Im lost and I could do with a little help

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This topic has 17 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 7 months ago by Eliana.

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September 7, 2017 at 4:29 pm #167744

Ayrton
Participant

so yeah,

My name is Ayrton, I’m a 21 year old guy and I am completely and utterly lost.

So I’m just going to start from the very begging. I am named after a great Formula 1 racing driver, Ayrton Senna, who is considered by many to be the greatest of all time. Now you may be wondering why I am telling you this first but I think it has a lot to do with why I feel like I am never good enough. See as my name is quite rare when I introduce myself to people (If they know who Ayrton Senna is) they will automatically think of a great man who achieved so much. So my whole life I have always had this feeling that I will never achieve as much as the man I was named after. That I will never live up to the name that I was given. Growing up I always used to say to people that being named after a great person bares responsibility in that you must live up to the name and you must keep that name in high regards. As I have gotten older however, that has slowly started to take over my mind to the point where I do no longer feel like I will be good enough or have the impact on the world that he did.

My dream for a long time was to change the world. Quite naive I know, but I genuinely believed it was my “destiny” to do that. My issue for the most part of my life is that I never really knew what I would be doing. Countless sleepless nights have been spent making up stories of how I’m going to inspire the next generation and how I would be remembered for years to come. But my problem is I have never had that one thing that I loved to the point of obsession, to the point where you can’t think of anything else and to the point that you will do anything it takes to achieve that goal. I don’t know what that “thing” is for me.

As the years have gone by I’ve seen friends and family find out what their “thing” is and I sit back and watch them go on their path to where they want to be. But me, I honestly don’t feel like I’ve moved forwards in years. Nothing has changed. You know growing up teachers, friends and family they all tell you that you need something to work towards, a light at the end of the tunnel, an end goal that you can one day achieve. Why is it that at age 21 I still have no idea what that is for me?

All I have ever wanted was to change the world and be remembered for years to come. My worst fear is that I die and I’m just like everyone else. A number, another life that had so much unfulfilled potential and just another tombstone in the graveyard. I want to make something of my life and I want to help people but I just don’t know how to do this when I don’t have a purpose. I have no reason to get out of bed in the morning, instead I end up sleeping in late into the day and staying up all night. I’ve become a prisoner to my own brain and I feel trapped. I don’t believe I would ever commit suicide but I understand it now, I understand that some people will get that low that they see no way out and I fear that I am on that path.

I find this such a scary thought as I am slowly becoming a person that is ashamed to look into the mirror, and it never used to be like this. Growing up I was rather shy until the age of 14 and then I blossomed, I was the life of the party, I had countless friends, I made people laugh and I was genuinely a happy guy. I think that this began to change when I was around 19/20. This was around the time the friends I had grew up with started to leave for College or for work and I really struggled with that transition and I don’t think I’m over it yet. My life went from doing something every second with friends to being sat in my room doing nothing all day.

This past summer I went to work for a summer camp in Pennsylvania and met some of the most incredible and inspiring human beings I have ever met in my life. I woke up every day happy and excited to spend time with these people. But unfortunately like all good things this had to end at some point and I had to come back home to England, back to my room in my Mothers house and back to reality. I had barely been home 2 days when I started to realise that my mind was going back to the place it was before I left for America and I won’t lie I broke down. I was so scared to be back in the same mind set as I was before I left and now here I am once again back feeling lost, miserable and broke.

I don’t have any money to my name but nor do I have any desire to go out and work in my home town. I want out. This place only brings sadness to my life and I can no longer take it. The good news is that I leave for Canada on a 2 year visa in December, but I am petrified. Not because I am leaving but more the fact of what would happen to me when 2 years is up I have to come back to England and once again I will be back feeling depressed, miserable and lost.

I feel like my time is running out and that if I don find out what my passion is soon I’m going to be 23 years old, still in my mums house and still lost.

I hope there is someone out there that can relate to this. It is a rather personal and unique situation I believe but I hope and pray that there is someone out there that can relate to this in some way and have some sort of recommendation or ideas on how I can find out what I am meant to do in this life.

I want to help the world, I want to inspire people and I want to live up to the name I was blessed with.

I pray that someone reads this and can help.

God bless all of you and I wish you all the best on your own journeys on becoming the best you that you can be.

September 8, 2017 at 6:22 am #167824

pip
Participant

Hi Ayrton,

well, I was very moved to read your story as I find a lot of things in it that I can relate to – although I’m a lot older than you. What you are going through is maybe more common than it appears to be to you right now. I know what you mean about observing others who seem to find their path in life early on, and then just get down to following it. As someone who has tried a LOT of things (some with more success than others), and had a lot of ups and downs in life – I feel I can say, some of us take longer than others to find where it is that we ”fit”. since I only have five minutes left on this public library machine I will say one thing that could help you a lot: get to know yourself, what youre good at and what motivates you. do this like its your job, approach it seriously and use all the tools you can find on and offline to help you. Take as long as you need, the more comprehensively you do this one task – the more it can help you. I reccommend What Colour is Your Parachute by Nelson Bolles, the back section. Ignore the religious section if need be. The rest of the book is excellent value, no matter what your spiritual beleifs are. This book comes out nearly every year, because its full of useful techniques to know yourself better – and hence help you to choose the direction (s) in life that will most benefit you. But also ask people you come across too, ask anyone that you think might help you with a story about what they did to get through a similar difficulty. All the very best to you!

September 8, 2017 at 7:34 am #167858
Peter
Participant
Wow you sure have put a lot of pressure on yourself. Your goals are admirable however the first step in achieving them may require letting them go. You might be asking yourself how can I achieve them if I let them go. It’s a change of reference that creates space to becoming and being and such a person who is free of such constraints (like the ones you have put on yourself) will be an inspiration to others.

“What is in a name, a rose by any other name would smell a sweet.” Let go of unnecessary name expectations such thinking is unskillful/mindful.

Likewise, is judging our lives based on how we can only imagine others are doing. Interesting study on about Facebook. Many people become depressed reading the post of others as it always appears like they are having such great lives. Most people only post the good stuff, moments of time, and we never know the whole story. Everyone struggles. No one can know what others are feeling, doing, thinking and if you think you know I would bet if you really look you are comparing yourself to an illusion that you have created. Illusion on Illusion on Illusion… let it go.

I recommend the following books:
‘The Art of Racing in the Rain’ by Garth Stein. Is about a race car driver J
‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho
‘Pathways to Bliss: Mythology and Personal Transformation’ by Joseph Campbell

“Because memory is time folding back on itself. To remember is to disengage from the present. In order to reach any kind of success in automobile racing, a driver must never remember.” ― Garth Stein

“Inside each of us resides the truth,” I began, “the absolute truth. But sometimes the truth is hidden in a hall of mirrors. Sometimes we believe we are viewing the real thing, when in fact we are viewing a facsimile, a distortion. As I listen to this trial, I am reminded of the climactic scene of a James Bond film, The Man with the Golden Gun. James Bond escaped his hall of mirrors by breaking the glass, shattering the illusions, until only the true villain stood before him. We, too, must shatter the mirrors. We must look into ourselves and root out the distortions until that thing which we know in our hearts is perfect and true, stands before us. Only then will justice be served.”

― Garth Stein

“The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Forget about the future, and live each day – Paulo Cohelo

“Follow your bliss. If you do follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you.I say, follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be. If you follow your bliss, doors will open for you that wouldn’t have opened for anyone else. – Joseph Campbell
- This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Peter.
September 8, 2017 at 8:42 am #167898

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ayrton:

Yes, I can relate and will share more with you if you reply to my post. At this point, this is my input:

It is needed, for your mental health, that you abandon your goal, dream, expectation “to change the world and be remembered for years to come”-

the chances of this happening is extremely small, statistically speaking.

It is possible that a name will get a person to “be remembered for years to come”. An example when that happened: George H. Bush was president of the U.S. His son, George W. Bush was also president of the U.S. His brother, Jeb Bush was governor of Florida and a candidate for the presidency of the U.S. It was possible for the second and third Bushes to gain political power because of their name and connections: they had accessibility to positons of political power.

But in your case, you only have a name. A name is not enough. It is only… a name.

This name you have is keeping you a prisoner in unrealistic expectations. Maybe you were happy before when in school because it was not time yet to … live up to your name. But when it was time to go to college, it was time to live up to the name, to justify it.

Problem is, any small achievement pales in comparison to the very high, unrealistic expectation, so why bother. When your aim is to become famous enough to be remembered for years to come, nothing short of an earth breaking achievement counts. And so, you give up on achieving those and end up doing nothing.

In reality, your name is only that… a name, not a destiny.

anita

September 8, 2017 at 9:15 am #167904

Patrick
Participant

Dear Ayrton,

You have a lot of replies to sift through but they are all thoughtful and true. You put far too much pressure on yourself and it is choking you out. The more you focus on “What is my thing?!” the farther away form it you become. It is like holding it in your hand, clenching your fist and gripping it so hard that it cuts into you, while a world of possibilities lay all around you for you to pick up and try.

Everyone is the same when they die. Famous or not, we all end up in the ground, returned to Mother Earth, our energy that we borrowed, rightfully back in the hands of whatever driving force you believe in. The things we do for ourselves today, reverberate into the world around us. This is how you can change the world, Ayrton. Be confident in change and do WHATEVER you seem even remotely interested in. Hockey, Hot-air balloons, Painting hot-air balloons, swimming, climbing, candle-making, locksmithing, acrobatics, yoga, giving people hugs, putting on street-side shows, wood working, gardening, WHATEVER! And when you find out you kind of don’t like that thing, don’t despair at not finding your “thing” just do another thing! You got this, man.

Personally, I can’t respect a person who is trying to be somebody else. Be Ayrton, not Ayrton Senna.

September 8, 2017 at 9:28 am #167908

Ayrton
Participant

Dear Pip,

Thank you for your response I will make sure to check out the book you have recommended.

I understand what you have said when you say get to know yourself but I believe I am spending too much time in my own head. See I believe it is all well and good doing that but I feel like I am spending that much time in my head that I can’t actually think of anything positive and I am slowly getting consumed by negative depressive thoughts.

One of my main issues is that I am still in the same position I was in 3 years ago and not much has changed since then and I seem to have remained stagnant and not progressed any further in my life than when I was 18. I still live with my parents who I don’t have the best of relationships with as we clash often and I find it difficult to explain to them how I feel as they can’t understand why I don’t have the drive to work like “everyone else”. When in reality it isn’t that I don’t want to work its actually that I want to work but work in the career I am meant to be working in.

My dream right now is to move Canada which is happening in December. But I am on a 2 year visa and like I said before my fear is that when the 2 years are up I end up back in this position.

I know I cannot live my life in my home country of England and I know I must leave but I worry that without a degree and a good amount of funds behind me that I will end up back here and be stuck in this position for the rest of my life. I would love to have a degree at one point but I don’t have great grades and I regret dropping out of college twice. I want to get a degree in something where I know I will want to work in for the rest of my life. And that is the problem. I honestly couldn’t tell you if my life depended on it what my true passion is and what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I love lots of things, sports, music, psychology, business etc but if you asked me to pick one of those to stay in for the rest of my life I wouldn’t be able to decide. I know I want to help people and I have found working with kids rewarding but again it is something I couldn’t see myself doing for the rest of my life.

If you have any recommendations on how I can find out what I need to do with my life that would be incredible. I appreciate your time and knowledge and i hope to hear from you soon.

September 8, 2017 at 9:49 am #167910

Ayrton
Participant

Dear Peter,

I appreciate your time and your recommendations, I will be sure to check those out.

Like you have said I understand that most people use social media to try promote their happiness when really they struggle just as much as everyone else. I completely understand that and I am aware of that. My problem is not that everyone seems “happy” its more that everyone seems to be on a path, a journey, but I seem to remain lost. I have tried lots of things in my life and I’m proud of some of the things I have managed to do but when I look back there still isn’t something where I think right I could do that for the rest of my life.

All I really know is that I want to move to away (which I am doing, moving to Canada in December) and help inspire and change lives, but I don’t know what field I do this in. Nothing stands out to me, It isn’t that I don’t want to try things its more that when I do try things I still don’t get that feeling where I know this is where I belong. I want nothing more than to be successful and have a purpose to just wake up in the morning.

I appreciate all of your time and knowledge and I hope to hear from you again.

September 8, 2017 at 10:25 am #167914

Ayrton
Participant

Dear Anita,

I appreciate your advice and it was very relatable to me so thank you.

I want to be successful and I want to have a purpose in my life and for basically all of my life I haven’t had those. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and feel a sense of purpose and a drive to get up and do what I am meant to do in my life. But how do i find out what that is? I love so many things but there isn’t anything where I think oh I would love to do that for the rest of my life.

All I want is to get away, which I am doing by going to Canada, but I don’t know if I am going away because I just want to run away from the situation I am currently in. I don’t have anyone I can speak to about my situation that will actually care and understand and I am quite lonely because of this. I don’t really know what to do anymore.

I appreciate your time and knowledge Anita, I hope to hear form you soon

September 8, 2017 at 10:32 am #167918

Ayrton
Participant

Dear Patrick,

I totally understand all of your points. I want to say though that I do not wish to be Ayrton Senna but I have wanted an impact on people similar to his, if you understand my point.

I have tried lots of things in my life and I enjoy trying things but I still don’t know which one it is that I want to pursue. All I want really is a purpose and a desire to do something that I love and not be stuck in a dead end job which makes me unhappy. I see so many people live this life and I don’t want that to be the life that I live.

I move away to Canada in 3 months but I worry that me moving is me running away from the miserable life I have back home and that when the visa runs out I will have once again not moved forward and I will be back in this position. I want to make my trip there beneficial and I want to start moving on with my life but I don’t know how to do this.

Thank you for the help and time you have given to me Patrick.

I hope to hear from you soon

September 8, 2017 at 11:07 am #167922

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ayrton:

You wrote: “I want to be able to wake up in the morning and feel a sense of purpose and a drive to get up and do what I am meant to do in my life… I love so many things but there isn’t anything where I think oh I would love to do that for the rest of my life.”

You wrote earlier: “I believe I am spending too much time in my own head”-

My input: yes, you spend too much time in your own head, thinking a whole lot. Problem is a few of your basic thoughts are incorrect, that is, not congruent with reality, so all the thinking, the massive thinking doesn’t get you anywhere productive because it is based of a few faulty assumptions.

A couple of the faulty assumptions are in the quote started this post with. You assume that there is something you are “meant to do in (your) life”. This is a belief in destiny, in being born with a pre-programmed life, a singular passion that is there already and for you to discover. But it is not so.

There is nothing you are meant to do. There is no singular passion waiting to be discovered and be actualized for the rest of your life.

The idea of a singular passion is one of those things people believe that exist but very rarely does it exist. Most people wing it or if they hold on stubbornly to the idea that there should be a singular passion, then they feel there is something wrong with them and they get stuck doing nothing. Or ending up in the same place again and again.

Let me know, if you will, what you think so far about what I wrote to you.

anita

September 8, 2017 at 12:00 pm #167934

Ayrton
Participant

Hi Anita

Thanks for the words of wisdom you are giving me I appreciate it.

I believe that I want to help people and I enjoy the feeling of helping others but I do not know what field I could do this in and feel satisfied and become successful. I have tried many things in my life but I still don’t feel a sense of belonging in any particular career. I am getting to an age now where my friends and peers are all moving towards their goal but I still don’t have a goal that I am driven towards. My question is how can I speed up this process and start moving forward in my life. I no longer want to stand still in my life.

I have my trip to Canada to look forward to but like I’ve said before I am extremely worried about coming back home after 2 years in Canada and being back in this position. What is it I can do to avoid this from happening as it is honestly my worst fear right now.

I really appreciate the help you have given me Anita, I hope to hear form you again

September 8, 2017 at 12:09 pm #167936

Patrick
Participant

Dear Ayrton,

I can’t help reading your post and wondering why you hold yourself back so much. ” I enjoy trying things but I still don’t know which one it is that I want to pursue.” and “I move away to Canada in 3 months but I worry that me moving is me running away from the miserable life I have back home.” Just taking out a few words and making an edit, we have this:

“I enjoy trying things.” and “I move away to Canada in 3 months and I get a new environment”

You think too much Ayrton. Just keep things simple and don’t look to far into the future. Things will play out.

September 8, 2017 at 12:17 pm #167942

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ayrton:

You wrote: “My question is how can I speed up this process and start moving forward in my life”-

My answer: by doing less abstract thinking and more tangible experiencing. If you google or otherwise read about Mindfulness, it is something that can help you think less and experience more. It is about getting in touch with your emotions, your body (instead of “living in your head”). When you go through your day mindful, you get to make your daily choices attentively, thoughtfully.

If you practice making choices (no choice is too small to matter) attentively and thoughtfully, being in touch with your emotions/ physical experience, you will be able to make the bigger choices.

I will be back to the computer in 17 hours or so, take good (mindful) care of yourself.

anita

September 8, 2017 at 3:22 pm #167958

Ayrton
Participant

Dear Patrick,

I have tried not to live thinking about the future my whole life but I don’t seem to be progressing anywhere. I understand everything you’ve said completely and I cannot wait to leave but I have a 3 month period now with no job, no friends in my area and I struggle to see the positive sides during this time. I hope Canada has everything I am looking for as if it doesn’t I don’t know where I would go from there.

Thanks again I cannot describe how much I appreciate yours and everyones time you have given me.

September 8, 2017 at 3:28 pm #167960

Ayrton
Participant

Anita,

I have since looked into mindfulness and it is very similar to some teachings I have received before.

What would your advice be to regain control of your thoughts? See at this moment I am not in control of my thoughts and they are dark and depressing and I feel like it is stopping me from getting anything done. I want to regain control of my thoughts and I want to feel the drive to find a job (as I am currently unemployed) and start earning so I can do things with my life.

I feel like I have always lacked a drive or motivation to get things done and I want this to change but once again I do not know how to do this.

many thanks Anita your replies mean a lot to me.
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