Hi Charlotte,

This may not be what’s happening AT ALL, but here is a shot in the dark…

Is it possible that:

1. In the rare instance when you’ve had that “I’m falling in love” feeling. That “I have a crush” feeling. That you don’t often pursue it? Or when you had you came to grief?

2. In the meantime, really, really nice guys would ask you out and you would go out with them at first out of politeness?

3. Do you have that “Who do you think you are?” feeling/thought when you want to say “No thank you” to going out/being with someone?

4. I can see feeling guilty for not wanting to be with someone. But shame is from your deep past or childhood. Someone or something did a number on you. What was it? Ferret out what that “thing” was. Knowing is half the battle.

5. Hypnotherapy can help with dealing with shame. Or the “Tapping Technique” (google it).

Best,

Inky

Charlotte,

You have an amazing amount of courage just to reach out and ask for help. I commend you for that. I actually came across this post by accident as I was searching for wisdom after a breakup of my own. I could really relate to your story. Thank you for being so open with it.
I wanted to share some thoughts for you.

I want to point out a couple of things first: First, You are an amazing person and I can tell this through the authenticity and openness of this post. Secondly, do you have any idea how much courage it takes to end a relationship and really close the door as you have done because you know it won’t serve you over the long term? It takes even more courage to end one that is meeting even some of your needs! So congratulations and I’m really proud of you.

It is totally normal to feel the way you do about ending the relationship and even about how things ended and about giving yourself to someone who you weren’t really in love with or wanted long term. I have been there myself.

Charlotte, we do everything for a reason. EVERYTHING. And all the stuff we do is serving one or more of our needs at some level. This is why it is hard to let go of something that you know isn’t good for you long term. The reason is because that action is serving some of your needs at a some level. Does that make sense? Sleeping with someone, while we might know that it isn’t what we want long term, is done all the time by people because it serves the need for connection and perhaps the certainty that we can be with someone and feeling of being wanted and desired which makes us feel significant. These are all essential needs which need to be fulfilled right?!?! We all have the need to feel loved, connected, significant, certain, and at the same time feel the ‘danger’, as you described it, the adrenaline rush, the variety. These are things that ALL human beings will do anything to feel and get. Understanding this will help really get your head around why you feel this way and will also help you recognize that you are totally normal.

So then comes step two. Once you realize that you are taking these actions to serve your needs than you have to ask the question. Wait, is there a better way to get the same need met than what I am doing? And that would be my question for you.

What is a better way to feel the variety, the certainty, the love, the connection, the fun, the excitement that you are getting met right now? Is there a way that is more sustainable and won’t end in shame or guilt?

Only when you actually substitute the way you get your needs met for a better way will you be able to pull away from the unhealthy and pain causing way. Does that make sense? So find out what the new way to meet your needs is that will be sustainable and healthy and start to take small steps to work towards being addicted to that new thing…the healthy thing.

But check it out… here is what else happens…

Shame and guilt…while NO ONE likes to feel these things they are NOT bad feelings like most people think. No, no, no…quite the opposite. These emotions happen to us for a reason. Actually every emotions we feel is for a reason and it is trying to send us a message. Here is what happens though to most people-they try to shove the feeling away (which never works) or they try to ignore the feeling (which also never works). When you do either of these two things the emotion gets stronger and stronger and stronger and eventually turns into something worse like this depression you talked about. Here is the good news. Once you realize that this emotion is really your friend and every emotion is and that it is really really trying to help you. It is saying, ‘Charlotte, you need to change something in your mind or in your life.’

So my question for you is this. What is this emotion telling you to change? What is it begging to get your attention for? Why is this emotion trying so hard to get your attention and what do you think it is asking so hard for you to change in your life? Remember, these emotions are your friends…they are what keep our life in order and in line with the way that we believe and think.

Guilt and shame are emotions that are trying to tell you that you have violated one of your values and that what you are doing isn’t in line with your beliefs and who you are. Don’t hate the emotion. Love it, embrace it, get excited when you feel these emotions, get curious as to what the gift is…you know, what the message is for you.

Once you take action and really get the message of the emotion than the emotion will lose some of its power because it knows that you are taking action torwards what it was trying to get your attention for all along.

Is this helpful at all?
I hope so.
Sam

PS. Also, just remember all of this is very normal and you are amazing to be hanging in there figuring it all out. Keep up the good work. There is a man of your dreams who will have those things and that love for you that you want and dream about. Perhaps this all needed to happen first for you to really be free to accept that into your life… thoughts.

Dear Charlotte:
It’s been a while since you posted this but I think the kind of shame you are talking about is not likely to have …. disappeared since. I believe I am familiar with the kind of misery you described. I too have allowed and somehow even made things happen to me that I wanted no part in; things that were harmful to me. The torture of not navigating my own life, of being cluelsess of what is going on in my life, of not being in control, of finding myself in the same situations I decided I will never again be in. The disgust with myself- that is shame. Decades of that. Then came healing later in life, a healing process I am still engaged in.

Looking back at that kind of a life I lead, feeling powerless, clueless, disconnected… what i see is SELF ABANDONMENT or SELF DENIAL as i term it. At one point, or points a long time ago I abandoned myself, disconnected, figured I am bad news, notsomeone I want to hang with so to speak. I distrusted myself, pronounced myself BAD.

And there teh conflict:part of me wanted to live, wanted to BE ME. It struggled to LIVE while I already determined I was not worthy of living. LIVE_DIE_LIVE_DIE.

I needed SERIOUS psychotherapy- and finally at 50 had it for the first time in my life. Four years later I am doing much better. I think you need same: serious psychotherapy so to RECONNECT. As i reconnect I get to UNDERSTAND that i am and was not a freak after all. i have the same basic needs as anyone else. And i went about getting those needs met teh best i could- ineffectively- but didn’t know any better.
Wishing you reconnect with your abandoned self-
anita

Hi Charlotte,

When you see these patterns in relationships, it is likely because you are seeking something from the other person. Perhaps you feel better about yourself when someone wants to be with you, perhaps you don’t think you have the strength to make it on your own.

Often, in relationships, we seek to find someone who “completes” us. The problem is that we don’t realize we are complete already! We look for someone to give us the sense of value, attention, and love that we can’t give ourselves.

Look inwardly, and you may find the answers that will help you break the pattern.

Bethany Rosselit
http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org