i was not doing too well for a while. even had a plan to end my life in may. but then i got on track, went to therapy twice a week, moved away from home toxicity. i moved across the country. and immediately was so much happier. the depression, suicidal thoughts? all gone. even though i moved without knowing anyone here, i was happier. however, my anxiety always finds its way in. making each day so difficult to live. and recently, i find myself decompensating. the anxiety is taking over.

1. i am having a really hard time at work – finding motivation at work. i have no desire to try. and its an exhausting feeling because i want to try and i know that i can be great – but it is not within me. i push myself so much to find it. where is it.

2. my entire work day is consumed with anxiety. the morning goes ok, but after lunch around 1:30 pm – i cannot stand it at work. yes no one can. no one wants to be there – but for me its different. i feel like i need to jump out of my skin. i feel so restless, overwhelmed, tired, bored, angry. i cannot handle it. i want to explode. it is such an exhausting feeling to go through on a daily basis. to the point where now im also kind of scared of that time – bc i know what is to come

3. i am not a drinker. i only drink socially with friends. yesterday, my friend and i made plans for a brunch where we had unlimited mimosas. day started out fine – fun girl time and drinks. then without realizing we both got drunk – which is fine. i know how to handle myself. but i was different yesterday. something happened to me. first – i texted many people very blunt and rash things that were what seemed to be totally random. i read them this morning and think…what the hell was i doing.

4. let’s back track a little – i started dating this boy – lets call him Y. It happened kind of by mistake. I do not think i am completely ready to date or am completely stable – but how can you really know when you are anyway (that’s a topic for another day). Anyway, me and Y ended up getting along and have seen each other quite a few times. all is well.  BOOM. my anxiety takes over. i fear this feeling that someone has control over me now bc i like them. i have never felt adequate enough in life bc the way i have been raised and also how men have treated me in relationships. my anxiety about this boy drives me insane and does not let me focus on anything else. THIS. this is probably why i should not meet someone right now, but fine, life happens.

5. yesterday, after brunch, my friend, her friend, and i all went drunk swimming. i told them about Y and we decided to tell him to come (of course). i was so excited for him to come. so very excited. however, the moment he came, i ignored him entirely. i did not say hi and didnt speak to him once or look at him once the entire evening. i know what my inner self is doing. its scared. its pushing him away. it doesnt know how to behave. but HOW ABNORMAL. and then he dropped me home and i was so rude to him and just told him to drop me on the street–why? why was i yelling at him for no reason? he had done nothing that day to me. we then had a convo on the phone – this entire part is a little fuzzy – and he basically said he doenst want something like this in his life and he doenst know if he can do it. BOOM. my fight turns on. i see myself, standing outside my parking garage, begging someone  who i just met to give me a second chance. i have played this pattern many times. i find myself opening up my heart saying all these personal things and telling Y that this isnt who i am and he just needs to hear me out. he even came back and i refused to get in the car. i am doing all of this to myself. i dont want the conclusion of what happens but i make it happen on purpose and then feel like death after. he then agreed to meet me at a local place. i went, and could not look him in the eye. the conclusion of the meeting is – “i want to see you later this week, but i need some time to think right now”. those words kill me.

Today, I wake up and am unable to move or function. it was the final trigger. i am shaking. crying. i call out of work. contact my therapist and make an appointment for today. i dont know what is happening..i thought i was better. this is such a scary feeling right now. i do not even know what to do. how to be. how to think. how to walk. how to function. how to go brush my teeth. i just cant. i am just so scared. i cannot move. i feel confused and angry. idk how to fix this. why did i act so crazy yesterday. why did i let Y or anyone see this side of me. whats wrong with me