I don't know what to do

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This topic has 25 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 2 months ago by Amelia.

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September 14, 2020 at 5:48 am #366686

Amelia
Participant

Dear Rose and Anita.

I know this is stupid, but finally I help him. I feel pity for him. I know his family have hard character and very obstinate. He also obstinate sometimes. Today I decided not to help him and contact him in the future. I remember the last fight. The trigger of my anger is actually this same situation. He was cranky and had bad mood, he replied the text only with short messages on long period. His text got longer or I got replied faster when he asked or when I respond about his requests. I feel like I am a door mat. That’s when I vent my anger to him, but he get mad back at me. When I apologized, he said that it was hard for him to forgive me. That’s when I decided to break up with him. Now I realized that he doesn’t love me as much as I do.

hopefully I can get over him quickly

Thanks so much for your encouragement.

September 14, 2020 at 7:12 am #366692

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Amelia:

You are welcome.

“I feel pity for him”- feel (pity or) empathy for yourself first.

Like I suggested to you earlier, a pattern of behavior has been established in this past relationship (when you assert yourself with him):

He gets stressed out at work/ with his family-> he gets angry at you and uses you like a punching bag -> you assert yourself -> he gets even angrier at you -> you apologize to him-> he doesn’t forgive you -> you apologize again and again -> he finally forgives you.

With this pattern, he punishes you for asserting yourself, as if it is a sin to assert oneself, one that needs forgiveness. Over time, within this pattern, it is easier to not assert yourself and remain a doormat and a punching bag for him.

“Now I realized that he doesn’t love me as much as I do”- he loves you perhaps in the ways a man loves a punching bag and a doormat. His love is conditioned on you being these things.

I am glad that you broke up with him and decided to no longer help him and not be in contact with him anymore.

anita

September 18, 2020 at 2:14 pm #366943

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Amelia:

How are you??

anita

September 20, 2020 at 5:24 am #366966

Amelia
Participant

Dear Anita,

I feel mix feeling.

I feel depressed couples day ago. There were also problems at work and it was a bit hard to go outside because of the pandemic. I feel that nothing works in my life. I also feel angry to him and his family. I talked to my mom a lot, thankfully she always listens to my problems. I feel a little bit better today

September 20, 2020 at 12:14 pm #366979

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Amelia:

I am glad to receive your reply, and good to read that you are feeling a bit better today, hopefully you still do (it is now more than six hours following your reply, and it may be night time for you).

Feelings don’t stay the same, they keep changing, so on any one day you will feel better, and then worse, and then better again.

“I feel that nothing works in my life”- some things work in your life, and ending this relationship is one of those things that work for you, not against you. Congratulate yourself to break up with him and prevent yourself from experiencing future misery with him. Any time you doubt that you made the correct choice, re-read your own thread. You are welcome to post again, here or in a new thread, anytime, and I wish you well.

anita

September 23, 2020 at 5:12 am #367111

Amelia
Participant

Dear Anita. I just want to share my feeling. We break up because his family doesn’t approve me. They said because we have different background (ethnicity and religion). I feel very hurt by that, this is the first time I have been rejected by racist reason (I feel that way, I don’t know if it count as racist or not). They don’t know anything about me nor even ask my plan about the future whether I could compromise with them. It really make me upset. I did meet his mother and she never talk about that issues and seemed welcome me. I feel betrayed by all this situation. Especially when I tried so hard to make the relationship working by do everything that he asked even swallow my ego to be angry. I know it’s over now, and it could be the best decision. My friends also said it hard to continue with his and his family character. I just want to ranting my feeling here. I talk a lot with my friends, they will possibly bored with my ranting.

Thanks again

September 23, 2020 at 6:37 am #367126

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Amelia:

You are welcome to express your feelings here anytime.

You shared that his parents knew nothing about you, didn’t ask about your plans for the future, didn’t give you the opportunity to compromise with them. Well, you can’t compromise what you cannot change, which is your ethnicity or race. Neither should you compromise these things if you could.

“I feel betrayed by this whole situation”- I understand.

Make sure you limit your people-pleasing behaviors with people so that you don’t betray yourself. You have the personal responsibility to promote your best self-interest, which is to not get involved with people who consider your ethnicity as inferior or undesirable, as well as to be assertive: to state what you need and see to it that what you need is attended to.

If you want to vent again, but you don’t want me to respond with any advice, please let me know (that will be you asserting yourself), and I will accommodate you.

anita

September 23, 2020 at 7:06 am #367127

Amelia
Participant

Dear Anita, thanks for your response. I don’t mind getting advice. It is okay.

September 23, 2020 at 7:39 am #367130

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Amelia:

You are welcome. I will be glad to read and reply to every one of your posts with my thoughts and advice. Anytime you want to express yourself, please do. You can type whatever comes to your mind, doesn’t have to make sense.. doesn’t have to be anything other than what you think and feel at the moment.

anita

October 1, 2020 at 5:01 am #367443

Maria
Participant

Hello Amelia,

Reading your post, I feel that you might not be ready to get married YET. Don’t take it as an offense.

You excuse yourself to him when you definitely haven’t done anything wrong. You put so much effort into making his life better and you don’t seem to do it genuinely but for him to accept you. It seems like you’re constantly trying to “sell” yourself to him.

You doubt yourself, wondering if you’re doing something wrong, either to him or his family, when you don’t. You seem to lack self-confidence and awareness of your worth. You said yourself that you don’t know how to put boundaries. Girl, you need to take this time to work on yourself. Build yourself and elevate yourself, become a strong person. Otherwise you’ll continue attracting people who will take advantage of you. The next person you’ll meet will be exactly the same if you don’t change yourself. You deserve better, you’re not a bad person nor do you want to spend a lifetime asking yourself if you’re doing something wrong and feeling like a disappointment. You have a JOB! You’re financially independent, image if you weren’t, what would be of you with this type of man? Get out of there as soon as possible, block him and create a safe place for yourself. Go see a therapist, work yourself and you’ll naturally attract a good and nice person. If you don’t, then make a life you’ll enjoy (I say this myself but I fear ending up alone, however alone is better than abused).

You said “a chance for me to get married” and that you’ll have to live in your in-laws, I think I can guess from which part of the world you belong. My culture has some similarities. It’s a chance to get married here too, a blessing, my friends are all married with some exceptions, they are 24 years old. I am 26 and got abandoned by my fiancé, we were supposed to get married this month. You can imagine how I feel at my age. One my my life goals being to have a family and kids.

From someone who understands, get out of there. Be a people pleaser but to yourself, say yes to you and no to him or anyone like him.

Tinynini

October 1, 2020 at 6:27 am #367444

Amelia
Participant

Dear Maria, I just read your comment your post about broken engagement (which I will be posting on it later).

I admit, because our different such as religion, race and also age (I am 32, six years older than him) made me feel inferior. I was trying so hard to fit in, so the family could accept me. I know his family is also kind abused him and he reflected that on me. He said that he could not make any mistakes in his family. His mother and brother sometimes used harsh word on him, even though it’s in front of stranger. The inferiority in me and also I pity him sometimes made me do all that. I could actually judge him being an egocentric person, his environment made that. He chose not to get out from there and won’t fight for me which meant it won’t work. It is hurt to be rejected, especially with unreasonable reason such as race and religion. It feels like there are something wrong with me. I even have thought to making a revenge, but my mom told me that it is no use. With their behavior, other people will judge them. No use to prove your self to them, said my mom. I know the stigma not getting married in my country makes my expectation. I watched many motivational speech in youtube, that this rejection could be a protection. Protection from toxic environment. I know this is already ended, but the pain, sadness and angry still linger. I also still afraid and anxious being alone. It is complicated, I miss the time when I was with him, but I remember how he and his family treat me, after that I got angry again with them then I was frustrated because I want to moving on but still haven’t. It’s like a cycle in a day. Now, I try to distract it with new activity, which is planning open a new small business with my friends also my main work is also getting busier. Even though, I still on blank state sometimes, but interacting with other people does help. I am trying to reaching back my old self. When I was alone, but still enjoy it.
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