Hey Confused:

You asked earlier:

“Why don’t I have emotional permanence?”-

It makes sense to me that your feelings show up strongly when you’re close to her — in person or on videocall — and then go quiet when the moment passes. For someone who grew up in a chaotic home, feelings often come in bursts of intensity and then disappear.

It’s not that the feelings weren’t real. It’s that your system learned to “turn the volume down” when things feel too big or too close. That’s not wrong — it’s just how you learned to cope.

And you also asked:

“Could I be avoiding the emotions ending things would bring? But if that’s what I wanted, why doesn’t this thought bring me peace?”-

I think the reason the thought doesn’t bring you peace is because you don’t actually want to lose her. Even when your feelings go quiet, you still care.

You’re confused, not indifferent.

Ending things would bring its own kind of pain, and your mind knows that. So, of course the idea doesn’t feel peaceful.

Both of these things — the fading of feelings and the fear of ending things — make sense when someone has had to protect themselves emotionally for a long time. None of it means you’re doing something wrong.

🌿Anita