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January 19, 2018 at 4:01 pm #187693
Ann – MarieParticipantHi Tiny Buddha community,
I love this website I’m addicted. Im writing because I need some friendly advice. First of all I come from an emotionally abusive background where I was screamed at and called names endlessly for hours upon hours every single day which destroyed my self esteem. I try to keep everything in order all the time and am unfortunately very serious. I think it may have happened over the years from my environment but I don’t know how to change it. I believe I have a mixture of an inferiority complex and social anxiety. In social settings I immediately tense up and go into panic mode, I put this down to my mind going to panic mode of being put not the spot for no reason and getting interrogated. I get really flushed for no reason and can’t focus sometime I may even mid conversation have to leave to cool down because the topic made me freak out for no reason. I hate it, Its just so embarrassing.
I have been on a personal developmental journey for over two years now and in that time I have made some serious changes in my life. I used to be a great person for getting the party started and keeping it going. Then one day something clicked and I just knew it is not who I was. Actually, if I’m honest I always knew it was not who I was but getting drunk made socialising easier for me I suppose and it was so much easier to be accepted and fit in. Partying is a great way to meet people that you will most definitely see very rarely but when you are doing it, you think everyone is great pals, except for the reality that, you only see the party people at party time. In the process of changing I have I have completely got rid of people who were not really there to begin with. Like, all the seasonal people who were never really there to begin with. They were convenient but would I call them in a crisis no in a million years they wouldn’t help anyway.
In the process of change, I have become more of the person I believe I am but don’t think I fully understand myself yet. Honestly, life scares the crap out of me. Im not great with people I get really nervous in new situations and if I get called upon to speak out I completely freak out even with all of the stuff I’m practising, I don’t get it !!! I hate crowded places, going shopping, being around people too long.
Im very happy in my own company doing my own things these days but I would also like to meet new people but I’m so scared because of the way i behave in social setting now I avoid them. I always feel like people are disinterested in what I am saying or that I’m going to say something stupid or go red for no reason. I know its down to me but even thought I know all of this stuff it still keeps happening.
Im not feeling sorry for myself, I just want to know am I the only person in the world who spends the majority of their time by themselves after the personal development discovery?
Not looking for anything other than some friendly advice or reassurance I’m not the only one in the world who has or is experience this kind of feeling.
January 20, 2018 at 4:31 am #187719
AnonymousGuestDear Ann-Marie:
I read both your new threads. You wrote that you are “Not looking for anything other than some friendly advice or reassurance (you’re) not the only one in the world who has or is experiencing this kind of feeling”. By those feelings you refer to feeling fearful in social settings, not fearful spending time alone, but still wishing to socialize, correct?
My reassurance to you: no, you are not the only one. Like you, I was also “screamed at and called names endlessly for hours” as a child. It scared me then and that fear stayed with me, so I too feared people and preferred to be alone. I still longed for people, to be around people, wanted to, but was scared at the same time.
My friendly advice to you: quality psychotherapy so that you will be guided and helped to not be overwhelmed (or embarrassed) by your understandable fear of people, and have the relationships you long for.
anita
January 20, 2018 at 11:18 am #187757
BuddiParticipantYou are one of the lucky people I think who is comfortable spending time alone. Alot of people out there cannot do this. So first off no you are alone secondly if you want to let people into your life then start small hang out with people at work. Or ping your school friends to catch up on old times or join a book club.
You do not have to say something to be interesting sometimes just listening helps. Make sure you let quality people into your life this helps coz not everyone has your best interest. Socializing is like any skill it takes time to get comfortable and don’t be in a hurry you will get there.
Be positive and please be open to new ideas.
January 20, 2018 at 9:52 pm #187795
Soul-searcherParticipantThis sounds a lot like me, not feeling comfortable in being around people for too long, crowded places etc.. but i as a child have never been screamed at, my mum very rarely shouted at me. I am so sorry that you two had to endure that as children. I as a child have always liked being alone and enjoyed my company very much as a child, i had friends but from the age of 6 to about 10 id be out in the garden, picking flowers or looking for new flowers, and just spending time with nature. Once i got into high school it was different, i had many friends and was always going to parties etc.. but then slowly slowly as i have gotten older ive become some what like an introvert.
Buddi i like your positivity 🙂 Letting quality people in our lives is so important, i realised at how toxic my friends were when my father died, i saw who was there for me and i mean truly there for me. This still goes on to this day, i can count my true friends on one hand. Quality over Quantity as they say 🙂
January 21, 2018 at 1:40 pm #187949
LyssannParticipantHi Ann – Marie,
I certainly relate a lot to what you have written. My upbringing was in an abusive home. I have had some relationships that also were abusive and I am very awkward socially sometimes, but not always. Yet it is sometimes enough for me to shy away from trying new things.
In the process of change, I have become more of the person I believe I am but don’t think I fully understand myself yet. Honestly, life scares the crap out of me. Im not great with people I get really nervous in new situations and if I get called upon to speak out I completely freak out even with all of the stuff I’m practising, I don’t get it !!! I hate crowded places, going shopping, being around people too long.
I also shy from crowds, shopping, and experiences where I will have sensory overload. I imagine many with PTSD feel similarly.
So idk what will work for you but I had a therapist (2yrs ago or so) suggest we simply talk about what feared me. Then he talked about what I may want to do socially. I wanted to join a book club. So he asked if I felt ok just visiting the location of it, but not joining or anything, just visit. So his point was, baby steps of what was within my comfort zone. Well, I thought his approach was good but I ended up not signing up for a book club, but have found my own way to be more social.
So I signed up for online dating but with the specific intention of “making friends only.” So I literally was very clear with anyone who I chatted with that I am not interested in more, just really am shy and am trying to simply practice pre dating skills of hanging out and enjoying myself. I met and hung out with a few people, had fun.
idk why but I found this method preferable to me than the group meetups. I was intimidated by meeting up with a group. I found talking one on one easier. It certainly gave me a whole lot of practice in my social skills and helped me learn what is ok for me and not. Idk though, many folks may find this risky or not appealing to them.
I’m curious to hear other ideas as I am now wanting to make female friends but the online dating friend making method seems not ok for this, lol!
January 21, 2018 at 1:44 pm #187951LyssannParticipantOh, I thought of something else I have been meaning to try…
looking for volunteer opportunities. Yet, I still havent managed to attend one that interests me.
ok, well, maybe you just are ok not socializing too… More looking for reassurance that that is ok as well?
I wasn’t sure. Imo, either way is ok if you are ok with it right?
January 25, 2018 at 1:06 pm #189017
MarkParticipantAnn-Marie,
I have taken Myers-Briggs personality test and what I got of it is to know that I am not alone in some of the qualities and characteristics that I have. I am an INFJ by the way.
You might want to check out the book “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain. She has a terrific Ted Talk you can find on YouTube. Reading this really helped validate my introversion.
I find that I don’t like small talk but rather deep, meaningful conversations. That is a characteristic of my Myers-Briggs type and Susan goes into that in her book. So I know that there are some people are those who can relate to me and others find it hard to do so and visa versa. The key is just to be yourself and be ok with those people who cannot relate to you.
Let us know how it goes,
MarkFebruary 5, 2018 at 1:24 pm #190905Ann – MarieParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks for the friendly advice much appreciated.
I know there are a lot of people in the world with similarities because we were unfortunately born to a very dysfunctional era of any kind of abuse been keep secret or everyone just minded their own business, even when they knew it was very wrong. It was just the norm back then.
But I am slowly beginning to get through the process of fully forgiving it as the person didn’t know any better. They just did, what was done to them. Doesn’t make it ok, but makes it easier to understand and, forgive.
Everyone around the person has woken up and they just can’t forgive themselves for all the wrong they did. Even though everyone one else has, it is a very sad thing to watch but we all have to change ourselves, I know 🙂
I have been working through a lot of it myself to date and I’m sure you are well aware as you had a similar background when you wake up, its pretty hard for a while to process it all. Especially, what you though was acceptable to realise it was totally unacceptable.
I am going to get some therapy at the mo I’m still bucking up the courage to tell someone my weird s**t. 🙂
Thanx for the friendly advice
February 5, 2018 at 1:30 pm #190909Ann – MarieParticipantHi Buddi,
Yes, that is very true, a lot of people need people I’m glad to day I don’t so I suppose it is kind a blessing. Im very happy in my own company but like company now and again.
The book club sounds like a good idea. I’ve never thought of joining a book club before, maybe I will look one up and hopefully there will be one near me.
Thanks 🙂
February 5, 2018 at 1:42 pm #190911Ann – MarieParticipantHi Alexandra,
I can also remember as a child I did liked my own company.
I was like you but as I became a teenager I became a very self – destructive mess which lasted into my late 20’s. I literally did anything for attention and to fit in. I think i just didn’t know who I was back then as I was always trying to get the attention I didn’t get at home or something. I too had lots of friend but now looking back all the wrong kinds.
I think I’m just beginning to really get to know the real me.
Thanx
Oh, this part for buddi I forgot to write it. That part you said about letting the right people in. I know, it is so important because all it takes is one bad hit to knock you right back down the ladder.
Thanx
February 5, 2018 at 2:05 pm #190913Ann – MarieParticipantHi Lyssann,
Yes, my upbringing was pretty dysfunctional and abusive, also. I have recently got myself caught up in what seemed to be a perfect start to a relstionship for it to only do a 190 and be the totally opposite. I got so angry at myself for falling for such crap, so quickly, on the plus side, I noticed it really quickly and said goodbye. Would I have done this a few years ago, nooooooooo. So something I’m doing is working 🙂
I was never great at romantic relationships to be honest but for now I’m only going to focus on myself until I figure out who I am and then I will know exactly what is ok for me.
I have heard of Complex PTSD which is usually the effects of childhood trauma and I have looked into it a fair bit. I have some of the signs. One of the worst things that happens to me when I’m around too many people or crowded places is, my fight or flight goes off and its like I assume I’m in serious danger. I get really hot and totally panic it’s embarrassing and then my mind starts to tell me of all the reasons why people around me don’t like me, its awful. I think this is because I was around a lot of nasty judemental people growing up and its kind of stuck with me. I just need to wrk on it.
I have recently joined Yoga which I really like and the people in the class are lovely and it is only a small class, good for me. There are many ways to socialise I just have to find what is comfortable for me, at the moment not a lot but ill get there 🙂 But your right if I’m comfortable with me thats ok and the same goes for you 🙂
Thanx
February 5, 2018 at 2:14 pm #190915Ann – MarieParticipantHi Mark,
Took your advice bought the book just waiting for it to arrive 🙂
I can totally relate to what you said about small talk I absolutely hate it. For me, its awkward and messy it’s exactly what can make people say the wrong things and come across as someone they are not, just for the sake of it. It can ruin first impressions but thats just my opinion.
I’m a very deep and meaningful person which can come across weird to people who are not. I love deep subjects like psychology, philosophy, etc and for people who don’t get them they defiantly look at you like there is something seriously wrong with you. Anyway, I believe I’m an introvert and I’m really looking forward to the book.
Thanx 🙂
February 6, 2018 at 6:13 am #191001AnonymousGuestDear Ann-Marie:
You are welcome. I didn’t understand this sentence in your reply to me: “Everyone around the person has woken up and they just can’t forgive themselves for all the wrong they did. Even though everyone else has, it is a very sad thing to watch but we all have to change ourselves”- who is the person, they, everyone else? If you can elaborate on this sentence otherwise, I will appreciate it.
anita
February 6, 2018 at 8:28 am #191041MarkParticipantYou are welcome Ann-Marie. Great about you being in yoga. I am not a practitioner but I understand it not only helps you physically but also emotionally sometimes. When people move into and hold those poses, it unlocks muscle memory of held emotions. Sounds like good healing all around.
Keep us up-to-date on how things go for you.
Mark
February 15, 2018 at 3:34 pm #192751Ann – MarieParticipantHi Anita,
Sorry, let me explain what I meant to say a bit better.
My father, the person who put me through such an awful childhood is the person I am referring to as the person who cannot forgive themselves or move forward. I can now see, with all of the personal development I have been doing just how deeply traumatised he must have been to treat me, my brothers and sisters the way he did.
In the end we all woke up wasn’t a nice experience as there was a lot of stuff that needed to surface, but, we did thankfully, So, instead of staying asleep and becoming the next dysfunctional generation, me and my siblings changed.
He, however, still lives in lala land and denies the fact that there is any fault on his end for everything he did to me and my siblings, the emotional abuse caused by his parenting has caused us all a lot of problems in life. Hence my initial reason for posting I don’t function very well around people at all, I freak out. Example, yesterday I was in a shopping centre I couldn’t function, its like I try to act so normal, I make it ten worse. I complete tense up, become really serious and I’m scared just incase I do or say the wrong thing. Im working on it I just hope I can change it.
Hope that explains it better 🙂
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