I never really thought I had OCD, and I never obsessed over anything else, just this. I’ve obsessed over ex’s in a way when I was with them, but that’s all I can really think of.

I don’t really know what disassociations I’ve had. All I know is that I feel neutral towards him when I feel like I should feel deeply towards him, I feel normal and smile a little when he would send me long loving paragraphs when I feel as if I should feel more happier and loved knowing that I’ve wanted to be sent long loving paragraphs for years, when we talk about our future and things we want to do, I feel like I should feel a stronger physical feeling and happiness instead of only wanting it badly inside my head, and when he’s gone, I feel like I should miss him more than I really do.

I don’t know really

Hello! I’m sorry I haven’t been here in awhile, I started to feel better and I didn’t want to go online and look around and then find something that upset me and brought the doubts back so I took a break, but here’s my update.

My mom has been doing well now. She’s out of the hospital and doing fine. She still has bad kidneys and may have to get a transplant once her blood pressure gets at a normal level, but other than that she’s been doing good. She ended up going to an eye doctor and found out that she has been bleeding behind her eyes and that was why she has been having blurry vision and is now classified as legally blind, but, she has been getting a hold of it and gotten use to it quite easily. She can still proceed her normal life like she did just fine, the only change is not going to work because she can’t drive.

As for me, the doubts have been going away and the feelings are coming back. Tyson and I are really happy together too. We’ve had our fair share of complaining (I wouldn’t call it arguments because we never really directly said anything towards each other but rather just were both upset, said what was wrong, let it bother us for awhile and think of it, and then one of us would take the upper hand and help the other once we felt better), but other than that, we’ve been really happy. I got a long break off of school and that helped me a lot with the doubts since they originated in school.

The doubts are still around but I’ve gotten better at letting go of them and not letting them bother me, which also helps. I also talked to someone who had been in the same place as me and helped me be more sure about everything. And as said before, the break off of school helped me clear them away too.

Now, Tyson and I have been together for two months and in 21 days we’ll be together for three. I know three months isn’t long but it is a big accomplishment for me if we get there and past that knowing that my longest relationship, or, as said by you, crush, lasted for only two months and was a few days away from three.

I have been feeling more physical feelings and I’ve felt more sure about my feelings as well as I’ve felt more happy. Both Tyson and I are glad they’re going away and luckily they didn’t hurt our relationship badly in any ways. We have been able to talk to each other, be open, understand each other, love each other, joke with each other, and a lot more. He has helped me become the person I want to be and I really appreciate that.

Also, thank you so much for helping me with my doubts, and sorry if I was hard to help, once things carve into my mind it takes awhile to get out. I really appreciate it and it helped a lot, I definitely feel more sure and happy.

Hello, so, I’m back.. The doubts are coming back again, but I don’t know why. I know by now that there won’t always be a spark in a relationship and I know that the heart-racing isn’t always going to be there, but I still feel like I don’t love him. I don’t know why, I know I want to, but, I just feel like I don’t. In my chest, I feel like I don’t love him, and usually when him and I are talking, I’ll feel happy and in love, until the doubt comes around, then I realize how I’m feeling and it changes my mood. I don’t know why they keep coming around though.

Tyson is a really great guy. He’s understanding, he’s loving, he’s caring, he’s funny, he’s supportive, and a lot more. He’s almost exactly the type of guy I’ve always wanted. He makes me really happy and talking to him makes me feel better often. We have our fair share of arguments(They’re not really arguments, we never argue, but we both just have times to where we’ll be upset, complain about it, take some time to ourselves, and then we feel better). We share the same goals in a relationship and when we talk about a future, we both can agree on things. For example, we both want a German Shepherd, and when we get to see eachother in person, we want to just sit in a room together and cuddle while watching movies or playing games.

In my eyes, he’s perfect. He does have flaws and imperfections, but that makes him who he is, and I love it. He’s an upgrade from everyone I’ve ever been with. I trust him more than anyone, and he makes me really happy and makes me feel loved. There’s nothing to not love about him but.. I just keep doubting that I do, and I don’t want to. My mind says I love him, and I want to be with him, but my chest, or heart, says “you don’t love him” “Are you sure you love him? ” And then I think all over again about the no physical feelings, even though I’ve been feeling them more now.

My question is; Is there any way I can get rid of these doubts? He never did anything to change how I feel towards him, and our relationship is still exciting in it’s own ways. He’s almost exactly the type of guy I’ve wanted; Someone who can be hyper and funny, someone who can understand me, someone I can trust, someone I can go to for anything, someone who has the same goals as me, someone who wouldn’t judge me for things that interest me, someone I can joke with, someone who’s my best friend, someone who I knew for awhile, someone who puts effort into me, and more.

Update: Me and Tyson have been… Okay. We’ve been having a rough week because of school coming back and we’ve just been arguing a lot now, but we’ve gotten through it just fine, which is kinda what bothers me. While we were arguing, I knew I was upset and hurt, but on the outside, I felt fine. Nothing told me I was upset , and it worried me that I didn’t care, but I also thought that maybe I just calmed down, but I’m not sure. Other than that, Tyson and I have been really happy, or he has at least.

I can’t say that I’m sad about being with him, I’m not, I’m glad I’m with him and happy to be, but, it’s just me. The doubts won’t go away, at all, and it hurts. I’ll be okay, but then I start to hear “you don’t love him” And “are you sure you love him” In my head, and it’s really upsetting me. I know I can’t control my feelings, but I know what I want. I want to love him, I want to be with him. Out of everyone I’ve been with, he’s treated me the best and made me feel the most loved, but, I still feel almost nothing.

I know that I do love him in some way at least though. I always think of him and do things for him that I wouldn’t think of/do for just anyone, only him. The doubts just keep getting to me and they won’t go away. I’ve gotten better at letting go of them, but they always get me somehow.

I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want to lose him. I know that for a fact. I feel like this would be one of those you-don’t-know-you-love- someone-until-you-let-them-go type of things. I also feel like it may be what you were talking about too, how, maybe I don’t feel anything right now because it’s online, but will/would when/if I see him. I really hope so, because I know what I want when it comes to my feelings and him. I just wish the doubts would go away and I would be sure I’m in love. I really want to be, and I know I can’t control it, but… Yeah.

Other than that, I’ve been doing well and so has he. We’ve been having a good day today and been getting along. A lot of stuff has been getting better and I feel like we’re moving towards a bright relationship again.