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I don’t understand

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  • March 8, 2018 at 8:22 am #196359
    Unicornmeadows
    Participant

    My boyfriend and I had a great relationship for ten months when he broke up with me suddenly six weeks ago. We were serious, and he said and did many things that indicated that he thought about me in his future. I was unprepared for it for the breakup, and there wasn’t even anything wrong in our relationship. He said he didn’t want to be in a long term committed relationship and that he needed to focus on other things in his life. I was, and am, heartbroken.

    As we continued to talk he reiterated that it wasn’t me. He just didn’t want the responsibility of a relationship right now. If we would start arguing about the breakup he would say I wasn’t hearing him and understanding him which was another reason that we had to breakup. The messages have been inconsistent. He wanted to remain friends, and we have tried, but it’s been very hard for me. I still love him and most of our interactions end with me in tears or an argument because I am still so angry with him for what he did.

    I don’t understand how he could tell me how much he loved me one day and then just decide I wasn’t worth a relationship the next. That thought is so hurtful. Part of me hates him for this, and part of me wants to hold out hope that he will be back. I know he loves me but is pushing me away right now.

    Does anyone have any advice on how to recover? I obviously want him back, but I would settle for figuring out how to feel less confused and hurt and angry.

    March 8, 2018 at 8:53 am #196363
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Unicornmeadows:

    I would like to attempt to help you understand what happened, the reason for the breakup. For this purpose I have a question, following it, if you reply to me, I will probably have more questions.

    You wrote that after the breakup you argued with him. Can you give me an example of such argument, what you said, what he said, what you said, and so on?

    anita

    March 8, 2018 at 10:04 am #196365
    Unicornmeadows
    Participant

    Thank you.

    Our only arguments were related to why we were breaking up. I understood that he had a lot going on with his life (family), but we got along well. We didn’t have issues together. He couldn’t cite any reason for the breakup other than he simply didn’t want the responsibility of a relationship. I didn’t understand this. We were in love and happy, and it made no sense to end things. His decision seemed so selfish to me. He would get frustrated because I couldn’t just accept it. I would get upset because I was hurt and confused. Those were the arguments…literally all about not being together.

    March 8, 2018 at 10:42 am #196373
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Unicornmeadows:

    The reason I asked for a he said/ she said account of the post breakup argument is to see how the two of you deal with anger. It would tell me probably how the two of you dealt with anger before the breakup.

    When all goes well in a relationship, well… all goes well. It is when conflicts arise that the challenge exists.

    You wrote that the two of you were “in love and happy”- maybe he wasn’t, not for a while. Likely, he wasn’t and that is why he broke up with you. But he didn’t tell you his reason, other than the general, non-confrontational one that he gave you. Maybe he didn’t tell you the reason because he is afraid of fighting.

    If he is, it does not mean necessarily that he has a valid reason to be scared of confronting you personally. What it means that he is afraid to confront, to deal with another person’ anger, and/or his own.

    Did you notice this about him before the breakup, during the relationship, that he compromised his honesty sharing with you (or with other people in other types of relationships) so to avoid conflict?

    anita

    March 8, 2018 at 10:43 am #196375
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Unicornmeadows

    Love and understanding….  Sometimes I wonder if love and understanding can exist together in the same moment of time. Perhaps not.

    After a painful breakup the question that reverberated within my head – What’s love got to do with it?  Everything? Nothing? Both?

    It seems to me that some relationships without Love often lasted longer then they should while relationships where Love was present and real ended to soon.  Love its seems did not always guarantee that a relationship would last and in some cases, Love may have required that relationship end.  Then from a different perspective, if one cared to travel that path, the realisation that All of it is Love…. So, we have thousand and thousand of books, songs, moves, poems… all trying to understand This thing called Love.

    I know that none of the above is likely to help… I do not believe your ex-boyfriend is lying when he said he loves you but that life is pulling him away.  Life demands growth and it’s a bitter/sweet truth that sometimes its the end of a relationship that is the push we receive.

    Time does not heal though it allows our attachment to the memory to fade so that we might move forward with what we have learned.  Bitter/Sweet.

    How to Love More and Hurt Less in Relationships

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Peter.
    March 8, 2018 at 1:41 pm #196389
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Unicornmeadows,

    What happened in your relationship doesn’t make sense, and I understand how confused, disappointed and hurt you are. I would be too, definitely. Relationships are risky though. All of them are — friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships, etc. You never know at what point feelings will change in each relationship. In the past I have ended romantic relationships with others because my feelings changed (have you ever?), and this didn’t always make sense to the person I ended the relationship with. What I remember more clearly, though, are those times when others have ended relationships with me, which was brutal for me. I would get some lame excuse like “I don’t want to be in a relationship right now”, “I’m too busy for a relationship, blah, blah, blah”, etc. I would then beat myself up, ask myself “What did I do wrong??” Maybe I did do something wrong, or maybe I didn’t. I don’t know. But someone else’s romantic feelings toward me changed, and I had to accept it, although, trust me, I did whatever I could to try to figure it out logically. Sometimes it’s just not logical, though. It may have nothing to do with either person’s behavior in the relationship, e.g., if there was arguing going on in the relationship, etc. It may just be a feeling a person gets one day that tells him or her that the relationship isn’t what they want, even though the day before they thought it was what they wanted. And it may have nothing at all to do with you; it may have to do with the way he was raised, or his past experiences in relationships, or maybe he met someone who he feels is a better partner for him — this has happened to me btw, and yes, it’s awful. Some people choose not to enter relationships at all because they don’t want to experience hurt like this, because face it, most romantic relationships don’t work out in the long run, and someone often gets hurt. In spite of how difficult this is for you, I’m glad it happened 10 months in, instead of 10 years. Don’t remain friends with him — not because he’s a bad guy or anything but because it will be more difficult for you to get over him.  Take care of yourself, exercise, eat right, do things you love doing. Get out of your head. Get up, dust yourself off, and get back out there. You’ll get through this. You’ll be ok.

    B

    March 8, 2018 at 5:22 pm #196399
    Mark
    Participant

    https://www.bustle.com/articles/178263-why-do-so-many-couples-break-up-after-a-year-or-two-9-experts-weigh-in

     

    https://hackspirit.com/8-brutal-reasons-couples-break-1-2-year-mark-according-relationship-experts/

    March 9, 2018 at 5:18 am #196471
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Unicornmeadows,

    Dollars to donuts he WILL come back into your life one day. One day when his family issues, or whatever issues he has in his life is resolved (or resolved enough for him to be bored with it) he will think of you. You will probably be happily married with two kids and a white picket fence complete with a dog. A Labradoodle, to be precise.

    You will answer the space-age communication system (or whatever we’ll have five to ten years in the future) and be surprised and only mildly curious that it’s him.

    He will be insultingly surprised that you have clearly and successfully moved on. That you haven’t been pining for him all these years after all, that you weren’t eagerly anticipating his space-call.

    Well, that’s the way it happened to me. (Only I just had email and a beagle).

    Best,

    Inky

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