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I don't know if he really like me or not.

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  • #342554
    Candise
    Participant

    I don’t know if he really like me. So I’ve been talking to this guy through a messaging app for a while who kept asking me to date him. Now I have a tendency to push people away so I’ve made plenty of excuses as to why I couldn’t date him. He said that I can’t know for sure if things will work between us if I don’t give us a chance so I finally gave in and said I will hang out with him. Now this guy tend to talk about sex a lot and will ask me sexual questions sometimes. He even mentioned that he has a high sex drive. Before our date at a park, I asked him to not be too touchy with me and he agreed to not be.

    Now its the day of our meeting and we met at the park. He held my hand and we walked together while talking to find somewhere to sit. We talked to each other about our lives and what we like etc, but the conversation kept turning into sex just like when we’re texting each other. At one point I guess we must have ran out of things to talk about because he started kissing me on the cheek, then he stopped and started talking again, then he started doing it again, then moved over to my lips. We ended up making out and he asked if I was turned on by him, I told him no, because I had no intentions of having sex on our first date. We made out again and he suggested that we go back to his place, I told him no. We ended up moving to a more private area where we had another make out session. Now he must have been very horny because he mentioned wanting to have sex with me a few times. It was going way too far so I told him that we should end the date. When he was buying something for us to drink, he ended up pulling a condom out of his pocket while searching for money. Why would he have a condom on him if his intention wasn’t to get me in bed on our first date?

    Now this was last week Tuesday. A few hours after I got home he texted me asking if it was too much, I told him I felt it was too much. The next day he told me that he’s been dying to do more with me and if I felt the same, I told him that I don’t know. All our other few interactions from then on felt kinda dry with him just asking to see me then saying “ok” and disappearing whenever I turned down his request to come see him. On Friday my excuse was that I wasn’t feeling well and he said “get well soon” and was gone again.</p>

    This Monday morning he asked if I was gonna come see him today. I didn’t want to make more excuses so I confronted him and told him that even though I don’t mind that he enjoy sex a lot, I don’t want to be a booty call for anyone. He said that I wasn’t his booty call and that he really like me and its ok if I don’t want to have sex with him. I told him that I just don’t want to feel like I was only needed sexually. He said that I see him as a bad person when he’s not and that he felt like crap because of what was said. And I feel bad about it because I never thought that someone could actually like me a lot as a person when they seem to be more interested in sex. I’m very confused as to whether this guy actually like me or is just trying to get some sex. There are some more details that I think I should add later. I haven’t replied to his last messages that he sent several hours ago as yet.</p>

    Sorry for my bad grammar.

    • This topic was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by tinybuddha.
    • This topic was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by tinybuddha.
    #342646
    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Candise,

    I find his behavior very, very inappropriate, especially given that you asked him to not be touchy with you and he very much crossed that healthy boundary that you set.  If you’ll notice, his words and actions are not lining up (for example, he tells you he’s okay with not being too touchy and then tries very hard to sleep with you). I think this man is only after one thing, and if it were me, I would stop talking to him altogether. He does not respect you.

    I also would not feel bad about what you said to him or making him feel bad. He SHOULD feel bad. He needs to take a good look at how his actions very much contradict the things he says and be more honest.

    #342714
    Candise
    Participant

    Thank you very much for your response Valora. Sadly this is probably how most men from my country think you’re supposed to get close to a girl. There was a study done that found that a majority of girls were coerced into their first experience.

    I made a post a few years ago about my first and only experience using another email address that I will link here.https://tinybuddha.com/topic/is-he-using-me-or-am-i-just-over-thinking/

    #342786
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Candise:

    What he wants is to have sex, not just with you, but with whomever is available. If you don’t have sex with him and he keeps contacting you, keeps calling you, you may wonder: why does he keep calling me when I don’t have sex with him… maybe he really likes me!

    And if he is friendly with you when he contacts you,  saying he likes you, or that he misses you, and maybe he tries to make you feel guilty again, saying that you make him feel like crap-

    – you may get very confused, thinking that maybe he is the good-guy, loving you, and you are the bad-guy, rejecting him.

    But please pay attention: his strategy is most likely the same as many other men’s strategy: they have a list of women that they target; they multitask- contacting this girl, if it’s a go, they get together with her, if it is a no-go, they contact another girl, then another, depending on how many girls are on their list.

    In the very beginning he wanted to hang out with you, you  pushed him away, he insisted and you finally gave in to him (“I finally gave in and said I will hang out with him”). So the dynamic has been set:  you say no, or “to not be too touchy”, he cooperates for just a short while, but soon enough, he touches and tries to have sex with you.

    Let’s say you don’t have sex with him but he keeps calling you every few days, maybe every day, keeping the calls short. After a while you wonder: he must like me because he is not having sex with me and yet he keeps calling/ contacting me online.

    But not so- it doesn’t take much time and effort to make a call and keep it short (or even make it longer if he happens to have the time and no other girl available to him at the time). He is simply investing, it is like someone who puts two nickels every day in a casino gambling machine- if he doesn’t win, no big loss for him.

    How do I know that he only wants sex with you? He made it very clear right from the beginning. I suppose he knows that many girls/ young women (and even older women) are so starving for love, that they will see love eventually where it is not.

    anita

    * Edit: I made this post before your reply above showed up. I will click the link you provided and write to you again.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #342796
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Candise:

    May 2017 was when you posted the other thread: you received a friend request on Facebook from a guy you knew but never talked with before, you gave him your number, he sent you a message saying that he liked you for a while and asked you to “give him a chance”. He “expected an answer immediately. You said no, he said “we can be friends”, and you  “knew immediately he wasn’t gonna stop trying. He persisted, you eventually gave in, met him one night after 8 pm, he started hugging and touching you, you “tried to pull away… said no  so many times”, but he kept going. The day after he sent you a text saying he’s sorry, you told him it’s best you “stop seeing each other”, but he tried to get you to see him again, you “made excuses to not see him”, he “kept asking”, he even begged, and you finally gave in to him and had sex with him.

    My input: the two men you shared about sexually assaulted you, and if you said no on the night the first man had sex with you, then he raped you. Problem is that in some cultures, such as the middle east culture, sexual assaults and rapes are common. Men don’t think of themselves as rapists because they don’t hold a weapon and threaten the woman’s life. They don’t consider a woman’s “no!” as anything other than playing hard to get, or a meaningless word that all women say before they stop resisting.

    There needs to be educational programs in schools teaching girls and boys about this terrible practice that hurts so many girls, and which produces rude and cruel rapists out of boys.

    I am sorry that this has been your experience. I was born in a country myself where this was the culture, so I am very familiar with it, unfortunately.

    anita

    #342894
    Valora
    Participant

    Thank you very much for your response Valora. Sadly this is probably how most men from my country think you’re supposed to get close to a girl. There was a study done that found that a majority of girls were coerced into their first experience.

    I agree with what Anita said above. I am also so sorry that this has happened to you, especially what you described in the thread that you linked to. His behavior was not okay. Even if most men in your country behave this way, it still doesn’t make it acceptable or okay, and you do not have to accept it. No means no… and you should only have to say no ONE time, and they should stop immediately. Persistence past your “no” shows a lack of respect for you. Please do not accept a lack of respect. I think you should just stop talking to these men completely when they try to push you like this.

    #343040
    Candise
    Participant

    Thank you very much, Anita. You are most likely right about him having a list of women to contact but for some reason I thought I was the only person he was talking to. I remember in the beginning when we were talking about being introverted he mentioned that he has something inside of him that makes him want a woman company, time, body etc and whenever he doesn’t have that urge he’s usually at home. That should have been an indicator of whom he was I guess. He also said something about having a constant need for affection.

    We’ve never had a phone call before, just texting through WhatsApp messenger. I also think I might have unintentionally led him on to think that casual sex was ok with me. “I have feelings for you but you said you don’t want to be attached to someone like that but I want to spend more time with you”. Was one of the messages I received from him after the confrontation. On the day of our “date” I also told him that I’ll let him know when I’m ready to have sex (I didn’t know what else to say to get it to stop) and that was his excuse as to why he kept asking for sex.

    I never thought that my last experience was a sexual assault. Maybe I should just stay away from men if this is how they are going to treat me.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by Candise.
    #343044
    Candise
    Participant

    Thanks again, Valora. In his last message from almost two days ago he said he forgave me for what I said and if I would like to try, we could. I’m not sure what that means but I was planning on not replying to him.

    #343046
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Candise:

    I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #343058
    Candise
    Participant

    Thank you. I look forward to your response.

    #343124
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Candise:

    You are welcome.

    “He also said something about having a constant need for affection”- I suggested to you earlier that a culture that encourages men to use women for sex, pressuring and dishonestly manipulating women to have sex, ignoring her “no”, is a culture that “produces rude and cruel rapists out of boys”.

    You know how in cartoons, the evil creature, or the bad guy always looks bad and always sounds bad? In real life a bad guy doesn’t always look and sound bad. In this context we are discussing, the rapist sometimes looks and sounds like a nice guy, and sometimes genuinely so, because the boy is still in the rapist: the rapist will rape you (proceed to have sex with you even though you said “no”), but once in a while you will see the boy in him. He will express some affection for you, or you will see that he needs affection, not just sex. But outside of those boyish moments, he is a rapist.

    Some people think of rapists as men who use physical weapons or their physical body strength to hold a woman down or threaten her life, but for many rapists it is not necessary for them to use physical weapons and body strength when they can accomplish the same result (sex) using psychological weapons (lies, false promises, guilt-tripping and confusing the intended victim, repeated pressure). With a bit more time, they get what they want without appearing violent or bad.

    You quoted something he told you: “I have feelings for you..” I don’t care to continue to read the quote because it started with a lie. When someone lies, no point in listening/ reading further.

    “On the day of our ‘date’ I also told him that I’ll let him know when I’m ready to have sex (I didn’t know what else to say to get it to stop) and that was his excuse as to why he kept asking for sex”-

    – you were under pressure from this rapist. You were also lonely and in need of attention and affection, so you were.. kind of negotiating with the rapist. He then did what rapists do and used whatever you say against you so to have sex with you.

    “Maybe I should just stay away from men”- stay away from men who talk to you about sex before the first date (“this guy tend to talk about sex a lot..”). In addition, when a man shows interest in you, make it very clear to the man that for the first month of dating, you will not talk about sex or have any kind of physical contact with him. One month is not a long time,  but it will give you the opportunity you need to check the man’s intentions. If after you tell the man about this one month requirement, he agrees, but chooses to talk about sex- then end contact with him. If he tries to touch you- end contact with you. If he doesn’t ask you to go on dates/ get together during the first month (figuring he will fast forward to the second month)- end contact with him.

    But if the man respects your requirement, spends time with you while not mentioning sex at all and not touching you at all- this may be the beginning of a love relationship. Instead of talking about sex and trying to have sex with you, he will be getting to know you as a person (your thoughts, hopes, dreams, feelings) , and you will get to know him as a person.

    anita

    #344130
    Candise
    Participant

    Thanks again, Anita. I really appreciate your advice but I find it so difficult to believe that a lot of guys would respect me like that. I’ve only ever felt loved and respected once by a guy who lived overseas that I did not even get the chance to meet. That was in my early 20’s and I’ll be approaching late 20’s soon.

    I also have another concern that has to do with my personality but I’ll write about it in a different post soon.

     

    #344132
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Candise:

    You are welcome. “I find it so difficult to believe that a lot of guys would respect me like that”- you need only one. There has to be one in your area of the world. It just occurred to me that at this time of required social distancing, it is a matter of life or death for a guy to force himself on a woman.. maybe that will keep some guys from pressuring women to have sex with them.

    To find that one local man who will respect you, assert yourself with the man early on. Tell him what it is that he needs to know. Don’t negotiate with the man, don’t give him a little of what he wants, hoping that he will  be content with that and not pressure you for more. Don’t give up anything. A man worthy of you is a man who will respect what you tell him.

    I am looking forward to your next post  about your other concern.

    anita

    #344502
    Cooper
    Participant

    Candise,

    The guy is a tool.  Block his number and cut off all communication.  A quality man would not try to guilt you into sex or push you beyond your boundaries.  There are good guys out there, so don’t give up.  Sex on a first date, though, rarely leads to a solid relationship.

     

     

    #345428
    Candise
    Participant

    Cooper,

    Thanks for your advice. That guy hasn’t contacted me in almost two weeks which means he probably already gave up. We will be attending the same educational institution in September so I might run into him from time to time.

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