I’m in a real dilemma, feeling torn, heartbroken, doubtful & angry. I’m 34 & been with my husband (33yrs) for 11yrs and married for 2.5yrs, no children. We took 8yrs to get married as we wanted to be 100% sure, and also both coming from divorced homes, we were cautious of making the same mistakes. His mother left him when he was 15 and that caused him major turmoil, health wise and psychologically and I don’t believe he has ever really forgiven her or dealt with it fully, even though he has had many years of therapy on/off, and may disagree.

He seems to have a major problem with commitment and boundaries and admittedly, has a very selfish nature. In saying that, we are best of friends, and there is a lot of love between us but let me explain my dilemma.

A few months after we got engaged, he called it off for numerous reasons. I was broken, left in absolute shock but a few weeks later and after much discussion, he seemed to be ok with the idea again, and a little while later, he re-proposed. I asked him a million times if he was absolutely sure this time round & he convinced me he was and I believed it.

So then we got married in 2012 and it was absolutely perfect!

Few months down the line, I discover he has been having some sort of chat relationship with an older women from another city –apparently only met her once and hit it off and became friends. This went on for weeks and weeks, with him hiding his phone, putting a password on it, secretly chatting to her –but denying everything about his behavior and making me feel like I was going crazy and that I had major trust issues.

Long story short, we get through this, I forgive him –although it wasn’t the first “phone chat” issue we had faced.

16 months down the line, he pretty much ends it. Tells me he needs to be alone, can’t commit, can’t guarantee he won’t have an affair, never wanted to get married in the first place, can’t be with just one women, what we have is not enough, it’s over, nothing more I can do. I move out, we take a break, I’m broken and in utter confusion once again… but then 2 months down the line he agrees to try and make things work again.

The past 18 months have been just wonderful and I felt so incredibly safe and secure & my anxiety eased up. I worked hard at rebuilding my trust for him and committed to giving him the space he needs, living more independently, etc.etc. We have many long term plans in place, and even talking about & trying to have children.

Well, as of a few weeks ago, it’s happened yet again! He has moved out, he wants to be alone again, needs his independence, tired of having to consider others, told me he has lost his connection with me, just wants to be friends, needs to find himself, can’t just be with one women, even considering that he may be a polyamorist & is exploring that (needs more than one intimate relationship in his life)

So what is your humble opinion? Is this just something he will go through once a year or so and I just need to accept it, or does he genuinely want to go? My problem is that when we aren’t in a situation like this, we are just about perfect!! There is so much love and happiness and I feel it’s real but then this happens and I question everything. He seems as though he doesn’t understand it either, just has this terrible void that he just can’t seem to fill & feels we aren’t enough. He is heavy with guilt for doing this to me yet again & loves me deeply, but can’t seem to put a stop to it. He has started therapy again but when he is in therapy, it just seems to make him even more confused. I am also in therapy.

While my gut tells me that it’s time to just let him go & I just don’t know how to give him up and the life we have worked so hard at building together. What if we end it and he finds that he has made a terrible mistake?! How do I forgive him for ruining my life? How do I stop loving him?