Home→Forums→Relationships→Is it too late? Please tell me it isn't.
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May 4, 2019 at 9:51 pm #292407
sadman11ParticipantShe said we should take a break. I was hurt, she was hurt. So we stopped talking. It feels like I lost her. Sure it hasn’t been a full day yet, but it feels like the last day.
We’ve been through a lot. I was always willing to compromise to make it work because I loved her. I never wanted to give up. But I’m very jealous. I get hurt hearing about her past, and I criticize her for it. I make her feel bad for what she did. But this isn’t love. This is destruction caused by hate fueled by jealousy.
Today I pulled the last straw. She had enough because she wasn’t happy. She needed time away from me. I got into a petty argument with her and told her she doesn’t know anything about the world. She felt insulted, as if I called her stupid. I never meant for her to feel this way. But I said enough. Apologizing won’t fix this. Of course, this wasn’t the only thing.
Months ago, I got drunk and mad at her and I told her that there was a girl I talked to before her that was ‘better’ than her but instead I chose her. This is not an accurate representation of how I felt. I loved her and she was my ‘best’. She is all I want. But she can no longer believe that. She can no longer believe me when I tell her that I love her.
It’s like I lose control of my emotions because of something she said, or something I learned of her past that I do not like and I intentionally hurt her. So I say what I will eventually regret just to make her feel guilty. I am weak. Emotionally. And I am willing to change that. I want to be with her.
But I feel that it’s too late to change. That the damage is done. And she can no longer be happy with me. She will always remember what I said.
Should I let her go? Or should I change and fight for her?
May 5, 2019 at 6:47 am #292423
AnonymousGuestDear sadman11:
Having re-read your posts in your other threads and our communication there, my answer to your question is: yes, you should let her go and leave her alone.
You’ve been an angry young man for a long time, angry since you were a child because, as you put it, “all I got was a dysfunctional family that neglected me”. You transferred your early life anger at your parents who neglected you-> to your now ex girlfriend (who should remain ex). In other words, you mistreated her. You tried to forgive her, stated at one time that you did, but you were not able to forgive her and you kept torturing her.
Of course you should let her go, for her sake. It will be the kind thing to do for her.
As far as you are concerned, will you tell me about your childhood experience, what happened there, how your parents betrayed your early trust in them?
anita
May 5, 2019 at 9:00 am #292441sadman11ParticipantI was neglected by my mother. She paid no attention to me. My father had a lot of anger. He would always get angry with me. He would yell at me. My parents were divorced and separate. When my father was at work, his daughter (from another woman) who was an adult during my childhood would torture me. Treated me like an animal. I don’t have the heart to talk about the specifics because it’s too humiliating. And when I told my father he didn’t believe me. Left me for years of torture with this monster.
I feel like a representative of the quote, “He who fight with monsters might take care lest He thereby become a monster”. I became the monster that I fought all my life.
I wish I could be loved. But I guess I’m undeserving of love. I finally found someone that loved me and all I did was hurt her. Now I’m all alone again. Maybe I should give up the search for love and just harness my evil.
May 5, 2019 at 9:12 am #292445AnonymousGuestDear sadman11:
I felt bad reading that you were tortured by this woman, your father’s daughter, every day when he was at work, and he didn’t believe you, or chose to not be bothered by it. And he got angry at you, not at her..?
The way for you to undo the monster you became, according to your quote, is to separate the ones who tortured you (father’s daughter), expressed anger at you, the victim (your father) and the one who neglected and abandoned you to the torturing woman and the angry man (your mother)-
-separate those from the innocent boy that you were, sort of remove, or unglue those people from the trusting, innocent, loving boy who was victimized and mistreated by them.
You mentioned before going to therapy, clearly, if some work was done, there is plenty more to do. What work was done by this point, in therapy?
*I will be away from the computer for a couple of hours or so.
anita
May 5, 2019 at 9:17 am #292447
MarkParticipantsadman11
Your moniker and what Anita has pointed out are reasons for you to focus on healing yourself.
Start with having a loving relationship with yourself.
Mark
May 5, 2019 at 9:26 am #292449sadman11ParticipantI have separated everyone from my life. I’m all alone. That’s why I am here. I have no one to talk to.
When I went to therapy, the therapist recommended that I try some meditation and mindfulness. I haven’t been practicing any of this. But maybe it’s about time I work the discipline to do so.
May 5, 2019 at 9:54 am #292457AnonymousGuestDear sadman11:
By separating I meant mentally, emotionally, in addition to physically/ geographically. I will next be away from the computer, most likely, until tomorrow morning, about 17 hours from now. Please add anything you would like to add, as I would like to read more from you and understand better. I will thoroughly read and reply to you when I am back.
anita
May 5, 2019 at 10:27 am #292463
InkyParticipantHi sadman11,
If a guy who thinks of himself as a “sadman” started comparing me to other girls who were better, and criticized me I would “take a break” from him too.
Don’t be fooled. She didn’t take a break. She dumped you.
Maybe, just maybe, NEXT YEAR come back with a new way of looking at yourself and apologize. It might be more meaningful after some change and distance has passed.
Best,
Inky
May 5, 2019 at 1:24 pm #292483
BrandyParticipantHi sadman11,
I believe it’s never too late to recognize our mistakes and to make things right with other people. You are not the first person to project your own self-hatred onto another person. It happens every day and in every town. Make things right with her, not because you want to get her back but because it’s the right thing to do. Rewrite your original post as a letter to her. Let her know that you’re aware of your issues and that you’re going to get help for them. Let her know she’s done nothing wrong, that she has a right to feel hurt and insulted by the things you’ve said and done, and that you very much regret doing those things. Apologize to her, and then wish the best for her and let her go.
Next, forgive yourself, right now, and become the person you want to be. Yep, you get to decide who you want to be. It’s a decision that you get to make every day before you get out of bed in the morning. And then be that person. Every single day.
What I see through your writing is a broken man who sees himself as a monster. I don’t see a monster at all. I see a good person who’s in a lot of pain.
B
May 5, 2019 at 9:46 pm #292517sadman11ParticipantMay 5, 2019 at 11:26 pm #292529
Juan Carlos CoachParticipantGreat, thanks for sharing…
May 6, 2019 at 11:22 am #292599BrandyParticipantYou are welcome, sadman11! -B
May 6, 2019 at 12:21 pm #292601AnonymousGuestDear sadman11:
Please pay attention to the following. I want you to pay attention because if you are already back in the relationship with this young woman, I would like it to work for your benefit and hers:
You wrote earlier in this thread: “It’s like I lose control of my emotions because of something she said, or something I learned of her past that I do not like and I intentionally hurt her”-
– notice this: you “intentionally hurt her” not because of “something (you) learned of her past”, but because of what happened in your past.
This is part of what happened in your past: “When my father was at work, his daughter.. who was an adult during my childhood would torture me. Treated me like an animal. I don’t have the heart to talk about the specifics because it’s too humiliating”.
Understandably you carry that anger, at that woman who tortured you when you were a child, and it is this anger that gets activated when you are with your girlfriend.
You can break this pattern of punishing your girlfriend for what your father’s daughter did to you, by controlling what you say to your girlfriend when you feel that old anger get activated. No matter how angry you feel, hold your tongue, don’t try to say something to hurt your girlfriend. If you are having a particular difficult time, take a time out to relax, and after you are calm, then contact your girlfriend.
To heal yourself from the abuse you suffered so to no longer be repeatedly and intensely angry, it does take quality psychotherapy where you will talk about what happened to a qualified, empathetic therapist and over time, your hurt and anger will lessen and lessen, so you will not have such a difficult time in your relationship with your girlfriend, and otherwise in life. Your depression will lift and you will live a much better life.
anita
June 3, 2019 at 12:00 am #297141sadman11ParticipantThank you so much for that. I wished I would have seen it a lot earlier.
To update you:
I reached out to her and we talked. She just wanted a break but we got back and worked things out. Things started getting better, then we got into some more fights. But lately, I’ve finally learned from all of this. Things have gotten much better between us and we are happy.
I’m looking forward to what the future holds.
June 3, 2019 at 8:18 am #297159AnonymousGuestDear sadman11:
You are welcome. You wrote that you wish you could have seen it (my post to you from May 6) earlier. Please do reread it from time to time. It is very important, for that “looking forward to what the future holds”, that you do get a hold on your anger. That you remember that your anger is about what happened to you as a child, long before you ever met your girlfriend
If you feel overwhelmed by your anger, do seek counseling/ therapy with a competent professional so to decrease the intensity of it by expressing it. There are also anger management classes that may be available where you live.
I hope to read more from you as that future that you are looking forward to unfolds.
anita
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