Hello Jay

First of all, thank you for going through the entire thread and sharing your story. I had been feeling like I was stuck in some kind of over dramatic Tele-Novella but reading your story I feel that it is best that I start being selfish.

Due to all this, the man I am seeing and I, we had a bad night yesterday and a bad day today. Yet he was there, still caring. I have never experienced this, people still caring for me when they are angry. It is not a trait I have seen in my parents either. I have always been taught to compromise and keep things bottled up inside. The result is I am always miserable. I had lost hope of me achieving anything just because of how caged I felt and yet was unable to break through. I have spent hours and hours thinking and crying about my weakness of being there for my family each step and yet they tell me I am selfish and only think about myself. I don’t like reminding people of the things I do for them because then it wouldn’t even matter(if I am doing it only for their appreciation). But I had always made it clear to all of them that I may compromise with my happiness in everything else but not when it comes to choosing my life partner. So the mere fact that I have to talk about ‘him’ again and again defending him infront of my parents and thinking of how to tackle things with my sister, is making me irritated and even a little crazy.

Iwas afraid of losing her as my sister because that’s what she Said. If you talk to him, forget that we are related. And I was in a dilemma should I choose my sister who is my own blood, with whom I have no constructive discussion or anything fruitful OR do I choose the man who is not only patient and understanding as a partner but also a great friend. It’s a big decision to make specially when I need to be calm enough to focus on myself.

Reading your story however I realised that this is not some kind of once in a blue moon situation. There are many siblings who are inconsiderate and they won’t stop being that way. It’s us who has to find our own happiness. If at all, she ever cared for me, she will come around.

If not, I shall have to let go. I will miss her but If she cannot see what actually makes me happy then it is not appropriate for me to try pleasing her and make myself miserable.

Also I remember when I had first asked her about my guy. She told me she does not care whether I ever get a guy who has a strong chemistry with me or if I am ever able to be happy again, she just does not want me to date him.

I think it’s clear what I have to do.

I am really happy for sharing your story and insight. It is beautiful how people go beyond borders of continents and countries and stand along with people in need. World needs more people like you.

Stay strong and stay happy.

Whenever you feel like sharing something, talk to me again. I would love hearing from you and I would do the same for you.

The fight was nasty because we pointed out things we don’t like about each other all at once and it seemed to make him go back into his shell.  We didn’t call each other names,  I cannot do it to him even if it is the worst fight ever and he doesn’t do it either.  I told him that sometimes I feel judged when he points out something really opposite to me in other women.  What sparked the fight that day was he compared my funny remark to my sister and I flared up. I hate being compared to her and he knows this.

He said he thinks I am a weak person and that hurt me.

I told him that he should learn to lean on people sometimes and that seemed to hurt him.

Before the fight we took time to cool off due to the ongoing stress and it was me who wanted it. He said he needed no time away but he was supportive and didn’t disturb me for the next two days.  I cooled off,  he had said that in the next two days you cool off while I will make sure no emotions change from my end.  He kept saying baby take care again and again because the phone call connection was weak(he was traveling between two states).  When I ended the call that day I felt so good about having such a beautiful soul in my life.

But after the two days when I contacted him again,  he seemed to behave like a recovering patient.  He was talking to me as if I was his bro and it bothered me a little but I didn’t say anything (it was stupid to make an issue out of it) so when I returned the same tone. He was like I am not your buddy or bro…  Then he said it’s my fault since I started that tone.  You just gave me what I deserved.

But he seemed even more hurt after that.  And so I confronted him and he said he doesn’t have any energy to think or do anything now.  He doesn’t care. And he can’t spend more time fighting.  This was during our fight.  I was hurt as well and so i let it be.  We still texted each other that day but on lighter notes like a funny thing that we saw or a beautiful place we visited.

About four days went by on such terms(in between these four days he scolded me one day to stop saying sorry for not immediately responding to anyone’s text.  I said I said sorry only to not seem rude but he was angry and said that this habit of yours makes you look weak in front of others and I hate it) then I told him that let us forget the hurt and start anew. He agreed.  But he said let’s take things really slow and let the hurt dissolve on its own.

Two days after he called me while coming back home,  we talked about various things but at one point he made a comment about a friend of his whom he used to call his brother until I made him see that he just used my guy to get information about his life to use them as gossips later and calculated the amount of money he has borrowed from my guy.  Around 15k inr. So after that he talks to him normally but isn’t attached to him like before but I had never seen him use bad words for anyone.  He said i am irritated by that good for nothing person. I said that is a rude thing to say then he said why?  Because your sister does the same thing?  I became silent toh he said felt bad or something that I said something about your sister? I said why do you assume things so fast. After that phone call,  we didn’t have another. In fact our talking was minimal as well.

After yesterday’s post.  I decided to ask him few things he said he has problems going on at home.  I said do you want to talk about it.  He always used to.  He said no.  I don’t feel like talking to anyone about it. I said okay but if you do,  I am here and my lips are sealed as well.  He said ok.

Then again today all day he kept being on his own.  Then he texted me seeing a post of mine. As soon as I replied he went offline.  He only replies when I am offline.  Felt weird.  And I couldn’t contain things so I asked do you feel weird when I say sweet names to you like before or send you love or kiss emojis?  He did not respond.  I said just say yes or no.  No explanation needed.

After few seconds,  he said yes.  Then he said I feel awkward because I am unable to respond to them.  I don’t know why am I not able to but I feel guilty when I am not able to feel the same way you are but it’s cool if you want to send it when you feel like it.  Then he said, “I think I still have a lot of irritation inside and that is why I am laying low. My intensity for the relationship has gone down. I don’t know what would happen between us.  Will it ever be same as before? I don’t know. ” I said if things are not the same again,  we will move away.

To this he said,  “you need a decision right away now? ”

I said I didn’t say that,  I said if it is not the same then.

He then said when your sister comes home,  again these issues will be discussed and again she will trouble you.

I said I am not going to tell her anything. Will just say I am dating you the day I leave for college so that there is no room for further discussion on this topic.

He then said your sister is so ruthless that I am sure she will trouble you even in college.  She is the ?.  And I am worried about that.

I said you don’t have to worry about this. You should know my strength and I have decided to not stand down to bullies. If I have to cut off contact for my inner peace,  I might just do it.

He then said, “please don’t. Not for me. Then he said I would be happy if you don’t think about any of these things. Not even us. If we are able to be like before it’s okay and we will continue.  We will get to know that with time. Right now we need to be good companions and well wishers.  That is it.

Then after few minutes he said even if we break up now you will laugh about how stupid it all was in a yearyear.  Life changes you know and this is not important. The world is so big and we have so many things to do and see.  Love is not enough everything.

I said yes it is not everything but having a loving partner gives us strength and courage to face the world.

He said I agree and so we need to be slow and steady than rushing back into things.

I don’t understand the pace he is talking about.  When a day before our fight when he was treating me like a friend,  I said do you want to be friends…  He had become upset. What is this phase which is more than friends but less than being in a relationship. It is not friends with benefits either.  I feel confused but he has interviews lined up for next twenty days to change companies.  And I don’t want to bother him any further as well plus judging by his behavior he seems fed up of talking about us.  So I have me and I don’t understand anything ??.  I don’t know if I should be laughing but I feel like it.

I am not a weak person though,  I know that because I have been through feelings of abandonment, worthlessness and controlling people in my life and I didn’t break down.  He has a lot of troubles financially back at his home,  his parents made some poor investment choices and ended up with some debts that they expect him to pay off and he has been trying from his end and so he says changing his job when he is getting a salary hike in his current company is necessary so that he can get paid even more in the next company.

He looks tired even when he tries to smile. He used to drink heavily every weekend when we had initially met, he used to tell me that our relationship helped him think away from his issues.

He has dropped drinking heavily and casually used to have beers twice a month and now he dropped that too.  Said he shall become a social drinker. And has been true to his word. He is trying everything that would make my sister approve of him but in doing all this I think he started hatjng how much effect she has on this relationship.

I understand that my sister and things she does has become a huge issue in his mind and that has made our relationship sour in his mind.

I feel slightly better but  I feel bad that my relationship is dying when there is no real trouble as such apart from my sister of course.

Its not about my sister or his friend.  I don’t like using degrading words for anyone. Even for people who don’t resonate with me,  I have a hard time finding words that are little easier to be listened to.  Maybe sugar coating is the word.

I didn’t even realise that this is something bad that I was doing until now.