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It's so hard to live with myself

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • August 16, 2019 at 4:00 pm #308269
    sofia
    Participant

    I can’t deal with this pain anymore. I feel like I’ve already ruined my whole life, more specifically my relationship with my family.

    I have what I think is OCD, but I’m not sure if it is because I haven’t been diagnosed. It all started out when I was 11, and started having intrusive thoughts about my mom. Now I’m 15, and it is so much worse. Now I’m afraid I’ve actually done things to my family.

    I get “groinal responses” which is a term that’s commonly used by people with sexual OCD obsessions. It’s when you focus so much on trying not to have a response in your groin, that you have a response in your groin. Now for me, this response is not sexual at ALL, I know that because it can be so easily triggered by even a word. And I know if it was real arousal that wouldn’t happen. But I do have a fear that I’m trying to have the response sometimes, and this causes me so much stress. Recently, I’m afraid I’ve tried to have this response to my own family. I feel like I can’t even live with myself. My family is the most important thing in my life. I love them so much, but if I really tried to have this response from them, I don’t know if I can even live with myself. I know this will literally make no sense, and I’m sorry for that but, I have no one I can really talk about this specific issue with. And I feel so horrible. I’m afraid I’ve ruined my relationship with my own parents because of this and I’m only 15.

    • This topic was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by sofia.
    August 16, 2019 at 4:49 pm #308273
    sofia
    Participant

    Update: I told my mom about it, and how I was afraid I ruined our relationship, and she told me that I didn’t, and that she will always love me and never think of me differently.

    August 16, 2019 at 5:15 pm #308275
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sofia:

    Five days ago you I suggested you seek professional help as soon as possible. Your reply to me, Aug 11: “Okay, thank you Anita. My mom was just going to find me a therapist.. and maybe getting diagnosed.. I do want to know if I have OCD, and if I should be taking medication, so I’ll bring it up to her. I’ll be sure to update after I seek professional help”-

    -Did your mother set an appointment for you to see a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist?

    anita

    August 16, 2019 at 5:20 pm #308279
    sofia
    Participant

    No she hasn’t yet. Something went wrong with the insurance failing, so she can’t get me a therapist or psychiatrist yet. I will eventually though.

    August 16, 2019 at 5:57 pm #308289
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sofia:

    “I will eventually though” is not good enough. There are free counseling services available for teenagers, be it through your high school or a community resource, counseling services available for people who  do not have health insurance and who can not afford to pay.

    Go yourself to your school nurse or school counselor, tell that person that “It’s so hard to live with myself”, tell him or her what you shared here on your various threads, and ask for help.

    There is nothing here that I can do, or any other member can do to help you with your sexual thoughts and obsessions, it takes a trained professional to help you with this.

    Please let me know Monday, how your discussion with the school nurse or counselor went.

    anita

    August 16, 2019 at 6:23 pm #308297
    sofia
    Participant

    Ok, I will think about doing it. That would be very difficult to do, but I am at a point where I think it’s necessary that I do it.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by sofia.
    August 16, 2019 at 6:29 pm #308301
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sofia:

    It is necessary for you to seek help at school because obviously your mother didn’t arrange for help for you. The OCD websites you go to, describing and going on and on about your sexual obsessions- those websites will not help you. You may find some sexual pleasure going on about those obsessions, but that will not help your mental health.

    anita

    August 16, 2019 at 6:39 pm #308303
    sofia
    Participant

    Ok, I appreciate your response Anita, I will do it for sure then. I don’t have any real sexual pleasure from my sexual obsessions.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by sofia.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by sofia.
    August 16, 2019 at 6:48 pm #308309
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sofia:

    Don’t share your sexual obsessions with strangers on the internet then. Share those obsessions, those thoughts, images, compulsions, all of those things with a health professional, such as a counselor in school, a psychotherapist, a psychiatrist. But not here, not online, and don’t read about others’ sexual stories online. If you want help- get it from a professional in a professional setting.

    anita

    August 16, 2019 at 7:08 pm #308313
    sofia
    Participant

    I won’t, thank you anita. I’ll tell you how it goes after I tell my school counselor.

    August 16, 2019 at 7:16 pm #308281
    Grenada
    Participant

    I here you. OCD can be very challenging to manage at times, but there are resources out there. With therapy & medication (if needed), people with OCD live relatively normal lives.

    On the other hand, sometimes we suppress memories, but our bodies hold memory. The sexual responses may be from deeper wounds. A memory in your body. It may not even be OCD related, or it could be the cause of the OCD.

    Either way, I recommend working through this with a therapist. And if you can find some groups that help people process sexual abuse etc. I’d recommend that.

    August 17, 2019 at 5:42 am #308335
    sofia
    Participant

    Thank you. I am very sure my responses aren’t sexual. They just happen because I focus on the area of my body and try not to get it, but when you do that there’s a reaction down there.

    August 19, 2019 at 2:01 am #308533
    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Sofia,

    This problem seemed to start when you were approaching puberty and you are still going through the process of change that has to happen for you to become an adult.  Your sexuality is just one aspect of that and, believe it or not, another aspect is that we rebel against our parents, their teachings, their rituals, their rules.

    You say that a word can provoke a sexual response.  I am going to suggest that the way you relate to a word provokes the sexual response.  If you think of your favorite food, your mouth may begin to salivate.  It’s a normal response.

    Why are you focusing so much on trying ‘not’ to have a response.  Of course you will get more of it.  Your mental energies are being directed to that area so you are getting a response in that area.

    I do hope that you can talk this through with a responsible adult as you seem to be feeling so guilty over what harm you may or may not have done and this problem is being exaggerated in your head beyond all proportion.

    Peggy

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