@ Anita: Through the past handful of years, it’s been made blatantly obvious to me that I’m just not meant to do anything fulfilling, important to me, or generally enjoyable, save raising my child. That’s it. Even then? I feel and think I’m not doing a good job, given I’ve really no redeemable qualities to bestow or pass on to said child. My spouse would disagree I’m sure, but I’m able to poke holes in each and every one of her points, until she gives an annoyed sigh I’ve come to know well, and gives up trying to change my mind. Therefore, I’ve accepted it. I’ve no meaningful career, I’ve no support system beyond said spouse, I’ve no future beyond the useless 9-5 Job I have until I can retire in another 20-25 years. As far as mentality, some are just meant to be depressed and negative the majority of the time, the same as there are those that are happy and positive the majority of the time. I’m obviously the former. My current environment is banal, dull, routine, and akin to plain white oatmeal. Day in, day out. Week in, week out. Month in, month out. Etc. I’ve gone down a plethora of avenues to change things up, and it either doesn’t stick, or is inaccessible to me for one reason or another.

@ Missus: I don’t mind ‘those thoughts’ at this point. They’ve been popping up with increased frequency for a number of years now, and are becoming more frequent. Much the same way as my Dysthymia, AvPD, and MDD have increased. The occasional alcohol is a welcomed reprieve. I see no harm in that. Doesn’t mean I’m a raging alcoholic. No big deal.

My childhood isn’t an issue. It was garbage, and had a hand in shaping my mentality up to today. So be it. I’m at peace with that, given a lot of what was instilled in me then, is obvious at this point in time.

As far as the ‘seeing depression’ thing, I don’t buy that. When it’s important? When it’s all on the line, so to speak? I’m the epitome of happy sunshine and friendliness with a good does of honesty. Thing is, it has yet to come to bare fruit. At all. Ever. For something that would be life changing and beneficial to my family, myself, and my overall mentality.

That’s ok. Again, some aren’t meant to have things work out. No meaningful career, a low flashing light on my ‘happiness gauge’ much like a gas gauge on a car, no friends (as those I’ve had in the past vanished for many a reason), nearly no family beyond those under my roof which amounts to 2 people. Some get it. Some do not. Some have. Some do not. It’s life. It’s reality.

There’s no ‘fixing things’ for some. They just stay as broken, damaged people, that barely manage to keep a facade on for those they care for. I’m not seeing the issue at this point.

I’ve come to grips with it. I’m a naturally unhappy person. Add in that there is no meaningful career, there’s no future beyond my current job, that I feel I do nothing useful as a father beyond the normal baseline (my spouse, I’m sure, would vehemently disagree), that there is no ‘fixing things for myself, and that I’m just damaged and broken having been tossed aside by both friends, family, and loved ones too often.

You realize that life isn’t going to be a happy thing, as the number of times you’ve been happy in 40 years, you can count on two hands. You go through the ‘have you tried this?’ stuff people from spouses, to doctors, to therapists, to friends, to family, and just get the point that it’s not for you.

I’m honestly of the mindset that the above is true. There’s no ‘someone somehow convince me otherwise’. I.E. My spouse just asked me if I was ‘ok’ and I said ‘No.’ and she asked if there was anything she could do. I said ‘No.’ and she said ‘Let me know if there’s something I can do.’ and that was that. That’s normal. Happens 2-3 times every 3-4 days. It’s routine.

So you research. You research really bad things. Things that would make your spouse freak the fuck out. But to you? To you it’s perfectly normal and rational to know that it takes 400mg of Morphine to end your life. It’s absolutely par for the course to know where to obtain Morphine via the internet, and know of a chemist that can check if the Morphine is actually Morphine. OH MY GOD! RED LIGHT! ALERT! ALERT! No. It’s not. To me, it’s a good thing to know. It’s useful, relevant information.

Simply because you honestly think, in your heart of hearts, your spouse and child deserve so much better than what they wound up with.

I assure you, I don’t ‘hope these things are not true’. They’re true. I don’t think I have it in me to stick it out another 1/4 century at a job I hate, with no prospects, told ‘no’ at every turn when you try to change things for the better.

And ‘ask for help’? Why would I ever do that? So someone can think ‘Wow. This guy is an attention whore.’. I don’t need help. Was just writing down my headspace with the thought process of ‘Yeah. Some aren’t happy. Very rarely. That’s life. That’s normal.

Not that it matters, but I’ve heard the ‘robot’ comparison more than once in the past.

If I’m suffering, I don’t notice it. There are many that are far worse off than myself. I’m just unwilling to settle for a dull, unfulfilling life. I don’t want that.

I’ve reached a minor milestone (40) and are cognisant of a few things given my age. Of those few things, nearly all of them are pointing toward another 25-30 years of boredom, ineptitude, failure, inadequacy, regret, disappointment, and a complete lack of meaning in ones day to day.

In short, a banal and trivial existence, devoid of meaning.

You receive ‘advice’ on how to change the above. You follow through with said advice, and marvel at how everything remains exactly the same as when you started.

You’re correct in saying ‘close, but not there’. Essentially setting the groundwork. Confirming things would be ok, and if anything improve without one there. Sure, there’s a couple of instances where things may be a little worse off, but overall? Improvement.

I’ve been given a life, and all has pointed to being told “No matter how hard you work, no matter if you do the right thing to get from A to B, it’s not happening. Ever.” without actual words being said. So I can settle for what I’ve been given, or simply return the ‘No’ I’ve been told for decades.

I’d much prefer the latter.

As for yourself, wanting to share your own experience? Feel free. It’s an open forum. Sharing your own ‘lying down in bed’ story is entirely up to you.

The entire point I’d made of this thread, to be redundant, was just to confirm that it’s indeed normal to just never be happy or content.

Given a life, existentially speaking. You’re born, therefore, you’re ‘given’ life.

‘Who’s saying that without actual words being said?’. I am. I have. It’s how things are for some. For others, they work hard and it pays off. For some, they work hard, make the right moves, and it never pays off.

Life in general, for some, is banal/trivial/dull. Regardless of what they do to make it not so, it stays so.