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I feel like I don't love my boyfriend anymore

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  • #323655
    Alina
    Participant

    I never really thought I had OCD, and I never obsessed over anything else, just this. I’ve obsessed over ex’s in a way when I was with them, but that’s all I can really think of.

    I don’t really know what disassociations I’ve had. All I know is that I feel neutral towards him when I feel like I should feel deeply towards him, I feel normal and smile a little when he would send me long loving paragraphs when I feel as if I should feel more happier and loved knowing that I’ve wanted to be sent long loving paragraphs for years, when we talk about our future and things we want to do, I feel like I should feel a stronger physical feeling and happiness instead of only wanting it badly inside my head, and when he’s gone, I feel like I should miss him more than I really do.

    #323659
    anita
    Participant

    Dear  Alina:

    “I feel normal and smile..” –

    – when you don’t feel normal, how does that feel?

    anita

    #323699
    Alina
    Participant

    I don’t know really

    #323705
    Alina
    Participant

    Update:I’m starting to feel a little better and more certain. I started putting things together and this is what I got:

    • Tyson and I usually talk and play together on Xbox, and yesterday he had to go out for something he does (not gonna say because it’s his info to share, not mine) and won’t be back until possibly Friday. Usually, I’m trying to get on as quick as I can and wait for him to get home so I can talk to him. Yesterday, when he left, all I did was sit in a dark room and stare at the wall until I fell asleep, I didn’t bother to get on at all. I only did once to have a little light in my room while I ate.
    • My mom recently went into the hospital because she has blurry vision, high blood pressure, and weak kidneys (she didn’t know about the weak kidneys and her sight going blurry is still a mystery) and she’s been in there since Sunday.
    • I have been sick for the past few days and going to school while feeling sick isn’t the best for me(I can’t look around without my head hurting, my face has been burning up for I don’t know how long, my legs are weak, etc).

    I was thinking that maybe the last two could somehow be blocking the physical feelings and making me unsure..? I don’t know exactly..

    #323737
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    I hope your mother gets better soon and comes back home. If she has weak kidneys, she will have to change what she eats and drinks, how much she eats and drinks, so to make her kidneys’ job easier. I hope you update me soon about how she is doing.

    I hope you feel better soon as well. Do let me know how you feel throughout the day/ evening.

    First, I will quote and summarize what you shared yesterday:

    “In my mind, I know I’m in  love.. but I don’t feel any physical feelings that are openly showing me I’m in  love, and it worries me… What  I mean by physical feelings is the feeling of being sure you love someone, being sure you want them, being sure they’re the one. I don’t have that, I only hear it in my mind…I feel like I should feel a stronger physical feeling and happiness instead of wanting it badly inside my head“.

    You wrote that if you found out that you don’t love him, you’ll  be shattered because this relationship, you wrote, “has been the healthiest I’ve ever had.. and I want it to last… If I lost him, I’d change forever. He’s my best friend, my safe place. We have the same goals together, we have a lot in common… Losing him would be like losing a lot of  myself because he has helped me become a happier and better version of myself”.

    You wrote: “My question is, just because I don’t have any physical feelings toward him, does that mean I’m not in love?.. Am I just unsure, in love blindly, not in love, neutral, or anything else?”

    Second, my understanding: you are a very lonely girl and this boy is your only meaningful connection to another human being. He really is The One, that is, the Only other human you feel  connected to. Your emotional life is like a desert and he is the only source of water.

    We humans are social animals. Alone- we get scared. Together with another in a meaningful way- we feel safe. You are afraid to lose that safe feeling, this safe place you  have with him.

    In our brains we have an emotional  part (I’ll call it the Heart) and a logical part (I’ll call it Logic). In your case, what happened is something like this: you used to live in a two room house (Heart and Logic), this was the healthy way of living. Then while you were in the Logic room, the Heart room got locked and you got stuck in the Logic room. You sometime go close to the locked door of the Heart room and  look through the key hole. You see a little bit of what is inside, but not  a lot.

    And so, you are stuck in the Logic room, thinking and thinking .. and thinking. But your understanding of yourself and others is limited no matter how much and how long you think because you can’t see enough of what is happening in the Heart room.

    Being locked outside the Heart room is called disassociation. Being stuck  in the Logic room, thinking and thinking is obsessing.

    You wrote about being sure that you love him, that he is the one: “I only hear it in my mind“- you only hear it in the Logic room where you live.

    “I feel like I should feel a stronger physical feeling and happiness instead of wanting it badly inside my head“- inside your head means inside the Logic room. Inside the Logic room you know that you love him, but because you can’t go  inside the Heart room, you can’t be sure. To be sure of most things, we have to have access to both rooms, not one or the other.

    The “physical feelings” you are talking about are in the Heart room and you can only see a bit of those through the keyhole. To get that sure feeling, that physical feeling, you have to go inside the Heart room.

    But how can you go inside the Heart room when it is locked, is the question. Is it?

    anita

     

     

    #324037
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    I hope you are feeling better and that your mother is okay. How are you???

    anita

    #326377
    Alina
    Participant

    Hello! I’m sorry I haven’t been here in awhile, I started to feel better and I didn’t want to go online and look around and then find something that upset me and brought the doubts back so I took a break, but here’s my update.

    My mom has been doing well now. She’s out of the hospital and doing fine. She still has bad kidneys and may have to get a transplant once her blood pressure gets at a normal level, but other than that she’s been doing good. She ended up going to an eye doctor and found out that she has been bleeding behind her eyes and that was why she has been having blurry vision and is now classified as legally blind, but, she has been getting a hold of it and gotten use to it quite easily. She can still proceed her normal life like she did just fine, the only change is not going to work because she can’t drive.

    As for me, the doubts have been going away and the feelings are coming back. Tyson and I are really happy together too. We’ve had our fair share of complaining (I wouldn’t call it arguments because we never really directly said anything towards each other but rather just were both upset, said what was wrong, let it bother us for awhile and think of it, and then one of us would take the upper hand and help the other once we felt better), but other than that, we’ve been really happy. I got a long break off of school and that helped me a lot with the doubts since they originated in school.

    The doubts are still around but I’ve gotten better at letting go of them and not letting them bother me, which also helps. I also talked to someone who had been in the same place as me and helped me be more sure about everything. And as said before, the break off of school helped me clear them away too.

    Now, Tyson and I have been together for two months and in 21 days we’ll be together for three. I know three months isn’t long but it is a big accomplishment for me if we get there and past that knowing that my longest relationship, or, as said by you, crush, lasted for only two months and was a few days away from three.

    I have been feeling more physical feelings and I’ve felt more sure about my feelings as well as I’ve felt more happy. Both Tyson and I are glad they’re going away and luckily they didn’t hurt our relationship badly in any ways. We have been able to talk to each other, be open, understand each other, love each other, joke with each other, and a lot more. He has helped me become the person I want to be and I really appreciate that.

    Also, thank you so much for helping me with my doubts, and sorry if I was hard to help, once things carve into my mind it takes awhile to get out. I really appreciate it and it helped a lot, I definitely feel more sure and happy.

    #326447
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    You are welcome. Do help your mother at home, take some time every day (not all your time) to help her with physical tasks around the house, maybe with shopping as well, any way you can. Help her be calm, that will help with her blood pressure and overall health.

    I am glad things are going well with Tyson, that you “have been able to talk to each other, be open, understand each other, love each other, joke with each other, and a lot more. He has helped me become the person I want to be”- this is excellent, so pleased to read this!

    Post again anytime.

    anita

    #330207
    Alina
    Participant

    Hello, so, I’m back.. The doubts are coming back again, but I don’t know why. I know by now that there won’t always be a spark in a relationship and I know that the heart-racing isn’t always going to be there, but I still feel like I don’t love him. I don’t know why, I know I want to, but, I just feel like I don’t. In my chest, I feel like I don’t love him, and usually when him and I are talking, I’ll feel happy and in love, until the doubt comes around, then I realize how I’m feeling and it changes my mood. I don’t know why they keep coming around though.

     

    Tyson is a really great guy. He’s understanding, he’s loving, he’s caring, he’s funny, he’s supportive, and a lot more. He’s almost exactly the type of guy I’ve always wanted. He makes me really happy and talking to him makes me feel better often. We have our fair share of arguments(They’re not really arguments, we never argue, but we both just have times to where we’ll be upset, complain about it, take some time to ourselves, and then we feel better). We share the same goals in a relationship and when we talk about a future, we both can agree on things. For example, we both want a German Shepherd, and when we get to see eachother in person, we want to just sit in a room together and cuddle while watching movies or playing games.

    In my eyes, he’s perfect. He does have flaws and imperfections, but that makes him who he is, and I love it. He’s an upgrade from everyone I’ve ever been with. I trust him more than anyone, and he makes me really happy and makes me feel loved. There’s nothing to not love about him but.. I just keep doubting that I do, and I don’t want to. My mind says I love him, and I want to be with him, but my chest, or heart, says “you don’t love him” “Are you sure you love him? ” And then I think all over again about the no physical feelings, even though I’ve been feeling them more now.

    My question is; Is there any way I can get rid of these doubts? He never did anything to change how I feel towards him, and our relationship is still exciting in it’s own ways. He’s almost exactly the type of guy I’ve wanted; Someone who can be hyper and funny, someone who can understand me, someone I can trust, someone I can go to for anything, someone who has the same goals as me, someone who wouldn’t judge me for things that interest me, someone I can joke with, someone who’s my best friend, someone who I knew for awhile, someone who puts effort into me, and more.

    #330277
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    I am glad your online relationship with Tyson is still good, and I hope that someday soon the two of you will get together, live in the same place and have a relationship in-person.

    Your obsession is back: I-love-him/I-do-not/I-love-him/I-do-not…I-love-him/I-love-him/.. I-do-not.

    Your question is: “Is there any way I can get rid of these doubts?”

    My answer: no, you can’t get rid of these doubts, but you can lessen them.  These doubts are an obsession.

    -There are psychiatric drugs prescribed for obsessive thinking,  and they do help lots of people to obsess less within a few weeks of taking them, but their help is not complete and they may stop helping at any time.

    -There are forms of psychotherapy that can help lessen obsessive thinking, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), for example. It will take months to lessen obsessive thinking with CBT, and again, the help will not be complete. (Maybe you can find a book and a workbook on CBT in a library or a bookstore, or online, that can help you s bit).

    In your recent post you wrote about Tyson (same things that you wrote about him in the previous pages of your thread): “He never did anything to change how I feel towards him.. He’s almost exactly the type of guy I’ve wanted.. has the same goals as me.. puts effort into me, and more”-

    – thing is, an obsession, such as yours has nothing to do with who Tyson is. Your obsession starts and stops, then starts again- not because he changed, not because he is no longer compatible with you or good to you and for you- but because it is the nature of an obsession to return. An obsession keeps going and going, then stops for a little while, then it returns, all by itself, nothing to do with Tyson’s behavior.

    Post again anytime, and I wish you and Tyson, a Happy New Year.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
    #332373
    Alina
    Participant

    Update: Me and Tyson have been… Okay. We’ve been having a rough week because of school coming back and we’ve just been arguing a lot now, but we’ve gotten through it just fine, which is kinda what bothers me. While we were arguing, I knew I was upset and hurt, but on the outside, I felt fine. Nothing told me I was upset , and it worried me that I didn’t care, but I also thought that maybe I just calmed down, but I’m not sure. Other than that, Tyson and I have been really happy, or he has at least.

    I can’t say that I’m sad about being with him, I’m not, I’m glad I’m with him and happy to be, but, it’s just me. The doubts won’t go away, at all, and it hurts. I’ll be okay, but then I start to hear “you don’t love him” And “are you sure you love him” In my head, and it’s really upsetting me. I know I can’t control my feelings, but I know what I want. I want to love him, I want to be with him. Out of everyone I’ve been with, he’s treated me the best and made me feel the most loved, but, I still feel almost nothing.

    I know that I do love him in some way at least though. I always think of him and do things for him that I wouldn’t think of/do for just anyone, only him. The doubts just keep getting to me and they won’t go away. I’ve gotten better at letting go of them, but they always get me somehow.

    I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want to lose him. I know that for a fact. I feel like this would be one of those you-don’t-know-you-love- someone-until-you-let-them-go type of things. I also feel like it may be what you were talking about too, how, maybe I don’t feel anything right now because it’s online, but will/would when/if I see him. I really hope so, because I know what I want when it comes to my feelings and him. I just wish the doubts would go away and I would be sure I’m in love. I really want to be, and I know I can’t control it, but… Yeah.

    Other than that, I’ve been doing well and so has he. We’ve been having a good day today and been getting along. A lot of stuff has been getting better and I feel like we’re moving towards a bright relationship again.

    #332381
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    I am not focused enough to attentively read your recent post, but I will read and reply tomorrow morning. I did read the first few sentences. It may help me understand better if you describe (before I return) the arguments you had recently, as in what did he say, what did you say, what he said back and so forth.

    I will be back to you in about 13 hours from now.

    anita

    #332509
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    “it worried me that I didn’t care.. I still feel almost nothing”- you are obsessed with what you don’t feel and what you should feel, feeling upset for not feeling a particular way.

    “I know what I want. I want to love him”- you can’t make a feeling happen because you want that feeling.

    “I know that I do love him in some way.. I always think of him and do things for him”- this is it, Alina. You have to change your definition of love from how you feel (or don’t feel) to —–> how you think and what you do.

    Can you do that, this change?

    anita

    #332559
    Alina
    Participant

    I don’t know how to change that exactly.. I started reading stuff online about other people who have been in the same situation and many people told them to leave the other person and not lead them on, but I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to to lose my relationship with him as friends or boyfriend/girlfriend. I know I can’t force feelings or force love, but, I still feel a lot like I do love him, I just keep having lingering thoughts on if I really do or not and it hurts, a lot. I know what I want, what I feel, and what I do, but I don’t know if I love him or not. We get through so many things I couldn’t have gotten through with anyone else and he treats me in a way I’ve never been treated.. I don’t want to lose him or leave him. I want to be with him, I just don’t want to hurt him if I do end up feeling like I don’t love him.

    #332567
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    I might have asked you this already, but I’ll ask you again:

    “I don’t know if I love him or not”-

    – what does love mean to you, give me your definition of he word?

    anita

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