complicated… I think this become more emotionally and make me overthinking“-

– back on Feb 26, 2020, you asked me: “Do you have any suggestion how to decrease my paranoid/possessive thought..?… my mood is depend on him“-

– this is my understanding: your mother left you when you were a very young child, and later, your father passed away. Growing up alone and feeling so terribly alone was your “darkest time” (your words). Fast forward, you are married and you are afraid that he (your husband) will leave you too, and that you will again be alone in another darkest time. So, you focus on him, watching his every move, every expression, watching for any indication that he might leave you.

No wonder that in this hyper vigilant focus, you are not available for a social life outside your home. Is this the case, Tania?

anita