Ray this surely must be difficult for you to have to deal with. I can only imagine the pain and confusion going on in your life right now. There is so much going on here that I will ask you for time for me to think on it. But I will offer this. As an ISTJ it is well known that you have some very wonderful qualities. I think that within those qualities are some clues to very powerful assets available to you that you would find very beneficial in your healing. I think if you focus on those qualities, let go of what is going on, if ever so briefly, you will have more clarity in your thinking. By virtue of being human, the personality trait that you have (ISTJ) is also vulnerable to being dominated by serious issues such as the one you are confronted with. As a result of this domination, your higher qualities are overcome which makes it difficult, as you know, to think clearly. You should never apologize for crying Ray. Crying, as a symptom of being vulnerable, is a very normal reaction. It is certainly no indicator of weakness.

How long have you and your b/f been “official?” Are you ok with describing the “issues eith his ex?” I think you should try to find some time with you b/f, alone of course, and suggest that the both of you need to define with clarity, where you both really want to go as a couple. I think you both should also find in that time alone, opportunity to tell each other, honestly, what each of you mean to each other, given the recent reason for the history of this trouble. Maybe through that conversation one of you or preferably both, will come to an answer as to why the events before you two were casually dating, needlessly infect your relationship thus causing a breach in your trust. You said, “I keep getting these thoughts that I should break up with him before he breaks up with ne.” and “I just don’t know if at this point it is better to leave or stay.” I get a sense that this option is on the table. It reminds me of scenes in Western movies with two adversaries facing off and it all comes down to who draws first blood, who pulls the trigger first. This ‘maybe I should do it before he does’ thing is not going to be helpful to you should you want to be a part of making things work out. I say that because those two options side by side, stay or go, nurture doubt.

Have a sit down with him Ray and see if you both can come to terms as to where you both are really are at this point, and where you both are going. This is a good place to start healing. I really would like to see you post progress. Let us know.

Pearce

Ray I can actually feel some significant clarity in you. It’s reflected in how you say things. I think you have a very good handle on this. I have to step out for a while but I most certainly will give you more feedback-if you wish. I’m not going to wish you luck in future conversations with him. I’d be implying you need it. You have everything you need Ray. I’ll be in touch and check on you.

Pearce Hawk

Hi Ray…thank you for getting back and I hope that all is well with you. Anxiety is but one of a constellation of symptoms of perfectionism that can and do cause physical and emotional imbalance. Perfectionism becomes a problem when it causes emotional wear and tear or when it keeps you from succeeding or from being happy. Sometimes the  pain of perfectionism is felt in relationships with others. The person with that personality trait sometimes put distance between themselves and others unintentionally by being intolerant of others’ mistakes. You said, “I remind myself that everything will be okay and as long as I do my best to be positive and focus on what I love about him it will all go away with time.” The Lakota Sioux say, “Ley hehun nike waste. It is pronounced lay-he-hoon-nee-kay-wash-tay. Translated it means the day is good. And when you said …everything will be ok…it reminds me of when I lived as a child for almost 5 years with a Lakota Sioux family on the Rez. What the White Horse family taught me was, the day IS good.  It all depends on how we as people treat the day. Since “day” in the Lakota perspective is part of nature, we cannot and do not own any part of nature. It all depends on how we treat the day, something that, by virtue of day being part of nature, is already perfect. What a difference your tone “sounds” compared to your first post. I think you have a very good handle on it. You always have but some variables created an imbalance in your life. I’m so happy for you. One of my favorite quotes is by a guy named R.D.Laing. He seems to be a pretty cool cat. What he said really opened my eyes to how I see things. He said, ” The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice, that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice, how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds.” Reading this one time gave me a solid opportunity to rethink my approach to things. It has made me a much better person even though I think I was anyway, although my friends will feverishly dispute this 🙂 It helped me change for the better, I think anyway. I have learned too that learning has no value if change is no longer necessary. I cannot remember who said that. But the truth to that is profound. And not only “focus on what I love about him” but focus on the love you have -for you. All too often we ignore that. Let go of the need for perfection. This has interfered with your ability to embrace so much more. When you do let go of that perfection, think about how much more you can give to your man. I’m really happy for you.

Pearce

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by PearceHawk.

Hi Mark,

I too suffer from severe anxiety and panic attacks. I liked what you had to say about “DARE. This has never been brought up to me in my therapy sessions. I like the thought about channeling “anxiety” into excitement. I’m trying to do that right now about an upcoming procedure, but not doing so well. Is this a book I can buy? Thanks.