Hello All,

First of all, I’ve been a contributor to the forums for quite some time – both as an asker and an adviser but now I need some advice in a big way. It’s a long story but essentially it goes like this:

My partner and I met three years ago. He is a kind, sweet, decent man who treats me very well and whom I love very much. We’ve been living together for just under two years. In the early stages of our relationship, he used to tell me about his father: how he had run out on my partner and his family before my partner turned one in order to marry his secretary. He’d told me about the absence, the memory of watching his Dad drive off in a U-Haul truck while my partner chased after him on his bike, crying. He’d told me about the messy divorce and the legal charges and the disconnect and the verbal, mental and emotional abuse he’d suffered at the hands of his Dad all his life. I knew things were tough between them but I’d only met his dad twice – once, briefly, at a graduation party within which we exchanged maybe two words and again when he passed through town and stopped to have dinner, also briefly.

About two years ago, his Dad got a job offer in the town where we live. He came up and moved, temporarily, into my partner’s house (We were not yet living together). We had a barbecue on his first night there and invited a few college friends as well as his dad’s girlfriend and my partner’s younger brother. To make a long story somewhat shorter…he got drunk and got really, aggressively verbally inappropriate with me, at one point saying “Everything from your feet to your eyeballs is great, you’ve got a great a$$ but your brain is sh*t.” I (I was sober) replied by saying “Shame on you. That is incredibly inappropriate. I’m walking away now.” And I did. But it didn’t stop there. I think I had embarrassed him and, for the last two years (this is not an over-exaggeration – it has been constant) he has just attacked me repeatedly – although he has never again done it to my face. Since that initial incident, he chooses to go through my partner, sending the most brutal, scathing, insulting, cruel emails, text messages and phone calls I’ve ever seen – insulting everything from my character to my career and generally dis-inviting me from everything in which he is even moderately involved.

For my partner’s part – he has historically stood up for me as best he can but the pull of, somewhere in his heart, being a little boy who has always wanted a relationship with his dad has been pretty tough for him and, most often, he ends up wavering, redacting his boundaries and apologizing to his father. This has bred alot of resentment and distrust between us. Over the years, I personally have reached out to his father, offered to speak via email or phone in an attempt to resolve differences, etc. etc. etc. He has never picked up a phone call or responded to an email I’ve sent…choosing rather to rage at my partner about me.

To bring this into the modern day…my partner’s youngest brother is graduating from West Point in May. He and I were planning on flying out to attend the graduation. My partner’s father would be there as well. Two weeks ago, my partner’s father called him and told him that he didn’t want me to come, claiming that it would be “too awkward” and that he’s already got “too much on his plate”. I, once more, wrote him a lovely email offering to talk about whatever was bothering him and wishing him well. He replied with the most insane rage I’ve ever seen, whipping an email off to my partner that did several things:

1) never mentioned my name, instead calling me ‘her’
2) continually disrespected our long-term, live-in relationship by claiming that my partner has just been “sleeping with me”
3) Called me fat
4) Called me stupid
5) Accused me of consciously trying to hold my partner back personally, professionally and spiritually (???)
6) Said “she has never and will never be a part of my family”
7) Told my partner that if he is stupid enough to get me pregnant and thus be forced to marry me, he won’t be attending the wedding
8) Ripped my partner apart, individually, for about 1,000 perceived shortcomings and inadequacies

Now…to back this up a bit: BEFORE I sent my partner’s father the email, he and I agreed in a very calm, very rational way that if his father responded with anything approaching “yes, let’s talk this out” we would move forward with our New York plans. If not, however, we would utilize his brother’s post-graduation time off and take him on a separate trip to celebrate, choosing to forgo the graduation all-together. When his dad responded with that vile email, my partner contacted his brother and informed him that we wouldn’t be coming. The brother was fine with it and said “I respect whatever you guys choose to do.” He was excited about the separate trip and responded favorably to the whole thing.

Fast forward two weeks…. I’m not sure what’s happened but my partner has since wavered on this three times. Once after another cruel email from his father, once after talking to his incredibly codependent sister and once (last night) after a counseling session. He now tells me that he feels like going to the graduation is the right thing and that he needs to do it to be closer to his family.

Here are my issues:

1) The moment my partner got that first phone call, I knew what we were in for because we’ve been down this road before. I told him that there were two things that would be deal-breakers for me: going to NY without me and telling me things that he would later redact
2) We agreed upon a specific plan of action that, I feel, is very sane, very healthy and serves the same purpose (bonding and celebration) without the insanity that is guaranteed by flying into this storm to attend the graduation
3) He has done this (gone back on promises) multiple times before and I can’t handle always feeling less important than anyone else.

That said – I’ve issued him an ultimatum: go to NY and I hit the road. The reason for this is that I feel that, by continuing to allow his father to abuse everyone but refusing to opt out of his presence, we simply allow the circle of abuse to continue. I don’t see how it is healthy or sane to simply absorb that kind of cruelty from him and then hop on his bandwagon anyway and, in the interest of my heart, mind and health, I would much rather stick to our original plan of an alternate trip. My question to you lovely people: is this fair? Can anyone offer some insight here? It’s terribly complex but I do know one thing: I can’t always, always be the piece that gets negotiated out in the end….