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I thought he was my forever til the end

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  • November 10, 2020 at 9:49 am #368913
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I do understand what you are saying.  I do have an emotional attachment to him, and I thought he did to me.  I thought he was the love of my life, and he felt the same.  Things were very different before this past year.

    One thing I wrote in my journal this morning is that I don’t want to live the rest of my life alone (not meaning that he is the one I would spend my life with).  After such an abusive marriage, to have had the relationship  I had before this past year, I thought I  was just suppose to be alone.  But, it scares me to not have the connection, a partner to share things with.  Before this “break” we talked to each other many times a day.  The “good morning” text at 4 am; he’d call me on his way to work at 6 am; text me during this lunch break at noon; call me on his way home from work, then we would talk before going to bed.  So it makes what we’re going through now so unreal (there’s that breathing in of reality).

    For about 4 years our relationship was so easy.  That changed when he learned of this guy from high school.

    I am working on me with my therapist. I know I deserve better, but was hoping he would get better to be the better that I deserve.

    Katie

    November 10, 2020 at 10:00 am #368914
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    I understand your sadness about the loss of his previous positive, attentive presence in your life- sadness is a response to perceived loss.

    But fear is about danger, and I am trying to figure out what is the perceived danger in the loss of his presence in your life.

    I imagine it is a re-experiencing of being alone, as a young child- physically alone, or emotionally alone.

    For a young child, it instinctively feels dangerous to be alone, just as it is for other young animals: alone, the young cannot feed herself or protect herself from predators.

    anita

    November 10, 2020 at 12:01 pm #368926
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I believe it could be the perceived danger of being alone.  No one to bounce things off of; no one to hold me when I need a hug because other parts of my life feel messy (like dealing with my daughter’s PTSD).

    But, as I have said in my long ago past about my ex alcoholic abusive spouse, I would rather be alone than be abused.

    I guess I never thought I’d be back where I came from.  Which is so unbelievable to me, that I am hoping for his change to what he was before this past year.  But I’m also not forgetting what this past year was.

    Katie

    November 10, 2020 at 1:07 pm #368930
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    I understand your fear of being alone with all the life challenges you are facing and have faced for so long. In addressing the nature of the fear, my hope is that if you thoroughly understand, emotionally and deeply understand that

    (a) You were emotionally alone for many long years while married, and that you were alone otherwise after you were no longer married, and alone again in the last year, and

    (b) You survived alone, kept your employment, doing as well as you do

    – then you will no longer be afraid of being alone, as being alone did not kill you and will not kill you. It takes more than intellectual/surface level understanding of this truth, it takes emotional/ deep understanding.

    anita

    November 10, 2020 at 1:35 pm #368933
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You are correct….I was alone during my marriage for years.  Raised my children on my own.  And, I was alone after the ex died.  At that point in my life, those years of being alone after he died, I felt like I was in a good place.  Then, after 2 years, I friended my boyfriend on Facebook.

    Maybe one day I will be back in that good place I was in years ago.  Emotionally I’m just not there yet and don’t know how long it will take to get there.  But every day is a challenge to just get out of bed and start a new day, but I do it.

    My emotions are like a roller coaster….yesterday I was so down and felt like I couldn’t pick myself back up.  Today I felt better, and felt stronger.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring.  My entire life I have just wanted peace.

    Katie

    November 10, 2020 at 2:01 pm #368934
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    It is interesting, how feelings change in intensity. Good you feel better today, and you may feel even better tomorrow.

    When your ex died you felt relief because the abuse stopped; the current man- it was good for a while and then you lost that good part, so no relief this time.. except that the last part of the relationship was bad, some abuse started, verbal.. his passive aggressive behavior.

    No relief this time because the abuse wasn’t as bad as what you experienced during your marriage?

    (I will soon be away from the computer for a while)

    anita

    November 10, 2020 at 5:20 pm #368948
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    The abuse definitely was not as bad as it was during my marriage.  During my marriage there was verbal, emotional, physical, financial…you name it.  All except sexual….because that was not going to happen!  He was not passive aggressive…simply aggressive.   I lived in constant fear.  Fear that he would kill me or harm one of my children just to hurt me.  It’s a long story, but I waited until my daughter was 12 before I filed for divorce, so that she would not have to spend weekends alone with him.  My son was already in college (there’s a 9 year gap between them).  My daughter slept in my bedroom with me and the door was always locked.  We lived in my bedroom, which thankfully had its own bathroom.  I was a stay at home mom before starting to work 9 years ago.  I had everything planned out and always had a safety plan in place.  But, before the divorce was final, he died.  That was in 2012.

    The passive aggressive behavior from my boyfriend, as you know, is abusive.  And of course the verbal abuse really shocked me, so much that the first encounter left me literally speechless.  I just started at him in disbelief.  It’s was like someone I didn’t know was standing in front of me.  I thought “where’s (name)? Who is this?”  It was like he flicked a switch.

    He knows the behavior was/is inappropriate, which is where the therapy is suppose to come into play.  But, from my experienced past, I know “I’m sorry” can be said only so many times.

    I long for the man I knew a few years ago.  But if he is no longer there, I don’t want the one the lives inside him now.  I hope that man from a few years ago returns.

    Thank you for always responding.  It does help a great deal.

    Katie

    November 10, 2020 at 5:46 pm #368950
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    You are very welcome and it is a pleasure to communicate with you! I am not focused enough to attentively read and reply,  so I better be back to your thread tomorrow morning, in about 13 hours from now. I hope you have a good night.

    anita

    November 11, 2020 at 7:20 am #369013
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    I understand the relief, when he died- I wish there was a way to remove him from your lives way earlier. In comparison, the current man’s abuse seems not so bad, but sounds like whatever he said to you, the verbal abuse you mentioned, was quite severe. I wonder what he said, is it okay for you to tell me approximately, if not precisely, what he said to you?

    I am asking because it may be important to my understanding of him/ the relationship, now on a break.

    anita

    November 11, 2020 at 7:38 am #369014
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    The first slam that left me speechless was he wanted to know how many guys I was with and what I did with each.  I’m not using his words because they were vulgar.  He was very angry when he said this.  That was the beginning of the year from hell.

    When I go back to that beginning with him, he doesn’t remember what he said.  He actually looked shocked that he said such a vulgar thing to me.  I of course was quick to bring up that he can’t recall such a vulgar statement from, at that time, 6 months ago, but I’m supposed to remember a traumatic encounter with the high school guy from 40 years ago?

    Today he reached out to me in the morning telling me his therapy yesterday was about love and respect.  I think it was probably a good session for him to have had.  No mention of the past again.

    Katie

    November 11, 2020 at 7:55 am #369015
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    You made an excellent point to him, that he expects you to remember a traumatic encounter you had 40 years ago while he can’t (?) remember what he said to you six months ago. But I doubt he was as impressed with this point as I am.

    I can see that indeed, a therapy session “about love and respect” is what he desperately needs.

    “he wanted to know how many guys I was with and what I did with each.. his words.. were vulgar. He was very angry”- that’s the high-school boy that he was, fantasizing about having sex with girls, and so very angry that others get to have sex and he doesn’t. Day after day, night after night for what felt like an eternity for him,  he wants it and doesn’t get it and he is angry at those who do.

    All that anger- fast forward- he unleashed it at you, releasing that angry energy that’s so strong in him.

    Good thing he didn’t mention the past, maybe it’s his therapist instruction.. You wrote earlier that he chose this particular therapist, a woman, because he felt comfortable with her before, when he attended couple therapy.. he must see her as a non-sexual woman, and therefore he is not angry at her.

    anita

     

    November 11, 2020 at 8:42 am #369016
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I must say that when he talks about this high school guy, he sounds very immature, like he is back in high school.  He would say things like, “You must have made a nice couple, both of you with long blond hair.” (Of course these things were said with a nasty tone, not a matter of fact tone.)  His brain does go back to being a teenager.  But, of course, these things were insensitive, knowing, but perhaps not believing, that my encounter with the guy was a trauma.

    My sister is very quick to say to me “Do you want a relationship with a man or a boy? Because he’s acting like a child.”

    I of course try to be more understanding of his OCD and issues.  There is something called “retroactive jealously OCD” which is him to a T.  And, it’s amazing how many men/women suffer from it.

    Again, thank you,

    Katie

    November 11, 2020 at 9:12 am #369022
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    You are welcome. To add to what your sister told you, he acted like an angry, disturbed child, and that’s different from just acting like a child. Acting like a child sounds almost harmless, if the child is young enough, but a grown man when very angry can be dangerous, lots more body weight to go with the anger.

    anita

    November 11, 2020 at 9:30 am #369024
    Katie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    That is true…a grown man acting like an angry disturbed child can be dangerous.  Not just physically, but emotionally.  A child is still learning right from wrong, what’s appropriate to say and what is not.  A man should know the difference between right and wrong.

    My boyfriend has never been physically aggressive with me, actually quite the opposite.  When we were together he was very gentle and loving.  When the OCD began to play the movies, his words became ugly and abusive.

    Katie

    November 11, 2020 at 10:05 am #369031
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katie:

    “When the OCD began to play the movies, his words became ugly and abusive”. You wrote earlier that there is something called “retroactive jealousy OCD”, and it fits him to a T. As far as OCD goes, there are a few non-professional prefixes to OCD. Two examples are ROCD, standing for Relationship OCD (obsessing over: do I  love him? do I not love him?), and HOCD, standing for Homosexual OCD (obsessing over: am I homosexual?).

    It is possible to suffer from OCD and to not abuse the person associated with his obsession. It is about regulating one’s emotions. For example, when he feels angry at you, he can say to himself: I am feeling angry, rule #1- do not harm her, say nothing offensive. Next, he says to you out loud: I need to take a walk outside. Do you want something from the store? Then he leaves, takes as long a walk as he needs, using it as time-out, take in some refreshing cold air. If he is still angry, he can take a long hot shower, see if that helps.

    anita

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