Here’s my situation (I care enough about my recent ex to create an account and post here as I think this topic has a lot of useful information in it!)

Relevant factors: I’m a male (38) dating a female (30), so a bit of an age gap. We are both newly dating as divorcees, both were divorced around 1.5 years ago. She has two small children and a job, so as a single mother she is always very busy.

We have dated around 4 months. It was very hot and very fast. To the point that I was curious if I was just a rebound to her. It felt like we had both known each other forever with personalities and senses of humor that meshed really well. Outside of one vacation and a couple other random nights she was free, we saw each other at least every Tuesday the last 4 months. Movie dates, dinner dates, or sometimes just make dinner in and chill. She did talk of me to her parents and siblings. Constant contact all day every day the entire 4 months: multiple forms of media, all initiated by her. Then last week, the dreaded break up text out of the blue. No call, no talk. “I can’t commit to someone else at this time, it’s not fair that I can’t see you more than once(ish) per week, we’re in different stages of life, I’m always here if you need something, it’s nothing you did and there’s no one else, I think you’re a great person, I’d like to stay in touch.” Sort of a “it’s not you it’s me” approach. It had seemed like in the week before the texting had lessened a bit – I know the comment is always the dumper always knows about this way before the dumpee, but I could tell there was a change. I had assumed she could have been busy working 50 hours a week. This obviously blindsided me a bit, especially having it all come via text…enter age gap joke here. I couldn’t help but think there was maybe more to the story – maybe someone else – and she was just trying to make me feel better about myself. Like there’s no way she’s just never going to date people because she has kids. Someone in her stage of life (single dad) would have much less time than someone like me without kids…I can meet with her whenever she wants.

We had talked about futures together, holidays, trips/vacations, what it would take to get married again, who would handle which household tasks, all kinds of things. It felt serious.

Reading a lot of these replies has been very helpful. I believe she has an avoidant insecure attachment. She admitted to having ADD. She has shared stories that would put her in the “daddy issues” category. Her father was always a part of her life, but was gone a lot. Later on it was discovered that he had a long-term affair. This led to her parents divorcing, then reconciling. All within the last couple years. She has also said there have been times in her life in which her, her sister, and her mom wouldn’t talk to her father for months…and potentially over major holidays. I feel like that’s also very relevant here.

It just blows my mind that things can go from hot-and-heavy, seemingly almost too much contact, words and actions of affection and long-term potential, to nothing at all without any other external factors. I can’t wrap my head around it, but based on this feed I can see this does happen.

I plan to give her space – it was REALLY hard the first couple days to not reach out since the idea of sending 50 messages to her every day (like the previous 120 days) felt innate at this point. I can’t imagine this doesn’t feel eerily weird to her as well. When she has her kids she’s probably very busy, but when she doesn’t she has to notice the gap in her life. She also has a much larger family/friend support group than I do, which may allow her to keep her mind busier than mine. My goal is to continue to work on myself while giving her some space. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care if she ever reached back out to me – at this point, I’m still hoping 2-4 weeks out she’ll realize she misses me and wants to reconnect. I also know that may never happen.

I believe it’s not the length of the relationship that matters, but the depth. I feel almost ridiculous saying a 4-month relationship was so deep, but this one hit differently in my heart for whatever reason.

I think that is all for now. Happy to share more info as needed.

TYIA

Hi Dave

I’m sorry to hear about the break up. Perhaps the depth of the relationship at 4 months led to the break up? Sometimes these things moving so quickly means that a decision needs to be made because if a decision isn’t made it means that you are leading the other person on. For whatever reason, she was not ready to continue the relationship. Perhaps she was trying to be kind by letting you down now, as opposed to later. Perhaps she was being honest in that it was nothing that you did. Perhaps she was just acting on her own feelings?

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Thanks for this thread, a lot of the inputs from people resonated with me as my now ex ‘suddenly lost her feelings’ for me after almost a year of a long distance and a matter of two months before she was moving to my country.

We met in the country I had lived for six years but I suddenly had to move two months into getting to know her. We got along well and it was decided a few months in that she’d be moving to my country to start a new life. We travelled to see each other and every time we were together we got along like neither of us had got along with anyone before. We were both smitten.

She is admittedly avoidant, as am I at times, but we showed no initial signs of that. We both made an incredible effort to FaceTime and to maintain contact. She wanted to live together. Saw a future together. But on a trip to her home country her feelings apparently changed over night and she didn’t know why.

After a few months of on and off, she decided it was down to trust. She had been on my phone months prior and saw I’d kept contact with some girls from the country we’d met, albeit fleetingly and despite there being no ‘smoking gun’, it was enough to fester into an apparent distrust. From my perspective something which would resolve living in the same country, and something we could work on. To her it was enough to ‘change how she felt’. She ended things a month before moving to my home city.

She has had trauma as a child (as had I) and had to almost support herself from sixteen years old. Her ex also cheated on her after a four year relationship and suddenly moved out. For me I had also avoided being in a relationship for a number of years, however, when she came along, she was absolutely the one for me. It felt like love at first sight for us both.

Can I help resolve the situation? We absolitrly loved each other and seemingly wanted the same things. We were incredibly attracted to each other and intimacy was never an issue. Am I putting too much emphasis on her avoidant personality or are we done?

It’s been a month of no contact, but do I initiate something now she’s living in the same city? Or do I give her space to settle and reflect? She puts on a hard exterior but I know she has her vulnerabilities inside and I want to be there for her. The trust side does feel like a bit of an excuse, but if genuine is something I would willingly work on to make her feel more comfortable. 

Hi, ik this thread is old but im desperate. Ive known my bf for 3 years and since meeting him we clicked. I wanted him first platonically. Than i felt romantic towards him but it was something else than before. He since then felt like my soulmate, my best friend and my lover. I’ve always had troubles expressing my emotions, from sadness to the romantic ones. I knew he feels what i feel towards him. We talked every day, about everything. He told me how he feels and it paralyzed me. I was suddenly scared of the romantic feelings, being open, expressing what i feel and becoming vulnerable so i told him that i dont want to be with him and that a relationship discusts me. I didn’t want to loose the friendship mainly as i thought that romance is artificial and fake. A year passed and there was not a day when i haven’t thought about him. We still talked everyday. I knew i like him that way. He still tried to persuade into the relationship and into trying to let go of the fear. With time i fell in love with him but was still repulsed by the thought of a relationship. I worked on myself and finally agreed to be with him. We’re together for almost a year now. Nwver been happier, never felt more loved and never loved more. He was my sun my moon and my stars ever since. We hung out whenever we could, ge brang me comfort, security and love, also being my best best friend. Oh my god i love him. I did obsess over loosing him tho, over him getting hurt, failing at school, being depressed etc. I really drain myself with those thoughts still, because i never cared about something as much as i do about this boy. Hes so caring and genuine and hes just my person. And then one evening when we we’re laying together i had a thought “i dont love him” which caused me panick, not getting out of bed for 2 days, pannick attacks, lack of energy and motivation. And mostly being terrified of loosing my love. Its going on for 3 weeks and im petrified. My head knows i love him and want no one but him. Hes trurly a dream. But im so anxious bc of the constant thought of doubt wether i love him. i dont feel like myself, i cant function. I just want it over. Im so so so scared. I just feel disconnected and petrified. What do i do? I dont want to break up and i want him forever by my side but i want the feeling of peace and calmness back. I dont feel repulsed by him. i still want to kiss him, i still want to hang out. But this paralizing feeling wont go away. Im so scared. I dont know what’s happening and i wanna be as relaxed and feel deeply in love as i did before that sudden change. Help…

Dear Martyna:

(I am adding the boldface feature to this quote): “He told me how he feels and it paralyzed me. I was suddenly scared of the romantic feelings, being open, expressing what I feel and becoming vulnerable so I told him… A year passed… We’re together for almost a year now… he brings me comfort, security and love, also being my best, best friend. Oh my god I love him. I did obsess over losing him though, over him getting hurt, failing at school, being depressed etc. I really drain myself with those thoughts… And then one evening when we we’re laying together, I had a thought ‘I don’t love him’ which caused me panic… He’s truly a dream. But I’m so anxious bc of the constant thought of doubt whether I love him… this paralyzing feeling wont go away. I’m so scared… Help..”-

-I boldface expressions of fear. It is natural, when a person gets too fearful, to emotionally detach oneself from one’s emotions. It’s a normal defense mechanism aimed at protecting oneself from potential hurt. It is also understandable to get scared when emotions shift randomly and suddenly (I am referring to the title of this thread).

Seems to me that before meeting your boyfriend, while you were growing up, loving someone (a parent perhaps, a family member..?), being vulnerable to that person,  became a hurtful, painful experience for you, and you are afraid to re-experience this hurt and pain in a romantic context.

Maybe someone you loved returned your love with rejection.. anger, betrayal of some sort? Maybe someone you loved (falsely) accused you of hurting them? If so, it will take addressing that earlier situation and resolving the emotions involved, as much as is possible for you.

Please don’t blame yourself for how you feel. It is not your fault that you feel what you feel, or that you don’t feel what you don’t feel. What you feel is not a matter of choice. And there is a valid message behind what you feel (example of such a message: I don’t want him to hurt me, or I don’t want to hurt him). I hope that you feel calmer very soon, and I hope to read more from you (I will be away from the computer for quite a few hours and will be back later).

anita

Hi Jack

I’m sorry to hear about the relationship difficulties you are going through and being no contact.

Since she has asked for no contact and not replied to your last contact and unfollowed you I would respect her wishes.

The thing is that long distant relationships very rarely work out. And what is especially important during the long distance period is trust. She didn’t like that you were talking to other women and lost trust in you. Without trust there is no future.

Long distance is a lot of fun when you meet up. But being in a long distance relationship is hard when you’re not together.

Dating long distance isn’t ideal for a lot of people for many reasons when you could just have a relationship with someone local.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Dear Jasel:

You are very welcome. “Family live a short flight away (an hour), but she can find that situation a little claustrophobic… she also unfollowed me on Instagram and didn’t respond to a ‘check in’ text I sent a few weeks after the break…“- feeling claustrophobic/ trapped when in contact with her family=> feeling claustrophobic/ trapped (from one point on) when in contact with you=> ending contact with you/ exiting the felt- trap (?)

“It’s a situation where I want the best for her and if that’s not with me, so be it. But if there is even the smallest chance I can make it work with her, I’d like the opportunity to“- if the dynamic I pointed to above is true, then there is nothing you can do about it, being that this dynamic was established before she ever met you.

I asked about social support available to her in the new city because if she had no support, no friends, she’d be more likely to welcome contact with you. But she has a couple of old friends in the city and social interactions at work.

In your first post five days ago, you shared that she had been on your phone months prior, and saw that you kept contact with some girls from the country where you’d met, but there was “no ‘smoking gun’”- no smoking gun= no clear, undeniable evidence of guilt on your part. I am wondering if your definition of smoking gun is different from hers, and if a significant difference in definitions can explain some of what happened..?

anita

Dear Agathe

So the honeymoon period has worn off. Love is more than the heady excitement of the initial period.
Grasping & attachment bring suffering & so does aversion.
Stress releases chemicals into your body & brain and these effects can last longer than one thinks, so although the source of your stress has departed, the side effects have not.

So what good qualities does your boyfriend have? Remembering them & having gratitude will help refresh your heart.
Thinking and implementing doing something nice for him without worrying about the outcome.
I am sure the rest of the group will come up with something.
Kind regards
Roberta