I'm Not Sure If He Really Loves Me

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This topic has 7 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 3 months ago by Will.

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August 14, 2014 at 6:40 pm #63394

Lori
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I’ve been dating this guy for roughly eight months now, and I knew around the third month of dating him that I really wanted to be with him. The same night I told him this, he told me that I was not the only girl that he was sleeping with at the time. After this point we continued our relationship, despite that. It wasn’t until about four months ago that he began openly discussing these so called “other women” in front of me and to me. It made me extremely uncomfortable but I kept to myself about it, knowing the conversation wouldn’t end well if I told him that I disliked it. Recently he’s decided that he loves me, or says he does but still insists that he must see other women and that he suffers from Madonna-Whore Syndrome, I’m not sure what to make of the situation currently. He recently asked me to move in with him, and no evidence of another woman has yet to be seen the past two months, since I’ve been staying with him every night recently. I can’t decide if he’s trying to take our relationship seriously or if he’s just not found someone else to sleep with. I honestly do not know what to think and need some much needed advice.

August 15, 2014 at 5:44 am #63425

kingmaker
Participant

Sorry but I read this and re-read it. Can I ask why on earth if you knew months ago that he was sleeping with other women, that you wanted to continue the relationship let alone consider moving in with him? I am no expert on syndrome’s and no nothing of this Madonna-whore condition but I cannot understand that any excuse for sleeping with you, and other women at the same time is acceptable. I know for a fact that if I told a woman I was sleeping with her and others, I am pretty sure that relationship would end. Not only is it unacceptable, but sorry to sound like a teacher but have you thought about anything that could be transmitted by these ‘partners’?

August 15, 2014 at 6:07 am #63426

Inky
Participant

He insists that he must see other women and suffers from Madonna-Whore Syndrome?? Laugh in his face and walk out, sister!

When he’s visiting his parents does he bring multiple women over? No.

When he talks to his boss does he politely excuse himself to deal with his “syndrome”? No.

If he was on Dr. Phil on national TV, would he convince the Dr.? No, and the audience would laugh at him.

Because, like celebrities suffering from “sex addiction”, it is a made up, fake, convenient disorder.

In the 60’s there was Free Love. In the 70’s “If you’re jealous, YOU’RE the one with the problem”. In the 80’s, AIDs, so that was the end of that. 90’s would be a Seinfeld episode if guys tried that nonsense. 2000s “Sex Addiction”. 2010 Madonna-Whore Syndrome???

August 15, 2014 at 6:08 am #63427

Inky
Participant

P.S. Props to him for creativity!

August 15, 2014 at 2:33 pm #63478

Matt
Participant

Lori,

You deserve to be sure. Consider that even if he is afflicted with maddona-whore syndrome, it doesn’t mean he gets to do whatever he wants. Much like a person with IBS doesn’t just get to drop a deuce on the dinner table because “I’m just this way.” Consider asking to sit in on one of his therapy sessions for his affliction, so you get a chance to lay out your feelings with an impartial and trained person. No therapist? No psychiatrist? Chances are he is lying, excusing, and actually has “string-along-atosis” or “wanna-bang-alotta”.

If I tried that on my wife, I’d be typing this message with an ice pack on my balls, unless she ripped them clean off. Ya know? If you do decide to stick it out with him, make sure you make him earn your trust, or he’ll never respect you. Why would he? “Sorry dearest, I need to go get some strange. Afflictions are tough, ya know.” You kidding? What are you doing with all your anger, Lori? Eating it? Turning it into “what am I doing wrong?”

Also, if his affliction is real, I’m pretty sure he’d be unable to get an erection while he’s with you. Is that the case?

With warmth,
Matt

August 15, 2014 at 3:40 pm #63480
Pooch
Participant
I can’t offer any advice, but will just address the title of your post and offer my two cents. I strongly doubt that he loves you. I think he loves the fact that he can be with you the way that you described (being non-monogamous).

I wish you well and I think a good deal of self-reflection is needed on why you are with him, and if this is the kind of way you want to be treated and the kind of relationship you are truly looking for.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Pooch.
August 15, 2014 at 6:48 pm #63489
Big blue
Participant
Hi Lori,

You asked for advice on your unique situation, and the folks above have weighed in with their opinions, so I’ll start with a quick copy/paste of your own words:

“It made me extremely uncomfortable but I kept to myself about it, knowing the conversation wouldn’t end well if I told him that I disliked it.”

Starting now not tomorrow you need to put yourself up as #1 in your life. This means being honest to yourself and comfortable being you. No one else can do this for you and no one else can enjoy your life like you can. Make sense?

You’re now looking at the prospect of sharing living expenses and doing housework, but you can’t be with him 24/7 to force monogamy on him. If you are not comfortable with his view of the relationship, get out now before you are locked in for years of codependence trying to be his #1 and only. You can be your #1 and still not be lonely if you are true to yourself – things will work out for you and you’ll meet a guy who will work for you.

Big blue
- This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Big blue.
August 18, 2014 at 5:36 am #63564

Will
Participant

Look, non-monogamous relationships can work, but they require a lot of open and honest communication, consideration of each other’s feelings and general emotional intelligence.

This non-manogamous relationship is not working. You don’t like his sleeping around, but you don’t even feel like you can air your feelings? So on some level you sense he doesn’t care how you feel, he’ll do as he damn well pleases. Why are you even considering moving in with this guy?

Madonna-whore complex is a real thing, but it’s not an excuse to sleep around when you know your partner isn’t ok with that. If he can’t get it into his head that a woman can be a freak in the sack and a respectable human being at the same time, maybe he’s not ready to have actual relationships with actual respectable human beings.

Get rid of this clown. If it truly hurts to part with him, leave your number and tell him to get in touch when he sorts his damn head out.
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