Dear dreaming715,

When we look to others to tell us how good we are, we are setting ourselves for disappointment. Every single person is unique with their own individuality. There is no one else in the entire universe like you. When we live our life giving it the best that we can, then we no longer need validation from others.

How do you feel yourself when you are possibly putting yourself down when you compare yourself to the people who have “published writing, a high earning career, a highly advanced yoga practice, someone who volunteers every single week, and someone who looks amazing”?

Instead think how you would feel when you focused on the good that is in you. Can you feel the glow when you do that?

The key to contentment is in the aspects of life that you have complete control over. It is in mindfulness, where every step we take we give our best.

Best wishes for being the best “you”

Take care

Hi Dear dreaming715

There is a lot of cognitive dissonance and distortion in the stories you are telling yourself. The good news is that no drugs are required to make these distortions conscious.

I would suggest starting a practice of mindfulness and noticing when and where you start to label yourself, positively or negatively. The task here is just to notice and not to judge and label yourself based on what you notice, which will just feed on its self.  There are allot of helpful articles on the site just google tinybudda mindfulness

One of the tasks of individuation is coming to terms with the mother complex. The complex may touch on your experiences with your mother however is really about coming to terms with the mother archetype and taking ownership of how you nurture yourself.

Based on your post your relationship to your “inner mother” is that as ‘the step mother’, an inner voice always telling you that you’re not good enough.  Your task is to heed the call of the hero’s journey and confront the step mother.  I recommend the book ‘Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype’  by Clarissa Pinkola Estés as a guide

Imagine how quite your mind might become when it no longer attaches it self to comparisons, labels, shoulds and if only’s.

Stopping Comparisons: Reclaim Reality and Raise Your Self-Esteem

Sorry that you’re struggling with never feeling good enough, Dreaming715. I can relate, having experienced it for a part of my life.

We do live in this society that thrives on perfection. From a young age, we learn what we should be and do x to be accepted and live a good life. When people don’t measure up to said standards, they wonder “What’s wrong with me”. This conclusion is fair since the amount of people who tell you that you’re good compared to the others who are apathetic and dispassionate is insane. Even the ones who seem “perfect” and happy deal with some sort of rejection.

I’ll be honest, even after accepting all of my flaws, I view myself as a deviant of sorts in this society since I learned not care about what others think of me and I am usually considered the friend who does the craziest stuff. I guess you can say I went from self loathing to being shameless. But anyways, accept who you are right now. Focus on your postitive qualities. Know that you make a difference in today’s society by being a friend, being a family member, and being the person who kicks butt at work. When you hear that voice in your head who says “You’re not good enough”, remember your good qualities and push those bad thoughts away. Who cares about society’s standards? Do your own thing and validate yourself. It is hard at first to develop this new attitude but in the long run, it is definitely worth it. As Willam Ernest Henley wrote in Invictus, ” I am the master of my fate I am the captain of my soul”.

Hey Dreaming 715, thanks for sharing! I can definitely relate to what you’re saying. I feel very fortunate to have a good support system and family in place, especially a girlfriend who accepts me for who I am regardless of if I do. It seems like you have good practices in mind, and I trust that you have been making plans to try to work toward your goals.

I think the most important thing to realize is that your identity and worth are not defined by your work, income, physical shape, etc. One thing that I have been doing is every time I feel negative thoughts or internal spinning, I just write down how I feel in that exact moment and what causes me to feel that way. For example, if I’m stressed about a bad grade or performance at my job, I would write down something like “I feel stressed because I have a deadline soon and I need to do well on X.” I began to talk out loud with myself to figure out the root of my stress and unhappiness and what is contributing to the feeling.

This isn’t a scientifically based practice, but what really spoke to me was how we often spin, stress about things, and let thoughts and shame linger in our minds. When I put those words on paper or speak them out loud, I was usually able to calm myself down and give myself perspective after thinking things through. My words and negative thoughts had less and less power over me. Talking about positive experiences and things happening in my life even in the midst of pursuing your goals and working on your weaknesses usually gave me the perspective and calm internal mood to keep going and working better.

I would give it a shot and see how it works out. Self-love and accepting oneself is an action, and thus requires practice. So be patient with yourself along the process. I believe you and hope you realize you are good enough just as you are!