Jaishree – Your post is so helpful. I see what you are saying with people that make hasty decisions, probably from their ego’s and then have to live to regret their haste. I have gone back and forth with my situations a number of times. I guess I do not realize that I am showing strength. I cry so very often I still feel an incredible loss. I have disturbed sleep still, I wake up and always wish I am dreaming. I wish he did not go “so far” it seems so impossible to fix now. And you said something very powerful you mentioned “EFFORT” and that with effort things are possible. I do not see any “effort” on his side. He is so passive and acts only on the 11th hour. Even now I don’t know if he takes this separation very “seriously”. For me if my partner left and separated from me I would want to dig deep to find out what I did, how I can change etc. He is continuing on a destructive path of hanging around with single people and just living day to day.
You said it nicely I can’t stop thinking of the “beautiful times” and how many hopes and dreams we shared together. How we wanted to grow old together and have children. We have a lot in common too. Both love travelling, spending time together, watching documentaries, him helping me cook (he was my sous chef in the kitchen)… Oh boy I’m tearing up now. But Jaishree he always had this underlying need to party and excessively drink. Almost like he has a split personality? There is this one beautiful side that is so loving and then this opposite devilish side that loves sins. And when I am not around the devilish side rears its ugly head. When he goes out with guys he goes crazy and acts like a swinging single. Last year he got himself into such deep trouble on a bachelor party. I never wanted him to go in the first place but once he has his mind set on something I can’t stop him or he feels “restricted” and “resentful”. I am not his mother I’m his wife so I told him if he wants to go it is his decision but it makes me uncomfortable and he said “watch me I’ll be so proper on the trip you’ll see for yourself”. He promised also not to drink on the trip to Vegas because he has a problem with “control” as you can see and it causes me so much stress and anxiety because I love and care for him so much. And yes of course he came back home with a broken knee and said he was drugged. I had to take him to the hospital I became so stressed out I can’t even describe. After everything settled down he could never see what he did as a “big deal” but because of my stress said he won’t go to Vegas anymore. His words are never binding, his promises always fall through. But they are so believing… Maybe he himself believes them but then can’t control himself when the opportunity presents itself.

This part you wrote really sticks with me….”im not asking you to forgive or anything, was wanting to say that you talk to him again n again and get a feel of wat your heart feels or wants”…. Jaishree I’m stuck? My heart still loves him even with everything that has happened but my logical side says “NO” so I guess I feel a battle inside me. When I met him last time to sort through some finances I was in tears the entire time. I guess my soul is still connected and I can’t break that no matter how much logic I use? I am so scared to throw away my life, I am so fearful of this person and the manipulation and lies. I myself am very honest, I don’t do any type of drugs, I don’t like heavy partying. I don’t fit in with the immaturity a big side of him likes. I don’t know what to do. I also am not able to completely say goodbye to him either. I appreciate your advice. No you haven’t said anything hurtful you are offering another opinion and I value that. I am here to “listen” and like you said make a “choice” myself. The part I am worried about is throughout the relationship/marriage I have been the one to make appointments to doctors etc for him and he goes because I tell him to. But then he never continues he just stops. I know what you are trying to say is that he doesn’t know what to do. You are absolutely right he doesn’t know. He doesn’t have anyone to guide him either. His family is not helpful at all. His former bestfriend is not happy with his life choices (what he has done to me) so they don’t really speak too much. He hangs out with the worst company. He is so weak and easily goes on the “wrong path”. It is so hard for me to keep taking care of him and watching him make poor choices. It actually makes me physically sick with stress. That is why I am reluctantly unplugging myself. I have been trying to focus on building my health back up.

Dear Barb,
Sending love your way. It feels so wonderful to connect with you beautiful ladies. I have tried to do some meditation and then try asking myself the same questions. I find I am more calm and reacting less on emotions. So hard to do when you have been hurt so much (I still struggle with this). I try prayer too (to the universe or god or whatever you believe in) to help guide me and also do what is best for him. I guess this is my way of sending him love?
I really want the best to work out for both of us (you and me). Seems that we have so much love for these men huh?
I feel sad when I look at his upbringing. Although his parents are not alcoholic or violent at all, they are extremely passive. So passive I feel that is a form of neglect. So he formed an identity for himself early on in life and felt like he could never rely on his parents. Started formulating ideas which aren’t right. His first real relationship was with a female who was violent, abusive verbally and just all around wrong. She actually went to jail after he met me. He would always call me his angel…. Probably because I am the opposite of his ex. He has never had a proper female figure in his life (other than me). So when he met me he kept “screwing up” never knew how to handle me. But his errors were almost like an innocent stupid child in the beginning. He would reach out to my father for guidance in the beginning and he sort of took him under his wing so to speak….. But then when he interacted with the homewrecker he went so far off the deep end…..

Decisions!!! All we can do is be strong and stand up for what is “right”. If these men are meant to be with us they have to raise their consciousness and change their ways. If not then I know personally I will not be around for him.. Even though it hurts me I will have to love him from afar, perhaps be single forever. I cannot love easily. BUt when I love it is with my entire heart. Do you plan on having children with him if you stay with him? I think at the bare minimum he needs to stop the drugs altogether.

I would love for us 3 (you me and Jaishree) to be able to communicate with each other off this forum. I find Jaishree really offers another perspective 🙂 Love to all of you….

Hi Barb,
Totally agree on posting the email online and no your aren’t paranoid. Hmmm I guess I’ll think of how nothing is coming to mind right now.
I’m so happy for you knowing how strong you are and that meditation is helping you and so great that you love your job. A lot of people don’t have jobs they love so that is excellent!
Have a wonderful holiday discovering soul searching! I am sure your higher self will help you and guide you.

Currently I am definitely feeling much stronger but there is this deep ache inside, this pain, this longing. I can’t get that to go away. I know I’ll be okay alone but I can’t shut off the burning deep within my heart. I guess he needs to go on his journey and “figure himself out” and if we are meant to be then somehow that will happen? I don’t know what to say. I feel sad because there is this deep soul connection that doesn’t die, no matter what….

sending you love!

Dear Abbi,
Thank you for taking the time to write this beautiful message to me. I will try to keep remembering to let the past go, you are right! I hold on to the pain from what has happened. I can’t change the fact that it did happen and that part hurts me deeply. I am slowly finding out each day who I really am and what it is that I deserve. I will say that one lesson I’ve already learnt is “patience”. I don’t think I had a lot of it before this ordeal and now I have had to learn it. Big ticket price to pay for that lesson though 🙂 I value family SO MUCH so this hurts deeply for me….
I do hope that he is able to transform and that we have the opportunity in this life to meet again. But that isn’t in my hands… I’m not able to let go of him – he is deep within me. No matter how much I meditate… He is still etched in my heart.
Who knows what beautiful gift may come out of this situation, with or without him. I am putting all my effort into a small business I am opening. A dream of mine for the past 3 years.

Never mind I got fooled again… I thought there was a “shift” in him that he was “changing” his ways because he himself had pointed out what he is doing that is “wrong” and had proactively emailed me letting me know the realization that he had stumbled upon. He even said that he is hanging around with bad company that influences him to do the wrong things. I bought into all of this last week, I believed in the power of change. Stupid me. It might of been a temporary feeling that he had for a few days, a few days he decided not to go out clubbing and partying that he missed me and reached a few realizations. But it didn’t last…..

Turns out he picked up another girl and got her phone number on the weekend. I had to speak to him today to sort out finances and yet again he manipulated me giving me some cock and bull story that made no sense. Then turned the entire thing on me saying “I make things up in my head”. I’m an intelligent, loyal and kind woman. I do not make up stories in my head! I can’t believe after doing all the things he has done and then begging to be with me he has the audacity to say I make things up in my head…..

Going forward no matter WHAT he emails me with, no matter how believing the story and promises of change…. I will remember that they are mere words. His actions constantly show otherwise. That when he goes out and drinks he forgets me. He will always pick up some womans number and then text her to feel good about himself. He thinks there is nothing wrong with this…. I deserve to be treated better and I will be…. 5 years ends up like this. Yes it does I guess, that is how the story goes. I just asked him out of some respect in his heart for me while we are sorting out and tying up loose ends that he stop messaging other women and picking them up and he tells me I make up stories. I have full access to the phone records which he knows about 🙁 So how can I make stories up when I go off of the facts that I see? He told me I must be seeing things wrong lol….I guess he is so used to lying to my face that it has become second nature he feels zero remorse. The sad thing is I’ve told him he can do whatever he wants just stop trying to be with me at the sametime. Message and pick up women but help by doing his part to end this marriage. He tells me I am again “making up stories in my head” that he really wants to be with me and I’m making everything into the biggest deal ever. I have had to listen to this standard statement be told to me for years, that I make everything a big deal. PIcking up women when you are married isn’t a big deal? Pretending you are single isn’t a big deal?

I hope that karma teaches this man a lesson and that someone does this to him. When I once asked him how would he feel if he was on the receiving end of this he said to me “I hope that never happens”….. WOW… What a thing to say….
I don’t have it in me to treat him the same way I’m not that type of person. I’m the complete opposite of manipulative. But I hope someone is able to do this to him so he knows what it feels like when you treat someone so poorly…..

So hurt yet again….