Dear weepingdragon719:

Maybe you are too angry to be loved by anyone. You’ve been angry at every post on this thread.

You wrote that other men with Asperger who are “less functioning than I am and they have been in relationships. Why can can all of these other people who are depressed, anxious and have Asperger’s all all find love and not me?”

Because you are perpetually angry. It is scary to love an angry person. An angry person is ready to fight, to hurt another. So people stay away.

It is the angry dragon that keeps people away.

anita

Hi weepingdragon. I’m sorry you are going through an awful time in your life and seem to have been for a while now.

First off, I apologize, I have not read the entire thread as I am at work atm, but I just had to reply so I may say something or ask something you have already covered. 🙂

Regarding you feeling like you are inferior to others and feeling like you are unlovable, even though some human monsters out there have love, I think that feeling in itself is holding you back.

You are not unlovable, but sometimes when we think so strongly about something, about ourselves, it can seem like it becomes the only truth. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. You feel so unworthy and so much hate for yourself that in your interactions with others, this is what you are projecting, whether you realize it or not. People can tell a lot about you at times just by how you phrase things or you body language. Loving yourself and having some self confidence won’t solve everything, but it can help some things.

I have a friend similar to you, but she actually tells people how unlovable she is and is often complaining of her awful lot in life (thought she has been very blessed). Honestly, people don’t want to hear that. If they hear you yourself saying those things, then they will just believe it too and not give you a chance. You are worth it, but no one can force you to believe it…only you can make yourself realize it. From what I have read though, you are not actively telling everyone and anyone your plight, so that is a good start.

Also, where are you looking for potential friends or girlfriends? Do you have hobbies? What really lights you up and makes you lose track of time? When you find what you like to do, see if you can find a group, forum, class, or even a store where the hobbies you enjoy are at and where it’s talked about. I know it’s hard to talk to people, I’m a big introvert, so doing this online may be a good first step. Talk (type) to these people that like the same things as you do. You never know who you may find. Sometimes you find friends and girlfriends/boyfriends when you really aren’t looking at all. I myself found several good online friends just by liking some posts on fanficion sites and posting reviews.

At least if you go where there are other people that like the same thing(s), that first hurdle of awkwardness of not knowing what to talk about is gone. You already have that ice breaker and if you like/are passionate about the same things, you already have that “hook” to snag other people to talk to. 🙂

You are worth it, you just have to realize it and yes, it’s easier to say than do sometimes. But you are alive right now and you do have the ability to meet/talk to people. We all have limited time on this earth, use it while you can and don’t have expectations about interactions, just go with an open mind. If they want to chat, great, but if that don’t that’s ok too, there are a ton of people and friends out there for you…you just haven’t met them yet.

Also, you seem to think that these couples and people you see all smiles in relationship and even those bad people that have people that love them, you assume they are happy. Just remember, a smile can hide a lot and you don’t know what happens behind closed doors. No one is perfect and living a blissful, no troubles, no fears, no problems life, though it may look like it from the outside.

You say you’d like at least to have someone mistreat you so at least you have someone interested in you. Trust me, you do not want that…ever. You think how you feel is bad now? Think of how bad you’ll feel if you have an abuser telling you the same things you feel about yourself over and over, it would be double the agony and hate you feel for yourself now. I have depression, anxiety, OCD, and borderline personality disorder and yes it’s hard as heck to just be sometimes, but having someone hurt you just to feel loved is not the right way to go. You won’t feel loved and you won’t feel “at least I have this” when they are hitting you or calling you names. You are worth more than that, don’t make yourself a victim of someone else’s sickness.

Hugs and well wishes.

Dear weepingdragon:

In the ongoing quest of finding that “something else, something far worse and far more terrible that makes (you) unlovable” on page three of this thread, following all that has been suggested and your insistence that no one has come close to the answer, I am not giving up on the quest.

A curse of some sort, could it be a curse, a spell put on you by an evil entity?

anita

Dear weeping dragon,

The simple fact is people have all kinds of shit going on in their lives, feel alone and hurt at several points. You aren’t the only one. However you whine way too much and are in no mood to take any feedback from the people who have bothered to write to you and tried to understand. I am sorry but if you even don’t like yourself one bit, your negative, self pity vibe will be visible to others and they will like you lesser still. You are under some delusion that love with a woman will fix things – sorry, but your issues are something only you can fix. Others can only help if you let them. But you aren’t ready for that and have a defensive record ready. Even if anyone cared, I doubt you will see it fully. The hard truth is it is your life at the end of the day – your dad is gone, they shut you away at 5 – that is hard but these are things you can’t change now. What you can change is your mindset and approach – this wallowing in self hatred and self pity isn’t going to get you anywhere. Go see a therapist.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Nina Sakura.

Hi weepingdragon–

I am wondering…are you still receiving treatment (I mean REAL treatment, not being locked away) for your depression and anxiety? Depression and anxiety will distort your perceptions of yourself and those around you. (This I know firsthand, having struggled with depression for nearly 40 years.) It causes pain, and makes the positive things that “normal” people take for granted, like being happy, having loving relationships, and caring for themselves seem impossible. I am hearing the depression speaking loud and clear in your posts. I don’t think that is who you really are.

I see a guy who is trying hard to be a good person (not just “likeable”, but a decent human being), and who is grieving a great loss. Neither of those two things are easy to deal with. I don’t see a monster, or someone who is flawed or worthless. You’re hurting.

Maybe this doesn’t really answer the basic question that you’re asking–why you can’t find a loving partner, and how to overcome that particular hurdle. What I wanted to emphasize was that you ARE worthwhile. You deserve happiness and peace. It so happens that you have conditions which make life challenging for you, to say the least. That isn’t your fault.

If you haven’t already, talk to a mental health professional who can address the depression and anxiety. You are worth it.

You mentioned you are on OKCupid, and that you were willing to give out your username for critiques. I think I read some posts of yours in the OKCupid Forum – or else someone who writes just like you. I have a couple of comments, and then a suggestion — a proposed experiment.

I think online dating is a great medium for you, because you write so well. You don’t just “write well” — you express yourself well, too. Many people can do one, but not the other. If you’re less able to express yourself in person that online, maybe you could start with online relationships, that may or may not ever go into the real world. I know you’re in a hurry, but the fact is, you’re unlikely to marry the first person you ever go on a date with. That’s true for all of us. Even if you do “deserve” something, that’s no guarantee you’ll get it, and it doesn’t mean you won’t have to work for it. So let’s get you on the road to some eventual first dates.

I have sort of a silly profile on there (www.okcupid.com/profile/vankadadanka) — maybe it will just irritate you, I don’t know. But I think you should write me, and we can write back and forth, and I’ll tell you where I think you might go wrong. We could discuss some profiles you like or don’t like, too, and see what your approach is. Does that sound worthwhile to you?

I do want to say, though, that you seem quite unwilling to really consider new ideas or change your approach or your thinking. You keep mentioning people who don’t deserve love who have love. Well, so what? That shows you that being deserving is neither a requirement nor a guarantee for finding love, so there’s no point in dwelling on it. I think you need to acknowledge that there is something you are doing that is not working, and that you’ll have to change something. Will you be open to that? Even if you’re right about something and the world is wrong, pragmatically speaking, you may have to try what you’re sure is the “wrong way.” The world will not be changing for you, you will have to change for it.

And one more thought here. You talk about what you need and want and deserve. If there’s someone out there for you, she will also want and need and deserve love. This love will have to come from you. Everything you want to come into your life will have to be provided by you for that other person. And she won’t be your perfect person at all. She will be flawed – you’ll have to accept flaws that are different from yours, flaws that annoy you, and try to love her anyway, because that is what you are asking of her too.
I don’t know your user name, so write enough that I can tell it’s you. (Not just “Hey” or “Hello”) And I have this feeling that you do not smile in any of your photos. You MUST smile in some photos.

Hope to hear from you soon, either here or there!