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I feel like I don't love my boyfriend anymore

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This topic contains 51 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 6 days, 20 hours ago.

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  • #322383

    Alina
    Participant

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two months, and before that, we liked each other for about two or three. For the first few weeks of us being together and before that, I was crazy for him. I always felt so crazy for him and I always wanted him next to me. I was obsessed, but, for awhile now, I’ve been doubting my feelings. I was happy and felt so alive one day, and then the next day the question “Do I really love him? ” Came into my mind and I haven’t felt the same since.

    Over time I came to realize that my heart never raced when me and him would talk and I never really got butterflies. He’s been my best friend for a year so I was thinking maybe it’s because I’m comfortable with him, but at the same time, I don’t know.

    It’s been upsetting me a lot lately because he’s the perfect match for me. We get along so well, we’re able to talk to each other about absolutely anything, we make each other happy, and so much more. He’s always on my mind and he’s all that I ever talk about. I only want him and no one else. I don’t find anyone else attractive nor do I see myself with anyone but him. He’s everything, but ever since this question came into my mind, I haven’t been the same about it. With an ex, my heart always raced and I had butterflies, but I feel like it was because we had a bad past, but, I’m not sure.

    #322391

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    It is not normal or healthy to have one’s heart racing every moment, every day and night when two people love each other because a heart attack or a stroke will result- it is not healthy to have the heart race on and on and on. And about butterflies- butterflies don’t live for long, a couple of weeks, two months (you can google butterflies, Wikipedia. and find out how long they live).

    Therefore to expect the hear to race and the butterflies on an ongoing basis is not realistic. After a period of excitement with a new love, the excitement slows down and sometimes it is not there at all- for everyone!

    I hope to read more about your thoughts and feelings and will reply when I am back to the computer, in about 13 hours from now.

    anita

    #322397

    Alina
    Participant

    Hello Anita! I actually found you on a post from awhile ago. I saw many people before telling others to make a separate post so their problems can be resolved easier, I’m in a position like another who woke up one day and felt as if there was a blockage in their love for their partner. I’m in the same position. I know I want to spend my life with him, and I only want him, but I feel as if there is a blockage in it, all because the question “Do you really love him” Came to mind. I was wondering if you or others were to have any advice on how to know how you truly feel about someone or if there is any way to get over such a question? Also, I know a constant racing heart would be badly unhealthy and unrealistic. When I said that, I meant when around your partner. I have seen many things that says your heart raced a bit faster(or something like that) around someone you love, and I don’t get that feeling. I didn’t know if that really was a huge clue, a mild one, or not one at all.

    #322449

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    Even if it is only around your partner, to have a “constant racing heart” is impossible and quite deadly. To save your life, you’d have to end that deadly relationship. The butterflies as well, not possible at all times when you are in the company of your partner. Think of this: let’s say you are in the company of your partner and your stomach starts to hurt, you feel that you might have diarrhea. The moment you feel this kind of discomfort and your thinking is focused on it- gone are the butterflies. And if the heart is racing, it is to prepare you to run to the bathroom.

    Now, imagine what is really happening in your case:  you are with your partner and your stomach is fine, but you start focusing on the thought: do I really love him? This thought is associated with distress, not the stomach ache but it is an ache of the emotional kind. No  wonder then, that the butterflies are gone and if the heart is racing, it is not the romantic, in-love kind of racing, but the distressed kind.

    You worry that you don’t love him and because of the worry, you stop feeling that in-love feeling sensations.

    Let’s look more in depth at what is happening: for a few months you liked a guy, for a few more weeks, you “always felt so crazy for him and I always wanted him next to me. I was obsessed”-

    – obsessed, this is the problem. For a few weeks you were obsessed with the thought of wanting him next to you.

    “I was obsessed, but, for a while now, I’ve been doubting my feelings… the question ‘Do I really love him?’ Came into my mind and I haven’t felt the same since”-

    your obsession changed. First you obsessed on the thought of wanting him next to you, then you  obsessed with the thought: do  I really love him?

    The Problem is you Obsessing. All the thoughts  you have regarding your obsession, all the thoughts trying to answer the question: do I love him? – all these thoughts belong to the obsession and will not help you. The obsession is like a giant vacuum cleaner that keeps vacuuming but nothing gets clean, all the dust and dirt remains. So you vacuum, vacuum, vacuum, and nothing changes. It is as if you and the vacuum become  one, you wake up.. and you just have to vacuum. No matter how the vacuum doesn’t clean anything, you are compelled to vacuum.

    Your relationship is a very new one, and this man, you wrote, is “the perfect match for me. We get along so well” and so forth. The solution is to focus on what is perfect in the match and continue to get along, to make the relationship meaningful and healthy regardless of racing-heart-or-not and butterflies-or-not.

    But suggesting the above, for the person who is obsessed is like saying: stop vacuuming, use the broom instead, you’ll see, it will work! But the obsessed person says: but I have to vacuum!

    What do you think about what I wrote here?

    anita

    #322735

    Alina
    Participant

    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    I think it was helpful, thank you. Right now, all I’m dealing with is doubt about myself. I’m doubting my love for him and I don’t know how to get it to go away. Any ideas?

    #322789

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    You are welcome. “I’m doubting my love for him and I don’t know how to get it to go away. Any ideas?”-

    – Define love: what does love (for a man) means to you?

    anita

    #322855

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Alina!

    The important thing to note here is that heart-racing/crazy feeling is not love. It’s just the excitement from the newness of the relationship as you’re learning about each other. Most people call that the “honeymoon phase.” That feeling will not last in any relationship that you have. Eventually, the newness wears off, and what you’re left with, if you’re compatible or a “match” for each other is an extreme fondness and a calming feeling. When you start feeling like the person is “home” to you and you just genuinely enjoy their company, that’s more like love than any butterflies or heart racing feeling (because heart racing and butterflies don’t last and it generally means the person makes you nervous, which naturally goes away when you get comfortable with the person).  If you never felt heart racing or butterflies with your boyfriends, it’s most definitely because you are already comfortable with him which is actually a GREAT thing and an indicator that he is a good match for you… maybe even the perfect match if he treats you the way you want to be treated, is your best friend, and you get along well!

    So maybe you’re doubting your relationship because our expectations from movies and quotes can tell us that there is supposed to be butterflies and heart palpitations and if they aren’t there, that something is wrong… but that’s not the case in real life at all. It’s the ones that make you feel comfortable, like you can truly be yourself with that person without being judged and that they will always have your back… the ones that make you feel calm, and happy, and you feel that warm “I’m home” feeling around them… THAT is the real-life, best kind of love. So if you have that, hang onto it.

    There’s an old quote that I love and completely agree with:

    “If you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that’s not the one. When you meet your “soulmate,” you’ll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation.”

    #322905

    Alina
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Thankyou, those really help. I honestly don’t know how I define love. I know it isn’t the Butterflies and heart racing feeling, but I also don’t know how to explain it. Right now, I just keep getting really cautious. The doubts won’t leave my mind. Right now, what’s bothering me and making me doubt things is that I don’t want him next to me all the time as badly as I once wanted. We have a long-distance relationship because I had to move away so I don’t really know if he does feel like home in person. We talk all day every day and I am really comfortable with him. When something happens, he’s the first and only person I think to tell, rather it’s good or bad, and he’s sent me a lot of sweet, loving things that I’ve always wanted. I’ve had my mind set on the type of guy I’ve always wanted for awhile, and he’s exactly it. We’ve been best friends for over a year and I once lost him before (it wasn’t an argument or problem, he had to leave for awhile) and I cried and cried, but I thought I didn’t care that way. Everything about him is great, even his flaws. There isn’t anything to not love about him, but I keep doubting it. I’ve never doubted a relationship before rather I had the butterflies and crazy feelings or not, and I don’t know what to do. He’s never done anything to make me feel this way.</p>

    #322909

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Alina,

    What were your previous relationships like?  Not wanting him next to you all the time as badly after some time is completely normal. It’s sort of just a normal progression of a long-term relationship and that happens with almost all of them. Long-distance relationships are hard though, so you may just be detaching from him now that you don’t see him as much.

    I notice you said you had a bad past with an ex… is there maybe a part of you that doesn’t actually want to be in a relationship with someone who takes care of you and treats you well and that part of you craves the excitement of a bad relationship, so it wants you to self-sabotage your healthy relationship?  Doubts aren’t always something that should be followed, especially when you have so much good to say about your boyfriend, and they can be coming from a place of fear, which would be something you need to heal inside yourself to feel better and it might not have to do with your boyfriend at all.

    #322911

    Alina
    Participant

    My relationships weren’t the best.. My first love cheated on me and used me, my second relationship was with someone who wasn’t exactly the happiest person, my third relationship I was cheated on, my fourth relationship I did get treated well but then I made a mistake and we were never the same which REALLY got to me. My last relationship before my boyfriend now became I regret because we’d break up then get back together over and over, and the last time we were together, I left him because I saw myself with my best friend instead of him and while I was with him, I cried every day and my best friend (current boyfriend) always made me feel so much better. With my ex, I did get the heart racing, butterfly feeling and at the time, that’s what I saw love as, and when I didn’t get that feeling for others, I still felt in love. My current boyfriend, I just feel like I could love him more because the definition of love really confuses me(I am REALLY sorry if my grammar and spelling is bad)

    #322913

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    I will read your recent posts and reply when I am back to the computer in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #322935

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Alina!

    I think what you’re saying makes sense but I’m not sure your issue or doubts are actually coming from anything being wrong with your relationship with your boyfriend, especially since your feelings for him seem to be rather huge. It’s pretty likely your doubts are more from you having a lot of fears around relationships based on your past. It probably feels weird to you, whether you realize it or not, to be treated well or to have a relationship be going generally well because your others have been so rocky, and to be cheated on by your first love would absolutely cause issues with trust and possibly fear of abandonment in future relationships (so you feel the need to leave before you’re left) if you never truly dealt with your feelings from that (which can be hard to do especially if you haven’t done it intentionally). Just as you were the one to make the mistake in the relationship that was going really well, you might have subconsciously sabotaged that one too because you might not be sure how to handle being in a good relationship due to some underlying feelings caused by the previous bad relationships.  I could be totally off here, but you just speak so highly of your boyfriend and haven’t really had many issues with him other than your own doubts, so I think it’s likely your doubts aren’t actually about him.

    If I were you, I would give it some time. You guys haven’t really been a couple for that long, so you might feel better once you get through this initial period of doubt, and if you do have subconscious fears causing the doubts, those will subside as you start to feel safer in a healthy relationship.  You did say you’re long-distance right now, though, and those relationships are always pretty difficult. Will you be long-distance for a long time or are there plans to be closer together soon?

    #322987

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alina:

    You shared that your first and third boyfriends cheated on you, your second boyfriend “wasn’t exactly the happiest person”, your fourth boyfriend treated you well but you made (an unspecified) mistake that led to the ending of that relationship, and you left your fifth on-again, off-again “heart racing, butterfly feeling” boyfriend for your current, sixth boyfriend who was your best friend for a year previously.

    Your relationship with your current boyfriend is long distance.  This is what you wrote about him: “he’s the perfect match for me. We get along so well, we’re able to talk to each other about absolutely anything, we make each other happy.. I only want him and no  one else…I’ve had my mind set on the type of guy I’ve always wanted for awhile, and he’s exactly it. We’ve been best friends for over a year.. Everything about him is great, even his flaws. There isn’t anything to not love about him”.

    My input today:

    1. The heart racing, butterflies feeling for the fifth boyfriend may have been the result of the on-again-off-again nature of the relationship. The breakups and make-ups fueled the excitement that you experienced as heart racing and butterflies every time you  got back together. A stable relationship cannot provide you with that particular excitement.

    2. You made it very clear that your long time best friend/ current boyfriend is the right man for you.

    3. Here is your problem as I see it: “I was happy and felt so alive one day, and then the next day the question ‘Do I really love him?’ came into my mind and I haven’t felt the same since”-

    – you felt happy and alive and it scared you. That feeling of being “happy and .. so alive” is an excited emotional experience which resembles another excited emotional experience: fear. In both experiences the heart races, the felt body temperature goes up, we feel hot,  our breathing becomes shallow.

    For people who are very anxious, it is difficult to feel excited for any reason, doesn’t matter if it is a positive excitement or a negative excitement; all excitements are uncomfortable when they last for too long.

    With fifth boyfriend, the frequent breakups took care of the problem, of the excitement lasting too long. Sixth boyfriend: no  breakups-> the excitement lasts for too long-> you get very uncomfortable.

    Does this make sense to you?

    anita

     

    #323009

    Alina
    Participant

    Anita, I’m a little confused but I think I know what you’re getting at.

    #323011

    Alina
    Participant

    Valor, my boyfriend and I won’t really be able to see each other anytime soon sadly. Last we saw each other was last year when we were only friends. We didn’t talk much because we both had our own separate group of friends, but we were each other’s safe-place. If his friends we’re upsetting him, he’d hang out with me. If I was upset, mad, alone, etc, I’d hang out with him. We weren’t the closest, but we weren’t the furthest.

    After I moved, we were separated for awhile because he wasn’t able to be around for a couple of months. I didn’t think I cared that much for him, but when I saw his text, I cried and cried every month. It didn’t stop until he came back, that’s when we got really close and later got together.

    I do think as well that him not the relationship is why I’m having doubts. He is everything I’ve ever wanted, same with our relationship. All his flaws are great too, they make him who he is. What’s been bothering me lately is that these doubts have been getting to me more and more to where I’m starting to think I only like him as a friend, and what’s triggering that is that I don’t want him around as badly as I use to. I still want him around, always, but not as strongly of a want as before. I think maybe that’s because I’m use to the distance now? I’m not sure. Another reason is because I don’t think of our future as much as before. It comes around, but it isn’t on my mind as much. We still talk about it every day, we still want to live together, be dog parents, maybe start and actual family, and we talk about closer things like what we want to do when we can see each other.

    I do think it might have been because of past relationships that is causing me doubt because I haven’t been in such a well-going, easy relationship, especially not one with a best friend, or a good friend at all really.

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