January 28, 2024 at 9:31 am #427331
I’m currently facing a dilemma in choosing the best options for my mother, myself, and others in our household. Allow me to provide some background information. My name is Sunoo, I’m 23 years old, and I will soon begin an internship in March. My mother is 60 years old, and I have five sisters, with the first four already married, three of whom have children. The primary concern revolves around the responsibilities at home.
At present, my fifth sister and I are taking care of the household, which includes my mother, myself, my fifth sister, and our cat. While my sister works from home, I am set to start an internship in a location far from home, necessitating finding accommodation elsewhere. This means my sister and I will move out, leaving my mother at home, which raises concerns about her well-being due to the presence of children.
Currently, my first sister, along with her daughter, resides in our home as she pursues her PhD, waiting for her husband to find a house in XXX. My second sister, a mother of two, often leaves her first daughter in our house from noon until evening, and sometimes overnight. Additionally, my third sister, who lives a bit farther away, occasionally visits with her daughter. Consequently, there are two permanent children in my mother’s house, with occasional visits from others.
Now, considering the options:
Option 1: Bringing my mother with my fifth sister and me to XXXX, renting a house there. The advantage is that she won’t be alone, and we can share household responsibilities. However, the downside is financial strain, as my internship allowance is limited, and my sister’s salary may not cover all expenses.
Option 2: Commuting daily from home to work in XXX, which would be mentally and physically exhausting, and wouldn’t significantly alleviate my mother’s burden.
Option 3: Hiring a maid for household chores, although my mother may not allow the maid to cook or care for the children. The effectiveness of this option remains uncertain, and the cost is a concern.
I am frustrated and eager to help my mother, having discussed these concerns with my sisters, albeit with limited success.
I hope this provides a clearer understanding of the situation. Please let me know if you have any suggestions or advice.January 28, 2024 at 10:24 am #427334RobertaParticipant
Please can I ask what makes you think that your mother will not cope/flourish if you are not there.
What are you specifically trying to protect your mother from? ie what do you perceive her burdens to be and has she informed you what she feels her burdens if any are?
RobertaJanuary 28, 2024 at 12:15 pm #427341anitaParticipant
“This means my sister and I will move out, leaving my mother at home, which raises concerns about her well-being due to the presence of children“- once you and your 5th sister move out, will your mother be the only adult in the home with your other sisters’ young children, and it’d be physically too difficult for her to physically take care of her grandchildren?
Is that your concern, as well as your mother’s?
I am wondering, if you choose option 1, having your mother move away and with you and your 5th sister, who will take care of your nieces?
anitaJanuary 29, 2024 at 1:36 am #427357RobertaParticipant
Please can I ask why wasn’t one of your options was – to leave your 5th sister at home and you come home for the weekends to pick up any chores that your mother is struggling with. If you found your mum was happy & coping you could expand your commute to once a fortnight or even monthly.
During Covid lockdown I lived with my son daughter in law & grandson. I helped with childcare, washed dishes & did laundry. I had both company & time to myself when ever I pleased. Maybe it is up to your other sisters to sort out how they are going to function & be more supportive if necessary of your mum once you have left home?
Roberta Aged 60+January 29, 2024 at 6:53 am #427358
Thank you for your kind reply. Here is my answers for your questions.
1.Please can I ask what makes you think that your mother will not cope/flourish if you are not there.
=Her health [have HBP, Diabetes, severe backpain] and her age  need someone to take care/monitor her. So as a daughter i want to take care of her and give her the proper rest that she needed in this age eventhough she wont show any tiredness or fatigues.
2. What are you specifically trying to protect your mother from? ie what do you perceive her burdens to be and has she informed you what she feels her burdens if any are?
=Im not trying to protect my mother from anything, I just want give her some way or help to speak up for herself. She cannot say ‘NO’ to her children as she take it as a habit.So as im the third person seeing eveything she is undergoing, i speak in her place that give her better choices putting her health in priority. She also already tell and show me some signs [ she become so stress, cannot get enough sleep, need to cook variety of foods, tired, etc].January 29, 2024 at 8:50 am #427376
thank you so much for kind reply and here is my answer for your question.
1. once you and your 5th sister move out, will your mother be the only adult in the home with your other sisters’ young children, and it’d be physically too difficult for her to physically take care of her grandchildren?
=Nope, she will be with 1st daughter who currently doing her PHD. My 1st sister’s focus will fully on her PHD and her daughter[age 2]. My second sister’s daughter age is 4 years old. So her routine will be like this[if me and my 5th sister are not at home]. Most of the times she is the one need to fetch the 4 years old daughter from school, then need to bath her. After bath her need to give her something to eat. Then she need to cook for everyone, manage household chores. Then she need to feed her lunch, put her in sleep. So, yes, it will be physically demanding for her at age with her underlying medical issues.
2.I am wondering, if you choose option 1, having your mother move away and with you and your 5th sister, who will take care of your nieces?
=Their own mother and father.January 29, 2024 at 10:08 am #427377anitaParticipant
You shared that your mother is 60 years old, suffering from HBP (high blood pressure), diabetes and severe back pain. Also, she suffers from a difficulty with, or an inability to say No to her adult daughters and does not speak up for herself. She becomes so stressed at times that she can’t get enough sleep.
You are 23, currently living with (1) your mother, (2) the youngest of your five sisters, a single young woman who works from home, (3) the oldest of your sisters who is very busy with pursuing her PhD and is waiting for her husband to find residence nearby, (4) your oldest sister’s 2-year-old daughter, (4) frequently with one of your married sister’s daughter, a 4-year-old who you or your youngest sister often picks her up from school at noon, bathe and feed her, and she stays with you until evening, and sometimes overnight, (5) a cat.
You are scheduled to start an internship in March at a location far from home and your considered plan is that you and your youngest sister, two single women, will be moving away from home, leaving your mother behind. You are worried that if that happens, she will handle all the cooking, cleaning, and other household chores because the #1 priority and singular focus of the only other adult in the house, your oldest sister’s, is her PhD studies and taking care of her 2-year-old. And that this will be to physically demanding of her, given her health issues.
Therefore, you are considering moving close to your internship location with your youngest sister and with your mother, but you worry that it will be a financial strain for you and for your youngest sister because your internship allowance is limited as well as her salary (Option 1).
You are also considering not moving at all for your internship, and instead commuting daily, which will be exhausting for you, and because you will not be spending much time home, it will not significantly alleviate your mother’s burden (Option 2).
You are considering moving and hiring help for the household chores back home, but you worry that your mother will do the work regardless, and you are concerned with the cost (Option 3)
“I want my MOTHER (to) lead a peaceful life in her 60’s… I am frustrated and eager to help my mother, having discussed these concerns with my sisters, albeit with limited success… I just want give her some way or help to speak up for herself… I speak in her place that give her better choices putting her health in priority“-
– My thoughts: your mother is in the habit, so you wrote (“She cannot say ‘NO’ to her children as she take it as a habit“), of not saying No to her adult daughters. She is also in the habit of cleaning and cooking and otherwise taking care of her adult daughters and granddaughters. She is in the habit taking on her daughters’ responsibilities upon herself. This means that possibly, she will resist your plan to remove her from her current location and activities, and that if she moves away with you, she might want to go back to where she is at now.
I imagine that she finds a meaning to her life, a calling, if you will, to work for and help her daughters and granddaughters, and that if you remove her from her calling, she will be very uncomfortable and very distressed. I imagine that she will insist on taking care of you and of your younger sister in the new location, so much so, that she will burden the two of you with over-working for you, over helping.
You want her to “lead a peaceful life in her 60s“, but if the stress is within her, as in a mental-emotional habit.. a different location, different physical circumstances (even luxury!) are not likely to change her habit. Rationally, you’d think that it’d be good for your mother’s health to live away from her current responsibilities, but strangely perhaps, it’s her current lifestyle that -although brought about her health issues- is also keeping her alive.
What do you think, Sunoo, about what I’m thinking…?