George, you can recover. There is hope for you. Please don’t give up on yourself. Is your social interaction is zero that is surely a reason you feel despair and isolation. Not sure what else to say online, but please reach out for help. Believe it or not, there are many people in this world that want to help you. Please extend your hand and don’t isolate yourself any further.
-Hope

George,

I’ve dealt with both anxiety and depression at different and multiple points in my life. You CAN and WILL feel better. It may not seem like it at this moment — but it will happen with time. Please look for support from your therapist, a medical professional or a friend. Medications can help. There is hope. DO NOT give up. Let us help you.

Dear George:
How are you feeling today? I hope you find a way to help yourself and to find the help that you need. It is painful to feel pain… and the mind can take the pain and make it worse with thoughts like: this is going to last forever. And: this is too much, I can’t handle this. It is those catastrohizing thoughts that make it WORSE. If you could find a way to stop those thoughts you will get rid of the suffering that is on top of your original pain. Do you know what I mean?

I hope you can get rid of the overwhelm part of your experience. You wrote that therapy does not work for you? Maybe the RIGHT kind of therapy will work for you. Let us know if you find a way that works for you- I will be looking for your posts!

Take care:
anita

Dear George:
I agree: there are no magic solutions. Wish there were. Oh, do I wish there were. I was depressed my whole life. It is only in the last few years that I have been engaged in my FIRST effective psychotherapy (cognitive behavioral/ mindfulness, dialectical psychotherapy) and self therapy work using insight and mostly SKILLS learned in therapy that i have longer times of peace of mind. I too stopped smiling. Recently I find myself smiling at times… The “voices in my head” say to me as i look in the mirror at my 54 year old face: Oh, look at you, what is the point of healing when you are so old…?” It is recently that i learned to answer those voices (the inner critic’s voices or Freudan Superego): what was your excuse (inner critic’s) when i was young? I definitely put myself down viciously when I was a child… what was the exceuse then? Recently I found out that SELF EMPATHY is key.
Take care:
anita

Dear George:
Regarding your first paragraph above: your father said he was too old to change- i bet he was younger than me, being 54. It is hard work, one has to be motivated and take step after step, endlessly patient with the process, but it is possible to do it at 50+- I am the proof.
Secondly, you shone some light here on your depression, shared more. I can see how your father hurt you. No wonder you are depressed. You reached out to him, you reached out to him many times, many, many times- I have no doubt. You reached out for his love that you naturally needed so desperately. You needed to feel safe in his love so that you can LIVE. And you didn’t get it- again and again you were turned down. What is more sad than a little boy (and part of you is still that little boy) looking UP to his father, naturally needy of his father, and being turned down again and again? Naturally- by the nature of being human- you needed connection with him so that you can handle fear (connection is what animals and humans- being animals- need to SOOTHE/ calm/ handle fear).

Projecting my experience into you, I assume the following (and tell me if it fits): you are still waiting for that connection with your father. The child part of you still believes his only way to LIVE is to GET that connection with him. Healing is about the process of developing a part in you that will take care of the child part of you. This part can be called The Manager, effectively managing your thinking, feeling, behaving. This process takes a long time.

It will take a long time until you develop a part in you that is solid enough, trustworthy enough… and developing it through a relationship with another- be it a therapist- sometime along the way, your healing will be in the context of a relationship with another. The TRAUMA you experienced and still suffering from (you can google Complex ptsd, if you’d like regarding the nature of this trauma I am referring to) is a relationship trauma (with your father). Your healing will partially be an alone process but it will have to be in the context of a relationship with a healthy, helpful person- not with him- NOT WITH HIM- with someone else, someone reliable, trustworthy, someone who will not turn you away.

One step at a time. What can you do today toward the healing you need?

Regarding your second paragraph: you are welcome. I like it that you have the place in you where you care about another- took the time to write you are glad i am healing. This means you are still available for a healthy relationship with another. And you are still reaching out. It is good that you are reaching out. Just don’t reach out to him anymore, if you can help it. At least be willing to consider not reaching out to him, pay attention to the many ways you still are (in practice or in your mind alone)!

Hi George,

I have been feeling like your feeling. I feel empathy all the time though I have been feeling anxious and I fear a lot. I am a fresh graduate, and currently an intern in the Capitol Hill.. and I came from CA. Had a recent break up, and a guy who wants to be friends because he cares about me and wants to be with his girl. And the program ended, and I am in Washington DC alone.

I fear.. I am looking for a job. and will be working for temp job. I am scared. I just want my career path to come and love.

Right now everything is like when it rains it pours. I cried alot.. and Having alot of anxiety. I am going to Jamaica for 5 days..and will be able to ruminate myself, my life, and my career goals.

Dear George,
I relate to your pain very much. I was having an anxiety attack today due do feelings of not trying hard enough in my life. I am 23 and I feel inadequate because I didn’t finish college, I go through periods of unemployment, live with my parents, and have very little social interaction. I’ve moved out of state to live with my parents again and I have been lonely and in denial of myself for months. The worst part in my mind is that I don’t like being around people because I feel like I have to prove something to them. I know this is a lie, but it is a lie I unconsciously believed for so long, that breaking this habit seems like a complete break down of myself.
I’m also terrified that I can’t enjoy the present moment in every day life. I avoid people, I work somewhat silently at work, I avoid my parents, and then feel immense guilt for the way I am. This is the cycle of anxiety as I know it. . I’m scared that I’ll never feel natural around people and I don’t know how to communicate with people without needing their approval. In the past I always faked it and had lots of friends but there was always a hollow feeling in me, now that I’m overly aware of myself, I’ve lost the energy of generating that self image..completely. I wonder if this is feeling or fact. I feel very isolated from the world.
I did not mean for this to be so long, but writing this has helped calm me down enough to think a little better.
How do we know what feelings to let go of and what ones need addressing? This is the question I think about a lot.
I want to thank you for sharing your post. I found this thread in my spiral of anxietal thinking today and it helps to know that other people feel these things too. I hope you feel better and are able to learn and grow.