Dear Josh:

I re-read all your posts on the two threads again this morning, incorporating the information from your recent post into the bigger picture in my mind. I will separate the following with #s and include quotes from your shares in parentheses:

1. Anxiety in childhood and disassociation: you witnessed your father physically abusing your mother (he “took a lot of anger out on my mother physically… I had witnessed that a few times. Physically and verbally. Occasionally we’d hear the physical violence going on in their bedroom”). It was a scary experience that repeated itself during your early childhood, before you were 8, the time your parents divorced.

The disassociation is about tuning down the volume, as you heard the violence in your childhood home, you turned down the volume, so to speak.

Fast forward, in your five year relationship, you didn’t “hear” the noise, that is, the troubles in the relationship for the longest time, until your ex girlfriend left you that note, being loud enough for you to hear. In that relationship you didn’t “hear” the bickering loud enough, you didn’t hear her dissatisfaction (“when she left the note saying she was staying at her parents for 6 weeks, it blindsided me… we were absolutely best friends, we’d bicker but NEVER fought…. There were weeks we’d go without a romantic kiss, and sex slowed down dramatically to the point of stopping. She wanted it, but I had no interest”).

2. Anger- your early life promise to not be like your father, to never get as angry as him, led you to turn down the volume of your own anger to a point that you are hardly aware of it, and so, you are missing the emotion that lets us, humans, know when there is something wrong that needs to be addressed, this is how you missed your ex girlfriend’s dissatisfaction, not being aware of it until she left you, and it is the reason why you are too agreeable and not assertive (“at a young age-maybe about 10-after seeing my dad physically assaulting his new girlfriend, after me and my sister ran and hid, I promised my sister then that I’d never turn out like my dad, and never get as angry as him. I remember it very vividly.. to be anything like my father was dangerous… I’m very agreeable. And I’m not assertive at all”).

3. Aloneness- you were very much alone as a child, not starting grade 7 when you were taken out of public school, but before. When you heard the violence between your parents, there was no parent there Together with you, comforting you.  When your father assaulted his new girlfriend, there was no parent Together with you, comforting you.

At home, living with your mother, she worked many hours, not available to be Together with you. And then, being taken out of public school, you were alone in other ways, no peers Together with you.

And so, on one hand you prefer being alone, you are used to it, it is easier, but on the other hand, you never outgrew the need to be Together, this need in you is intense (“I tend to be a homebody and sit at home a lot even during that weekends.. I’m extremely introverted, very shy, and don’t get out very much.. I DO have a tendency to fall hard and quick.. why after a single date am I having such intense and emotional feelings… What’s been putting me on the brink of crying these days is the thought that she’s gone. ‘She’, being someone that didn’t mean much to me to begin with… I still find that I grow unreasonably attached to women that show interest in me, at unreasonable paces”)

A thought about the kind of woman who will be right for you: it is very important that the woman in your life, who will be in your life, in a romantic relationship, will be honest and assertive, one who will tell you very clearly (loud enough, so to speak) what she feels and what she wants, and yet she needs to be not aggressive.

You are welcome to give me your feedback on what I suggested here, in this post.

anita

Dear Josh:

You’ve been alone for a long time before this one date we are discussing, 2.5 years if I remember correctly? A long time of not having a together-experience with a woman. Then you have one date but it is a long, long date. You meet in a restaurant, then spend some time outside of the restaurant and then you go to your place, your home. During this long date she talks excitedly about plans she has with you, a bucket list of things to do, and that makes you feel good. In your place you play the guitar and she sings and then you have physical/ sexual closeness with her. It is a whole relationship condensed into one night. This is very different from the second date you had of spending a short time in one location, a restaurant and then going home alone.

This was an intense emotional experience for you, a together kind of experience, together with a woman. Now you are grieving the separation. It was “just that one night with her” but it was a long and meaningful night to you.

“I hadn’t expected at all that this girl would have such an effect on me”- the affect and effect she has on you has to do with her excitement during dinner and afterwards, her plans of being with you long term (that bucket list), so you imagined in your mind a long term relationship with her, a “this is it” possibility. You got all excited and hopeful yourself.

It really doesn’t matter that it was only one night, what matters as it relates to the pain of separation and rejection that you are experiencing is that you imagined it would be long term, you perceived it a likely possibility.

Can you tell me how it felt for you as a child, if you remember, to be together with your family, with your mother and/ or father, at times, when all were calm and seemed happy, that good the-sun-is-shining-and-the-flowers-are-blooming, all-is-well and no-worries kind of feeling?

anita

Dear Josh:

I will read and reply to your recent post when I am back to the computer in about 12 hours.

anita