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  • #209325
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Derek:

    I think it will be very helpful for you, to work with your childhood anxiety, the origin of your anxiety and the one that will not calm down until you attend to it and process it. If you want, you can attend to it more here, on your thread, share about it from the heart, best you can, how it felt, how it was. I will reply gently every time you do, if you do.

    Do get well soon. Rest.

    anita

    #209337
    Derek
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    That is something I will consider for sure. I think I am slowly becoming more aware.

    Today for example, I am calm. Then, I spoke to a friend of mine from University who is completing her Masters. Now she is going to do a PhD in September. I immediately felt panic, and felt that I needed to look at University rankings. I felt panic that the UK will be ‘better’ for opportunities in the future and that I am crazy to do further study in Spain. That, I should end the relationship because if I move away it will be too hard to continue, so my heart pounds because I don’t want the relationship to end as I love him.

     

    I can’t help but all of these feelings are too rooted in childhood. The fear is future, the thought is ‘better in UK’ when in actual fact wherever I do further study will have positives and negatives. I imagine the comparison comes from childhood too. That I feel pressure because I have decided not to study until 2019, because I want to save money (my financial situation) and also because I want to keep going to therapy and learning. But, I overvalue myself on education, then thoughts creep in about his ‘lack of academic education’.

    Life is so much more than this. This is my second day at home resting because of the stomach bug and instead of resting I am researching and thus making myself feel bad.

     

    Derek

    #209351
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Derek:

    Got to endure that anxiety without automatically reacting to it, by the researching you have done (or are still doing) most recently. You were calm, then you spoke to a friend, then you felt fear, panic, then you reacted by researching.

    Let’s go back a few steps: you were calm, then you talked to a friend. Then you felt fear and a couple of thoughts followed out of that fear leading to more fear.

    This is the place to stop: recognize what happened and disengage from more thoughts. It is difficult to do, what I just suggested, to disengage. More insight into the origin of your fear can help with this very difficult step: to disengage from more thinking.

    Following disengaging, you don’t do the researching.

    The problem that needs to be resolved is not in an inadequate education, it is the ongoing arguing in your brain. The arguing will not stop by  engaging with it.

    Insight into your childhood, into the origin of that arguing in your brain, got to do that. It will make it possible for you to be able to better identify that arguing voice, that inner critic, that mental representative of your mother, and then disengage from it.

    anita

    #209383
    Derek
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    That all makes sense. I will attempt to do that.

    I think I have to accept that I am in anxious mode, for example, I want to google Masters in the ‘best universities’ in the UK because I feel it will provide me with a ‘better future’ and ‘career opportunities’, even though that would mean at the sacrifice of a very important relationship.

    #209389
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Derek:

    If all it took for you to no longer be anxious is to end your relationship with your partner, I would be all for it. Ending this relationship will do nothing to resolve your anxiety, nothing at all. The resolution of your anxiety is a long term project that requires a lot of patience, a lot of practice, being persistent while being distressed and it will take a few years if you are persistent and hard working, I believe.

    Until your next post, do take good care of yourself.

    anita

    #211483
    Derek
    Participant

    Anita,

     

    i hope that you are well.

    I come to write today from a sad place indeed. I am tired, worn out mentally, scared, lost. However I briefly read through the last few messages and feel a bit brighter, I DIDNT RESEARCH. Progress.

     

    This week has has been filled with uncertainty from my side. Like a sinking feeling in my stomach, and I am trying to let it go. Yesterday I felt clear again. But stressful moments at work made me feel down (I’m not very fulfilled with my job but of course am doing my best to stay calm there and appreciate it for what it is).

     

    After language class last night, I went for pizza with some classmates. (I was nervous about going, well I had an intrusive thought because sometimes I fear doing things without him which is why I went, it’s heslthy to form relationships, friendships). A girl there was talking about her relationship with her very attractive lawyer boyfriend. They are in crisis. They are moving to her country of origin where he doesn’t speak the language or have a job in the fall. She seemed nervous. Anyway, I told her not to worry, doubts are normal. I shared some examples. Then the trigger came.

     

    She asked how long long we had been together. I told her and she said

    “I would explore that more. So many doubts, I don’t think that’s normal. Doubting you love someone after nearly 3 years. The only people I have ever doubted are the ones who were not right for me”.

     

    And with that. I froze. I felt horrendous. Really scared. Although part of me thought “she’s not right, this is my relationship and we are ok” that didn’t last. Fast forward 30 mins I’m on a bus home and almost crying.

     

    I reaxh out to some friends/my brother:

     

    – feel like I have nobody to talk to about it.

    – thinking maybe psychotherapy will be better than my current therapy

     

    – feeling that maybe I’m just not ready for all of this. That all of my old wounds need to be worked on before I can be with someone.

     

    – maybe I should just go travel and study elsewhere and just love in peace alone.

     

    Etc.

     

    I got home. There is was. And I cried. I cried like I had never cried in years and years. He held me. I explained “I feel like I’m hurting you. Like you deserve better. Like I don’t know what my options are in this country. I’m fed up with work. I’m fed up with doubting and feeling scared.

     

    Youre my my best friend and I don’t want to lose you but I’m not sure how long I can go on feeling like this. I feel completely insane.” And I cried for about 10 mins and we lay together. He was calm. He supported me. He listened.

     

    I woke up now. Still not feeling great. Still worrying about the guy in the office and the fact he was in a dream again. Even though now that had calmed down – I really must express that this guy is much younger and really I think it’s sheer boredom on my part at work. But it’s intrusive. It’s scaring me.

     

    But. I didn’t google. I wanted to and I didn’t. I did this Monday – Wednesday but not last night. This week when I was tired of googling I looked for stuff for us to do as a couple. Better use of my energy.

     

    I ahould note note that I will have lived here a year this Monday June 11th. My year anniversary of finishing university has just passed. I’ve also felt very deep thougjys about my family etc.

     

    Thank you for your time as always.

    #211601
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Derek:

    You tried to help this woman with her doubts by sharing about yours. That worked against you. Better not share about your doubts to others indiscriminately, so to avoid their responses/triggers.

    You wrote that in 3 days it will be a year of you living in Spain. And that you “felt very deep thoughts about (your) family”- what thoughts?

    anita

     

     

    #211613
    Derek
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Thanks for your response.

    I have just been thinking things like when the dog was left at home ‘Well your Mother left you too’.

    Or in general thinking about my Father, and how we had no relationship.

     

    I will avoid talking about doubts. I have booked a session with a Psychotherapist and am going to try that instead of my current therapy.

    #211627
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Derek:

    After I posted the above to you I read your reply on the other thread, what a thoughtful, insightful reply!

    I do hope you attend psychotherapy with a good therapist. Got to go back to the past and address the origin of your anxiety. It is a necessary part of healing. You tried your best without addressing the past but reads to me that you do need to go there, to the past that is.

    anita

    #214917
    Derek
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Hope this message finds you well.

     

    I got to a psychotherapist this week. It was helpful, definitely can see how I catastrophize and how my internal dialogue can be very very ongoing.

     

    Im feeling a bit weird today and yesterday at home.

    I’ve had a very positive week:

    wednesday: we went to a concert. I felt v in love and secure in life. I told him. The little things he does that maybe annoy me didn’t annoy so much. I was worried about having photos together. In case we don’t look good. I took photos so as not to feed the anxiety. Then I criticised myself and in a roundabout way him (he’s not attractive “enough”)

     

    thursday: I got a job offer and accepted. Was very happy and couldn’t wait to get home to celebrate with him. I also finished my language course so went out with my friends after receiving our final grades. I had some alcohol, not a lot, but I did notice I wasn’t stopping so I forced myself to leave early to be careful.

     

    Friday: nervous to tell my job about the fact I was quitting. Met him for a coffee. Was worried about attraction…do I fancy him “enough”. Friday night however we went to the cinema and I felt calmer and clearer and in the street had to stop to tell him I thought he was very handsome.

    During the day he told me he was worried about his weight and I just had to tell him I don’t care if he puts weight on, I love him the same (weight issues do trigger me but i don’t want him to feel worse about a fact that can happen to anyone).

     

    Saturday: When he came home from work I was very happy to see him. Then something changed. same doubts about attraction. I had bought new clothes and enjoyed trying them on to show him. In the evening as soon as we left the house I felt calm. We went to the beach to watch a live concert (even though my anxiety says he never finds music events…) and on the beach I felt so calm I kissed him and told him I loved him and he looked so handsome.

     

    Sunday: back to very nervous feelings and particularly think that he maybe is too skinny because now I seem to find muscly and straight men attractive.  He went shopping and when he came home wanted to try on for me. So he did, and he looked great but I’m worried because even though he looked good I felt that there was something missing. And it makes me sad.

     

    I shojld add that this this morning (Sunday) I woke earlier and when he was waking I ran to see him. I told him all the qualities I loved about him and felt so happy. Now I’m back to where I was being grumpy and unsure.

     

    I’m even asking fear to show me what it’s afraid of. I’m asking myself the tough questions “Do you think you’re not attracted anymore?” “Would you think it’s better for you to break up?” But those questions don’t even feel like a reality.

     

    Feeling confused and would appreciate some advice.

     

     

    #214927
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Derek:

    You did very well leaving before drinking too much when you were out celebrating with friends. You made a good choice.

    You make lots of good choices, all through your recent account of Wednesday- Sunday. You try very hard to say and do the right things. Problem is your anxiety is relentless. As hard as you try, there it is, yet again.

    There is such a thing as healing from anxiety, beyond managing. Healing may not be complete, and it is definitely very slow, but it is possible and available. There are ways to make it happen faster than otherwise, a way to not regress again and again, to not get trapped repeatedly, stopping the healing process and starting from the beginning, time and time again.

    Not panicking, that is not escalating the fear when feeling and noticing it, is a big item in healing. Once you panic you go back to square one. It takes a whole lot to not panic. It takes some sort of confidence in your ability to endure the fear without collapsing, without the sky falling down, so to speak. It takes not being alarmed by the fear when you experience it. It is about, at one  point, the fear not being so great that it overwhelms you.

    In the psychotherapy you are attending, will you be looking at the origin of your anxiety? It is part of healing, not all of it, not enough, just part of it. It is that fear that is now stuck to your relationship. Fear is very sticky, it sticks to things.

    anita

    #215063
    Derek
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for your response. I really do appreciate them. I still am in a loop of anxiety – wondering if maybe I love him as a friend and not a lover. What does that even mean? A friend is a great place to be in, so why cause me panic.

    The anxiety just doesn’t stop. It’s not even a sense of dread, just constant thinking. Fear, pure fear.

     

    I am trying not to research. I googled today ‘Flinch when I see my photos’ and of course there were articles about ‘flinch when my partner touches me’ so I opened it. I don’t flinch when he touches me. Sex is enjoyable, and sometimes not, I think we have too many expectations around sex.

    I am going to ask about that in the psychotherapy. I am still considering seeing the other psychologist too.

    derek

    #215065
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Derek:

    You are welcome. It is unfortunate, to be living with “constant thinking. Fear, pure fear”- I know the experience. So many of us do. There is hope though, there is. One day this will not be your experience.

    You do know thought that the brain does take its breaks, mine did, with relaxing and very lively day dreaming when listening to music, drifting off to a make believe life. Or when at the beach, under the sun melting that fear, at other times, a break. I referred to those breaks as heavenly breaks.

    I hope you do get the professional help you are looking for and I hope it is help from capable professionals. In the meantime do take your heavenly breaks, your non-damaging heavenly breaks, that is (not alcohol breaks, for one).

    In a couple of hours or so I will be away from the computer for a couple of days (44 hours or so). Hope to read from you before or after my longer than usual break.

    anita

    #215115
    Derek
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Thanks for that. I will definitely try and take more heavenly breaks.

     

    I am doing my best today. It has been on my brain a bit – and for some reason I just saw some old photos of him on social media and I heard a voice:

     

    ‘You would just never be attracted to him, you’re just not’

     

    Then I saw a different one and wanted to burst into tears because all I could think was:

     

    ‘I love him so much’.

     

    I’m beginning to wonder if maybe it’s all true and I have been blind all this time. So tempted to google about what I am experiencing but fighting myself not to.

     

    I hope you enjoy the break.

    derek

    #215117
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Derek:

    Of course you love him, you expressed your love for him repeatedly on your thread.

    Do take your heavenly breaks and keep doing your best. May your best be better every day.

    Will be back July 4th. Take good care of yourself.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 113 total)

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