Home→Forums→Relationships→Is taking a 'break' okay?
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Oleh.
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December 23, 2018 at 8:21 am #270583
AnonymousGuestDear IpkR09:
It is a good choice to “make sure she stays away from things that are important to (you)”-
Not “Till she understands that I have nothing but only her best interest in my mind”- I don’t think she has an understanding that you don’t have her best interest in your mind- but until she has your best interest in her mind.
anita
December 23, 2018 at 8:23 am #270587
Ik09ParticipantYeah that ….. Hehe… It has to be that way…
December 23, 2018 at 8:26 am #270591AnonymousGuestI hope so, IpkR09!
anita
April 10, 2019 at 11:16 am #288545Ik09ParticipantHey Anita!
I am back again!
I need some courage to finally talk to my sister about things and I don’t know how to proceed with it. She doesn’t even necessarily sit and talk to me but I feel it’s about time to do it.
So about the break. The guy I am dating currently is a rather ethical man and unfortunately a people pleaser. He is unhappy still that my sister does not approve.
So, in the month of January, my sister came home and I tried talking to her about him. She refused to acknowledge him and tried taking things a little further from the situation they were at.
The guy I am dating, Well, he had expressed his love for me and in fact, wants to get married to me as well. I, however, don’t want to rush things with him. I want both of us to know each other better and then think of anything further than dating. I really like him though.
I want to come out of the net of being responsible to anybody else because of my actions, especially if it is related to my love life.
I don’t know how to proceed.
April 10, 2019 at 12:24 pm #288567AnonymousGuestDear IpkR09:
Welcome back!
“I don’t know how to proceed”, you wrote. But reads to me that you have a good plan on how to proceed: “I, however, don’t want to rush things with him. I want both of us to know each other better and then think of anything further than dating”.
Your Dec 2018 plan regarding your sister was also a good plan: to “make sure she stays away from things that are important to me”, including your romantic relationship.
What is it that you are not sure about?
anita
April 10, 2019 at 12:50 pm #288569Ik09ParticipantOkay so, as I have mentioned before, the guy I am dating was my sister’s friend. I am joining my Ph.D. in June and since I will be away from home, He wants me to not hide anything about us dating from my parents or siblings. I told my parents that I am dating him and that they should form their own opinions after they meet him instead of borrowing my sister’s. They agreed.
Also, the break that he said we should undertake in Dec., well it lasted for only a week. Neither of us found any point in staying away when we are happy together and also doing well in our respective lives when we have one another. But I didn’t say anything about the break to my sister nor did I tell her when we resolved the break. However, My mum told her about the break. She then resumed talking to me. I didn’t know the reason she was normal to me. I thought she was okay with it now. Later when I got to know about the actual situation that my sister thought I was on a break with my guy, I thought I will sort it out when my entrance exams get over. My last exam was on the 3rd of April. I decided and spoke to my parents about the relationship and I think I should talk to my sister as well. She is in another city and will be visiting soon, but my dilemma here is how to proceed. Although I don’t care for her approval, the guy I am dating, well he wants that even if she isn’t happy about it, she should at least know so that she doesn’t come to know from an outside source and think that we lied to her about the relation.
I don’t know how to proceed in this. To be honest, I am a bit tired confessing and convincing people! I wish I was living in a western country where children tell their parents and family about their decision and just leave them to deal with their own reactions.
April 10, 2019 at 1:13 pm #288571AnonymousGuestDear IpkR09:
I will be back with you in less than an hour from now.
anita
April 10, 2019 at 1:14 pm #288573Ik09ParticipantI am not in a hurry, your words are valuable and so I am willing to wait.
April 10, 2019 at 2:16 pm #288585AnonymousGuestDear IpkRO9:
If I remember and understand correctly, your boyfriend wants your parents and your sister to know about your relationship, especially when you leave June next year for your PhD program. Your parents did not meet him yet. Your sister already disapproved of him as your boyfriend/ future husband and your parents are greatly influenced by your sister, as she seems to have taken the dominant position in the family.
Your boyfriend wants your sister to know of the relationship even if she doesn’t approve of it.
My question is: is your boyfriend’s intent to continue the relationship with you, progressing toward marriage contingent on your sister’s/ parents’ approval, or is he intending to continue the relationship with you without their approval?
– I will wait for your answer before I attempt to answer your question regarding your sister’s visit soon, telling her or not…
Also- did you express to him clearly that you need more time to date him, to get to know each other and that you are not ready to consider marriage at this point, if so, what was his response?
anita
April 10, 2019 at 2:20 pm #288587
MarkParticipantlpkR09
It sounds like the main issue is the man you are dating is needing your sister’s approval. Is that right?
It is not your responsibility to “fix” things between your sister and him. If he is having a problem with her then it is up to him to deal with her.
I would find it hard to consider marriage with someone that cannot take charge or responsibility with issues that are their issues. For me that is somewhat a red flag for that is an indicator on how he would handle other issues/areas of his life.
Mark
April 10, 2019 at 2:22 pm #288591Ik09ParticipantHe although does not make it apparent, he feels bad that his friend is suddenly so against him. Still, he says he will be if my sister does not agree but he wants to seek approval of my parents. He says it will affect our relation in future since eventually it will make me unhappy.
As far as I know my parents, they shall agree if that is what makes me truly happy. But not my sister. It’s really hard to predict her reaction.
April 10, 2019 at 2:27 pm #288593MarkParticipantlpkR09,
I get that this is something significant between him and his friend/your sister. I assume you have already told him that your parents are OK with you two.
I am uncomfortable how it sounds he is putting this sister disapproval issue on your shoulders by saying it will affect the relationship between him and you in the future. In a not-so-subtle way, he is offloading the responsibility of “fixing” this onto you rather than taking ownership.
Again, a red flag in my eyes.
Mark
April 10, 2019 at 2:31 pm #288595Ik09ParticipantHe said he will talk to her about it as well.
You are right, I would see it as a red flag myself but he did handle things when she last disturbed his life. She spread rumours that he was pursuing me when I saw him as my sister’s friend and nothing more. His flatmates started seeing him as clingy and make fun of him. He sat them down and spoke to them about everything. His flatmates stopped gossiping with my sister about this relationship at least. My sister was a close friend so naturally she knew his secrets. She bared them all to his friends and flatmates. Everyone has a past mixed with some proud moments and some not so proud moments. It feels frustrating when we cannot control whom we share them with and whom we don’t.
He also helped me deal with my side when it was too much since my sister had taken to a point where it was too much. She had gone through my old phone when I was in college, two three years ago. I had no idea about it. She saw my conversations with my ex and shared them with my mother and when she saw even that didn’t bother me, then with my dad as well.
April 10, 2019 at 2:36 pm #288597Ik09ParticipantThere are a lot of uncomfortable stuff we wouldn’t rather not tell everyone and for both of us, the current situation is that nearly all his friends and my family members, even few cousins and relatives know.
He wants to talk to her. In fact i had made it clear in November itself that last time the first impact was on me so the next time he would initiate and take the first blow.
Thank you Mark for taking out your time to talk to me. I really appreciate it.
April 10, 2019 at 2:40 pm #288599AnonymousGuestDear IpkRO:
Questions:
1. Did you express to your boyfriend clearly that you are not ready to get married, that you want the two of you to date and get to know each other further, not considering marriage for the time being, and if so, what was his response?
2. As far as your boyfriend is concerned, is his intent to continue the relationship with you (and marry you if the two of you get to that point) with you without your parents’ approval?
3. Does he understand that your sister’s position is powerful and that your parents may disapprove of him simply because your sister disapproves of him?
4. Is he expecting you to convince your sister and your parents, to talk to them and do all the very hard work of trying to convince them all to approve of him?
anita
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