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I need advice please…

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  • August 21, 2018 at 6:07 pm #222451
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hello, I have been in a relationship with a man for 4 1/2 years and 3 years living together. I moved to Florida from Chicago to be with him and start a life with him. 1 month ago I found out he had cheated on me with multiple women. He was calling chatlines and old girlfriends and basically lying to them and saying he wanted to be with them and have kids and a future with them. I completely freaked out after 3 days of finding out new information and having him lie to me. I was very verbally abusive during the situation and even physical. I gathered all my belongings from our home besides furniture and filled up my car and left back home to Chicago. I now regret making such an impulsive decision because he begged and pleaded for me to stay. And now I will never know what could have happened if I stayed. So for the last month I have been calling and texting like an emotional mess. I also asked why we couldn’t make it work even though I left. His response is that we need healing personally before we can think about being in a relationship again. He says he needs time to work on himself and forgive himself and me for things during the relationship. He says I also need time for healing and to find myself again. I feel like the things he is saying are absolutely true but I am so afraid to let go. I wonder if he is with these other women or if he even wants to get back together. I know you may be wondering why I would want to get back together after he cheated. I am aware of my shortcomings in the relationship. I was verbally abusive and an emotional wreck during our time together. I completely relied on him for my happiness. I put so much pressure on him and he says he tried so hard but couldn’t handle it. I feel so bad about the things I have done. I wish I could do it all differently. I love him so much and want a future with him. I know it will be hard to build trust again but I am willing to work at it. I just can’t seem to let go. He said we need time apart to heal and he is frustrated with me calling and continuing to blame him because I cant accept the cheating. He is right but I feel like if I let go we could lose our relationship. I feel like its impossible for me to let go. I hate wondering what will happen and if he will miss me enough to come searching. Please help with any advice. I am afraid to lose him but still so hurt from what he did and how I reacted.

     

    Thanks

    August 21, 2018 at 8:08 pm #222457
    Gabriela
    Participant

    I have been through a similar situation with my partner. Sometimes the best thing for both of you is time even if you see other people during this time apart it may end up teaching you both a lesson and realizing you want each other. I would try to spend time with yourself, meditate, do yoga, spend time outside and with friends and family. Knowing about their other partners makes it so hard but everything happens for a reason and maybe the reason is the lesson he needs to learn from his actions. I spent about 6 months apart from my boyfriend after him cheating and we both were with other people during this time. It is still hard for us at times to know we were both with other people but it makes us realize how lucky we are to be able to find our way back to each other and slowly build trust within our relationship. I know we both still have bad thoughts about it and feel like giving up but the love you will share will come before that. Give yourself time, give him time, and try to understand who you are without someone else. I would strongly recommend downloading the app, SimpleHabit which gives you 5-30 min mediations for literally any situation and feelings you could think of! Try it! I wish you the best of luck and hope for happiness in your future.

    Gabriela

    August 22, 2018 at 8:46 am #222537
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Nichole,

    I would:

    1. Give it a year. Tell him you ARE (not “will”, ARE) dating other people. That he should do the same (as he obviously is now anyway). Tell him to please not bug you for at least a year.

    2. At the end of that year contact each other (if you’ll even want to).

    3. HE can move to Chicago to be with YOU this time! (This will be the real Test to see how he REALLY feels!)

    4. Now that he is local to YOU, DON’T let him move in with you! That is how he got lazy and took you for granted/for a fool. This too is a test of his seriousness! After a year of being in a conventional relationship maybe there is a future there.

    Obviously this may never work, but if all these things fall into place he will have redeemed himself.

    Best,

    Inky

    August 22, 2018 at 9:01 am #222541
    Mark
    Participant

    Nichole,

    I was very verbally abusive during the situation and even physical
    He says he needs time to work on himself and forgive himself and me for things during the relationship. He says I also need time for healing and to find myself again
    I completely relied on him for my happiness.

    I did not read how you have worked on yourself once you left him.  I did not read what guarantees he has made not to cheat again.

    Until both of you have made a commitment to change and actively engage in the process of changing then what makes you think it will be any different?

    Find a therapist and start making changes to learn more about yourself and how to be healthier.

    Mark

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