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I feel like I don't love my boyfriend anymore

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  • #323157
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    I managed to read the rest of your post before last and your answers to my questions.

    Regarding Kade, there was spark, butterflies and racing heart but also a lot of crying: “I was crying every day when I got home, every time I joined a call with Kade, every time he said he’d be right back and never came back.. I was never happy”-

    1. What is the use of a spark, butterflies and racing heart if you are “never happy”?

    2. You wrote regarding your current boyfriend: “He is everything I’ve ever wanted”. Why is it so important for you to feel “that strong, loving connection.. spark.. a strong want”,  to explode every time you talk to him in a fire of sparks and fireworks?

    Why isn’t being content, a bit happy, good enough for you?

    New Year happens once a year, fireworks and all, not every day.

    anita

    #323161
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    Maybe the problem is not that you don’t feel sparks anymore, but that you don’t love your boyfriend anymore, just like you stated in the title of your thread: “I don’t love my boyfriend anymore”.

    It can be as simple as that.

    If you want to, tell me more about yourself, about how  old are you, do you live alone, do you work.. how was your life as a child, with your parents and family?

    (Did we communicate before, on someone else’s thread perhaps?)

    anita

    #323197
    Alina
    Participant

    That’s the point though. I want to love him, and I want to be with him. Yes, I feel comfortable around him, yes the doubts have led me to think I only see him as a friend, yes I feel neutral when he sends me things like long, loving paragraphs, but there’s also other things. When I think of him, I smile unintentionally, he makes me happy, even just the thought. When he’s gone for awhile, I miss him a lot, if someone were to ask if I loved him or wanted him, I’d say yes without any hesitation, I call him pet names and say I love him often and I mean it, even if I feel neutral by it. I feel no guilt in saying “This is who I want and I love him,” or, ” this is who I want to spend my life with “. I have a lot of neutral feelings towards him that I wish were stronger. When I mention the spark, I mean the feeling in my mind that knows I love him, that’s gone, but I feel like it’s coming back now, it has been for a little.

    And also, to answer your questions. I would rather not say my age but I am younger than 20, but older than 10. I live with my parents and as a child, I had a close relationship with them, and the rest of my family, but now, I always stay in my room. We go out sometimes though and hang out but not often, and we don’t live near family any more. Every summer break I do get to see my grandparents and cousin though, but I barely talk to my grandparents because we never know what to say.

    We have never communicated on another thread but I did see you in one not too long back when I was looking for answers. It was a few years ago though. I basically had the same exact problem as two people named Jaz and Micky, but the doubts got stronger over time and now I feel like this.

    My boyfriend is going to be leaving soon for a trip, so we won’t be able to talk too much, maybe that’ll help with my feelings. I’ll see how I feel when he’s gone for awhile, maybe that’ll clear things up. I really hope so because I don’t want to leave my boyfriend, I want to stay with him, love him with all I have to give, and have a future with him.

    I have talked to him about this before many times and he’s reassured me that I do love him enough and that I make him happy. He said that I’ve made him feel more loved than any of his past relationships, and he does make me really happy and feel loved.

    If I remember back, with Kade, I never put effort into him. Once I knew I was done with him, I was done. I didn’t bother to text him much anymore, I was hoping he’d leave me every day (because I feel bad when I leave people), I barely texted him, constantly said I didn’t feel comfortable, etc. With my boyfriend now, even though I feel neutral, I’m still putting all my effort in. If he’s upset, I won’t stop trying to help him, if we’re quiet, I won’t stop trying to talk to him, whenever we’re doing things or making a decision, I won’t stop getting his preference, even if I do feel like I don’t love him completely, I won’t leave, I’ll keep trying to love him more and see the good in me, him, and our relationship. He really means a lot to me and I don’t want to lose him.

    #323203
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    I am responding in detail, point by point, to your longer post from yesterday as well as the most recent. put a lot of time putting this post together, and I hope you give it as much time reading and considering it:

    1. There is promise in a relationship when it starts with two people who were each other’s safe place (“we were each other’s safe place. If one of us was upset, we’d go to the other… we were still distant, but were still each other’s safe place”).

    2. There has been a lot of talking without physical intimacy between the two of you- this is also promising because you got to know each other without the confusion that physical intimacy often causes. (“we exchanged numbers because we still wanted to talk… after a while, we started talking more”).

    3. I believe that it is time for you to see what happened with Kade for what it was: an online teenage crush, not a relationship. Kade had a crush for you, you had a crush for him. The crush was based on imagination, not on real life experience such as walking together in a park, holding hands. “When we talked, I had a heart racing feeling and butterflies, we both did”- you had those feelings while never have met each other in person. Again: this is a crush, not a relationship.

    4. Regarding Kade you wrote: “We ALWAYS argued”- arguing is a bad basis for a relationship. It is a good thing that this teenage crush did not turn into a relationship. Make sure that your current relationship does not involve arguing. Conflicts can be talked about respectfully and resolved for the benefit of both parties with zero arguing (significantly raising voices, calling names, threatening and whatnot).

    5. Reads like Kade acted very jealous regarding your then friend (now boyfriend) and regarding his cousin: “When Kade found out about (texting with Jax), he got REALLY upset with me.. woke me up at 3:41 AM..he had a bad habit of brining up my best friend”- it is a good thing that this teenage crush between you and Kade did not turn into a relationship. His jealous behavior would have brought you much more misery if this crush turned into a relationship.

    Again, I wouldn’t refer to what was with Kade as a relationship, if I was you, and I wouldn’t refer to Kade as “mt ex” or “My (ex) boyfriend” because he was not that.

    6. Kade didn’t keep his word: “every time he said he’d be right back and never came back”- it is bad, or toxic, as you put it, to be in a relationship with a person who does not keep his word. Good thing.. this crush did not turn into a relationship.

    7. It is promising when a man is your best friend and then the relationship starts: “That’s when I knew I wanted a life with my best friend”.

    8. A relationship is very promising when the two people  in it “have the same wants, needs, same goals, same future ideas“.

    9. “In the first few weeks… I felt so happy and alive“- a wonderful feeling that no  one feels most or all of the time. If a person feels that happy and alive at any one time during a day, it is a gift. When we feel “so happy and alive”, we wish to feel this way all the time (this is why people take drugs, don’t they- doesn’t work well), and we think it is possible- but it is not possible.

    10. “I was 100% sure I wanted a future with him… And now.. I’m not 100% sure about a future”- do not pressure yourself to be 100% sure that in your second decade of life, being barely an adult, you should be decide on whom you want to spend the rest of your life with, (the rest of your second decade, third, fourth, fifth and so on). This pressure may be causing you anxiety and distress. You don’t have to decide now or  anytime soon, let go of the pressure and you will not be as anxious as you are.

    “my feelings don’t match with his relationship toward me, and it’s upsetting… I feel neutral when he sends me things like long, loving paragraphs”- you feel pressure to feel for him as strongly as he feels for you. Feeling pressure to feel stronger love brings about the opposite result- feeling less. Loving feelings respond badly to pressure.

    “I don’t want to leave my boyfriend, I want to stay with him, love him with all I have to give, and have a future with him”- reads to me that you believe that if you don’t feel stronger for him, you will lose him. That is a lot of pressure you burden yourself with. And if he doesn’t put such pressure on you, then it is only you who is pressuring yourself this way. Reality is, you don’t have to feel stronger for him, there is no such requirement, is there.

    Question: you suggested that you no longer have “a close relationship with them”, them being your parents, that you are no longer living “near family anymore”, and that you “always stay in my room”- seems to me that you are quite unhappy with your life as is, lonely and somewhat depressed, in need for love and some excitement, for that “so happy and alive feeling”-

    – and therefore you are desperate to move this online relationship forward and marry this man, so that you can move out of your parents’ home. And at the same time, you are afraid of that big decision, of moving out toward a different kind of life. Am I correct?

    anita

     

     

    #323219
    Alina
    Participant

    Partly, partly not. When my parents and I moved away, I was devastated. I shattered. I’ve lost contact with almost all of my friends. I only have two now, and I use to have about 10.

    When we moved here and I started going to school, I hated it, it really brought me down. I cried all the time. In the mornings, after school, and at night. I hated my school. I had no friends at my school, and I still don’t. When Kade came along, he only made me happy enough to where I didn’t cry over my school, but I still stared at the clock, drew depressing things in my sketch book, and waited impatiently for the day to end. Out of everything, my school made me feel the worse.

    With my parents, I never really have anything to say to them. We’ll go out every now and then, or I’ll go down stairs and talk to them, or for example, today, I’ve been helping my mom because she is sick, but other than that, I stay in my room and talk to Tyson(current boyfriend(not his real name)) all day until we fall asleep together. We also play on Xbox together.

    As for my other family, they all live in the old state we lived in, and some of my friends lived close to them. Every summer I’d see my grandparents and my aunt, and I still do, but it gets cut down a bit and I can’t see them as much for Christmas break like I usually do.

    This year, school isn’t as bad. I have two advanced classes now which are pretty easy, a lot of people have actually warmed up to me being in the school (no one talks to me though except for one girl. Either way, I like being alone at school, it helps me focus, get work done, etc), and I’m in yearbook. School also goes by pretty fast. I also really enjoy writing and so I usually write about Tyson because he’s on my mind often. Coming home, getting things done, and then talking to Tyson and hour later helps me a lot as well get over being here. He makes me really happy and feel calm and appreciated.

    Also, when it comes to the living stronger feeling, you’re right, that does put a lot of pressure on me and I do feel like that’s what’s making me feel like I only see him as a friend because I keep feeling less when I think of it, so I feel like that is the cause of it. Any advice on how I can stop pressuring myself in that way?

    And, I know it’s early to say he’s who I want to spend my life with, especially since I have plenty of decades left, but right now, that’s my mind set and my hope.

    Today, I’ve felt a lot more better. It’s been really calm today between me and Tyson and that makes me feel a lot better. I haven’t really had any doubts today and when they come to mind they leave quickly. The doubts are usually the strongest on school days.

    #323221
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    I will be able to read your recent post (and anything you may add to it) when I return to the computer in about 19 hours from now.

    anita

    #323281
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    Your parents moved from one state to another. You left behind ten friends and your old school, and you hated your new school where you still have no friends at all(only one girl talks to you). You do not have a close relationship with your parents, with whom you live, no extended family around, no friends- this is a very difficult situation for any person, especially a teenager. We people are social animals- we need social connections, and we need at least one close social connection. And teenagers- their needs for social connections are intense!

    How does it feel for a human (a social animal) to be alone and lonely: “I was devastated.. shattered…cried all the time.. stared at the clock.. waited impatiently for the day to end”.

    No wonder that your online crush with Kade was so  important to you- it was the social connection you needed so desperately, and so you felt a bit better (“I didn’t cry over my school”). But Kade didn’t keep his word, he was jealous, not your safe place, so you ended crying because of him being in your life.

    Then Tyson texted you, Tyson from the old state. You had a better social connection, a “safe place” and that “helps me a lot… He makes me really happy and feel calm and appreciated”. Feeling significantly better, “school isn’t as bad”, time goes by quicker, you are able to focus there, and “get work done”.

    “Any advice on how I can stop pressuring myself in that way”, (pressuring yourself to feel more for Tyson than what you are feeling, pressuring yourself to feel butterflies, a racing heart, a spark)?

    Notice when a thought appears in your brain, saying something like: I-am-not-feeling-a-spark. Close your eyes and visualize a grey, clouded sky, think: no sun= no spark.

    Next, visualize just a bit of the sun appearing from behind the clouds, think: here is a bit of a sun, a bit of a spark.

    When again you notice a similar thought, close your eyes again and visualize the grey sky, think: the sun is gone again, it is behind the clouds. It will come out later, when it does, I don’t know when, but it will.

    – thing is I don’t know if the spark for Tyson will reappear, maybe it will not. But  some kind of spark will.

    To understand yet better, and maybe be able to offer you more advice, I ask:

    1. When you communicate with Tyson, do you sometimes pretend to feel the spark and then you feel guilty for pretending, like you are lying to him, being a bad person for doing so, maybe using him dishonestly so to not feel alone, pretending to feel what you don’t?

    2. What do you feel for your mother? your father? Any feelings at all, any feeling of love, at times, anger? Do you feel that you are a bad daughter for not feeling more love for them?

    anita

     

    #323333
    Alina
    Participant

    When I talk to Tyson and call him pet names or say I love him or other things like that, I don’t like I’m pretending or anything, I never feel guilty. I feel like I mean it. I don’t feel dishonest nor do I feel like a bad person. I feel truthful, and my mind is set on it. I only feel guilty when the doubts come to my mind, but usually I can ignore it. The doubts mainly get to me at school.

    With my parents, my feelings are also neutral. I love them, even if they upset me, and no, I don’t feel like a bad daughter, I’ve never really thought of that though.

    #323339
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    I suggest that you re-read our three page communication patiently and thoroughly and take note of anything and everything that you think is valuable, as well as anything that you want to explore further with me, the share those notes with me.

    Once you do, I will patiently and thoroughly read your notes and reply to you further.

    anita

    #323633
    Alina
    Participant

    Sorry I never replied, I started to feel better and felt more in love with him. The doubts went away and I felt fine, but now it’s something else. I don’t physically feel in love. Is that normal?

    I just started feeling it today, and it’s worrying me that I’m not in love. I’ve seen a lot of, “If you’re in love, you’ll know it, ” And I don’t.

    When I think of him, I don’t see any bad in him. He has flaws, but they make him who he is, and they make him more great to me. In my mind, I know I’m in love, I know I love him and see him as my one, but I don’t feel any physical feelings. I feel neutral. My feelings have started to come back, but are still distant.

    My question is, just because I don’t have any physical feelings towards him, does that mean I’m not in love?

    I feel safe and secure we it him. I’m not worried about losing him or him cheating, and I’d never cheat on him. I always want him happy and I want to be there when he’s upset, but I have no physical feelings that are openly showing me I’m in love, and it worries me. I want to love him and be with him, I don’t want to break up, but I feel no physical feelings.

    #323641
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    “just because I don’t have any physical feelings towards him, does that mean I’m not in love?… I don’t want to break up, but I feel no physical feelings”

    To attempt to answer you today, I ask: why do you have to break up for not having physical feelings for him, being that you like him so much otherwise. What is the problem in not having physical feelings for him?

    anita

    #323643
    Alina
    Participant

    When it comes to me, my problems about not having physical feelings isn’t about anything like butterflies or heart racing, I know that doesn’t last. What I mean by physical feelings is the feeling of being sure you love someone, being sure you want them, being sure they’re the one. I don’t have that, I only hear it in my mind.

    Other than the physical feelings, I feel sure I want a relationship with him and I feel sure I love him.

    This is what I know/feel right now:

    • When he’s not around, I miss him but not strongly, and if he can’t text me, I’m not upset
    • I can openly call him pet names and say I love him without feeling guilty of saying it or feeling scared to be judged
    • He’s my first thought when I wake up, and I enjoy talking to him
    • I want to see him in person one day and feel as if maybe that’ll help with the unsure feelings
    • I’m not 100% sure if I love him
    • I don’t get any physical feelings of wanting him around
    • There isn’t any spark for me
    • I’m not worried about losing him
    • I wouldn’t get upset if he somehow became disabled or failed a grade
    • I have no physical feelings making me sure I love him
    • I can talk about him to people without saying anything bad about him(I couldn’t even if I tried)
    • As soon as I get home, I check to see if I have a message from him, and if I don’t, I get a little worried (because usually I have a text from him) but I also know his phone doesn’t charge well and it’s usually that
    • I feel comfortable and safe with him

    And the list goes on. It’s kind of scattered, I wrote everything I thought of at that time of writing. Does any of that mean anything? Am I just unsure, in love blindly, not in love, neutral, or anything else?

    #323647
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    If you find out that you don’t love him in the emotional I-am-sure kind of way that you are referring to, what will happen? What will you do differently and how will your life be different?

    anita

    #323649
    Alina
    Participant

    If I find out that I don’t love him in the emotional I-am-sure type of way, I’ll be shattered. I want to love him and be with him. I enjoy making him happy and being close to him. Our relationship has been the healthiest I’ve ever had, other than my doubts and confusion, and I want it to last. If I found out completely, I wouldn’t leave, I wouldn’t give up. I’d talk to him about it, try to fall for him again and be completely sure about the fact that I love him. I would read old messages, think of good memories, think of how I’d be without him and compare, and anything else that would help. I wouldn’t give up on him, me, or us.

    If I lost him, I’d change forever. He’s my best friend, my safe place. We have the same goals together, we have a lot in common, we’ve told each other things we’d never tell anyone else, and a lot more. Losing him would be like losing a lot of myself because he has helped me become a happier and better version of myself.

    #323651
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    To reply to you in a thorough way, I will  need to return to your thread when I am better focused, which will be tomorrow morning. But for now: can you tell me about your history with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)? What obsessions did you have before the current obsession of whether you love this man or not?

    Also, to the best of your understanding: what symptoms of disassociation did you experience in the past (feeling numb at times you think you are supposed to feel excited, feeling disconnected from the here-and-now, like you are an outsider to yourself and to your life, a stranger to yourself, etc.?

    anita

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